


today we will sell our uniform and live together

by Dagran



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Amelie Causes Problems, Awkward Lunchtime, Conversations About In-Game Events, DOOMS, Domestic Fluff, Drunk Higgs, Family Bonding, Family Fluff, Found Family, Gen, Higgs & Lockne Bonding, Higgs & Lou Bonding, Higgs Behaves Like a Cat, Higgs Has a Twin, Higgs Is A Dumbass, Higgs Monaghan Being Higgs Monaghan, Higgs Tries Honesty, Higgs Why, Higgs is Bad At Personal Space, Higgs vs The Cold, Lou Wears The Pants In This Family, M/M, Multi, Napping Buddies, Other, Pizza Day, Plants, Post-Canon Fix-It, Sam & Higgs Bonding, Sam 'if I stay perfectly still maybe he goes away' Bridges, Second Chances, Travels & Camping, but not like that, conflicts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 63,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23449762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dagran/pseuds/Dagran
Summary: Higgs somehow makes it back from the Beach, Lou adopts him and nobody, absolutely nobody, gets a say in this.
Relationships: BB-28 | Louise & Higgs Monaghan, BB-28 | Louise & Lockne, BB-28 | Louise & Sam Porter Bridges, Fragile & Higgs Monaghan, Heartman & Higgs Monaghan, Higgs Monaghan & Lockne, Sam Porter Bridges & Higgs Monaghan, Sam Porter Bridges & Lockne, Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 120
Kudos: 248





	1. Against All Odds

**Author's Note:**

> In this house we love and cherish our found family w Higgs.  
> Please enjoy.
> 
> Tags, characters and the likes will be added as the story progresses. Happy reading <3

**LOU**

There was a stranger lying in the grass. By the look of his clothes, he wasn’t a porter of really anything that Lou could recognise. Although he did remind her of one of her toys... They were worn, not exactly tattered, but faded and marred, she couldn’t see his face properly under the cloak that covered it, but that wasn’t what made her cautious. It was the almost dead-like stillness which inhabited his body. Slowly Lou took a step forward, paused, then another. Now it was more evident that his clothes weren’t just worn, they were stained, and in some places soaked with tar. 

Her father wouldn’t let her near it, because she did she got it absolutely everywhere and especially places it shouldn’t be and was hard to get rid of – Lou was creative like that – but she had seen it more than once before. She’d seen an endless ocean of it long, long ago, but the memory only tugged at the edges of her consciousness. The man in front of her preoccupied her mind above all. He looked dead, but something told her he wasn’t.

She couldn’t feel any of the usual things that surrounded a necrotising body. Not the bristling air, nor the sense of dread that coiled in her stomach. It only lasted for as long as it took the BT to emerge, then it was gone and the air felt all wrong and made the hairs on her arms stand up.

Yet this one, this one only looked dead. Crouching next to the body Lou placed her palms on her knees and scrunched up her face. She couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with this one and it was frustrating her.

Her father had given her a pocket mirror. Just in case her instincts weren’t enough to tell, although Lou mostly ever used it to appease him, not to be sure that the person was actually dead. She could feel it well enough after all, but just this once Lou had to admit that perhaps her father had been right. As she retrieved the mirror from her suit she wondered what to do if the stranger was dead after all, but instead of worrying about it she carefully angled the mirror above his mouth and nose. Now if he were to breathe – and it was a big if – she would catch it.

Being still wasn’t Lou’s forte, especially when waiting for something that might not even happen. But she remained diligently perched at the stranger’s side, inclined to give up by the time the mirror fogged at last. Lou exhaled a careful breath, smiling as she examined the pocket mirror. It would be clear by the time she’d found her father, but at least she could prove that the man was alive now.

Jumping to her feet Lou told the stranger, “you wait here, I’m gonna get dad, he’s really strong, he can get you somewhere safe.” As if he were to get up and walk away at any given moment. A smile spread on her lips and she ran off. Whenever her father took her outside he, rather metaphorically, staked off the territory she was allowed to explore, so he couldn’t be too far off even when he was temporarily out of sight. And he never really was out of sight either, but Lou liked to explore every nook and cranny of old and new territory and being rather small she was inclined to disappear completely behind a formation of rocks or beneath a slope when it ended abruptly and vertically.

“Daaaad,” she called, slowing her steps a little as she was trying to locate him. “Dad!” She called once again when she spotted him, immediately picking up the pace again. He spotted her just as quickly but Lou had to almost drag him over to the sight.

**SAM**

Although Lou had barely any tangible memories of being a Bridge Baby, she had an exceptionally good sense for BTs and timefall. That being said, Sam was in err on her side when it came to her findings. Which were just frequent enough to establish a pattern, but that wasn’t what made him stop in his tracks.

It was Higgs.

Instinctively Sam wanted to hold Lou back to protect her, even though Higgs looked all but like he was going to spring up like a Jack-In-The-Box at any given moment. Even to Sam the stillness of his body was eerie and maybe more so than to Lou. But she wriggled past his arm back to Higgs’ side.

“We’ve gotta help him dad, he’s alive.” Lou urged him.

Sam stared. He hardly heard her, in his mind there was the soft rumble of thunder overhead and rain pouring down, and the image of leaving Higgs to the timefall. It was all he deserved, and Lou would eventually understand.

Her determined, old eyes were focused on him. Insisting louder than words could. Sam thought of the timefall again. “He _will_ turn,” she said as gravely as possible with her five-year-old voice.

Sam couldn’t argue with that, still he shook his head. “No,” he said pulling Lou back. “He’s dangerous.”

“The dead are _more_ dangerous,” Lou insisted, likewise shaking her head now but more vehemently. “You said so!”

And he had but right this moment Sam was regretting his own words. Again, he shook his head. “This one is more dangerous alive than dead,” he explained and was met by furrowed brows, “let’s leave him here, the timefall will get him for us, then we’ll come back.”

Upset Lou huffed, but allowed Sam to gather her close again. Her brown hair was all tousled from the wind. “Nothing can be worse than a BT and a voidout,” she finally decided. Hands balled into tiny, determined fists. “If you won’t help, then I’ll do it alone!”

Needless to say, Sam couldn’t quite say what had compelled him because if he had wanted to he would have certainly been capable of picking Lou up and carry her back despite her complaints and yelling. He would have eventually been able to make her see reason that some people were better left for dead too. So, he told himself he wouldn’t make the same mistake as Fragile, that when push came to shove, when it was necessary above all, he would kill him. He would finish what he had started and he had to hope that Lou would understand eventually that despite the state of their world not every life was worth saving.

Rather unceremoniously Sam had laid Higgs onto the spare bed in the tiny room that he offered to weary porters when they came knocking. There weren’t many of them but those that showed up seemed to appreciate that he could tell how weary they were without having to say a word on their own. It went against most of his instincts to let them into his home but he’d been on their end of the rope for too long in his life not to show some sympathy – besides all they did was sleep when Lou wasn’t pestering them about the outside world and their lives.

Most of them were surprised not only to see a child – they were a rare find if you didn’t come from a big city and even then, there weren’t ever as many as expected – but also about all the things she knew and wanted to know. Most of them were happy to answer her questions when they weren’t expected anywhere. Some even returned to talk to her again. It was sweet, Sam had to admit, and he liked the five minutes of quiet it brought him.

For a brief moment Sam considered moving Higgs to the couch, just because it was rather unfair to the porters who had come to appreciate their shelter in times of need and weariness, the thought was however abruptly stopped by the realisation that that would mean keeping Higgs in the living room for all eyes to see and that all things considered everyone involved was better off by shielding the world from him and the other way around.

Sam figured that it would be enough to tell them that their guest – it was weird to think of him as that – was dangerously sick and infectious. He would just have to get Lou to play along with that, although she would probably agree that Higgs was better of left in peace to recover from… whatever really. Sam couldn’t begin to think about what he had been through to get back. And Amelie’s involvement, if she had been involved. He didn’t even want to begin to consider that.

Sam contemplated that for a while as Lou tugged the pillow into place and dragged a comforter from the closet to the bed so she could tuck Higgs in. That thought alone was enough to send Sam’s thoughts reeling, but he managed to recover and even a little smile when Lou diligently went to work on covering all of Higgs, except his head, with the comforter. It was the first time Sam really considered how tall he was, but as the realisation was inconsequential Sam stored it in the back of his mind and moved on with more relevant things.

With a smile on her face and her arms on her hips Lou examined her work with satisfaction. When she turned to him her face was full of question, but there was no need for her to speak this time.

Lightly Sam shook his head. “Nothin’ we can do, he’s a repatriate.”

“A returner!” Lou piped up, proud that she had remembered what the complicated word she couldn’t really pronounce meant. Satisfaction showed on her face when Sam nodded. Puzzled her head turned back to Higgs, who exhaled the breath he’d taken on their way through the shelter. “But…” Lou halted as if searching for the right words, “he’s slow, you said it happens fast.”

Unfortunately, Lou was more than right. Repatriation was, when it happened, a rather fast process. Of course, that factored in the state of the body and how long one had actually been dead, but Higgs should already be talkative again, despite the physical exhaustion he would feel after all his mind and body had been through.

And yet, while Higgs clearly wasn’t dead, his body was visibly taking its time. Sam wondered if the same could be said for his mind, or if he was already becoming aware of his surroundings. Lockne would know what to do, Sam thought. Lockne would also want to see the person in question, which immediately ruled her out. Quietly Sam sighed. “He’ll be alright, we just have to be patient.”

Lou pulled her mouth to the side, visibly unhappy about that but she nodded anyway. She wasn’t good at waiting, not yet. Sam was sure she would see the benefits of patience when she became older.

**HIGGS**

Something had gone wrong. Terribly wrong. Higgs could feel it in every fibre of his being. He could also- He wasn’t sure if feel was the right verb but he could sense that he was still alive. Repatriation came with its own familiar tingle that couldn’t be replicated by any other process of the body and he could feel it just the same going through his every fibre.

The last thing he remembered with certainty was Amelie. Amelie in her bright red dress. Furious Amelie. Things after that were kind of a blur. He also remembered Fragile. The thought of her made him clench his teeth almost unconsciously, setting his jaw squarely in a grim expression, but then again, his body likely didn’t play along so there wasn’t really any way for him to do that except imagine it. He’d had all the time in the world to contemplate her – and Sam, but somehow his thoughts had always gravitated more towards her during his time on Amelie’s Beach. There wasn’t much of anything that he currently felt for Sam, but Fragile made contempt rise in him. Amongst other things that weren’t as easy to deal with it. Sam on the other hand was… he just was, really. If he had to describe the way they had parted Higgs would have to use the term unsatisfactory.

Whenever Higgs tried to pick apart the awkward something Sam conjured up in he didn’t really get anywhere. He’d call it numbness, but that wouldn’t do the weariness justice that was permeating it. As if their fight had consumed all energy he’d ever spent on him. He’d been chewed and spit out by his own aggravation and fury, fatigue and hubris. And now he was stuck. Somewhere in mind, perhaps even on another Beach – he found that hard to differentiate in his current state. But somewhere was a dozen times better than nowhere.

**SAM**

One of the perks of Higgs being out of commission as he was in his current state was that Sam was given perceivably all the time in the world to study him. Not that he was particularly keen on it, but he had decided that he would like to know beforehand whether or not Higgs was actually going to come back of if he were to wake up to a BT one day. At least that was his current excuse.

He’d waited for Lou to fall asleep before he’d fished the cufflinks from their hiding place and called Lockne. She had supplied him an old Bridges I pair which she had modified to work with the newest updates of the network in the specific parameters that Sam was comfortable with. She’d done a lot more than that, but Bridges being unable to track him properly was the most appreciated gift he’d received from her.

She picked up the call almost immediately, her voice equal parts glad and surprised when she said his name. “It’s so good to hear from you, everything alright?”

“Everything alright,” Sam confirmed.

“How’s Lou? Can I talk to her?” It was always about the first thing she asked once he’d confirmed no emergency had happened.

“She’s asleep – sorry, I’ll tell her you said hi,” Sam replied. Despite the fact that Lockne had assured him that his location would remain a mystery to Bridges when he put the handcuffs on, Sam had taken the precaution of hiding away in the kitchen. Since Bridges II had been capable of identifying bullets from World War I just by their sound, he had remained ever weary of their deduction ability. Who was to say that Lockne wouldn’t somehow find out that he was about lie left, right and centre. “I’ve got a question.”

“Lou’s been asking holes into you again?” She sounded amused.

Even Sam couldn’t stop an amused snort. Lockne had taken the bait without further ado and he relaxed a little. “Yeah,” Sam muttered. He paused for a moment, sighing, trying to figure out how to phrase his question. He’d been doing so for the past few hours but that didn’t make it any easier right now. “Repatriation, once is starts, is instantaneous, right?”

“Yep.”

“What if it weren’t?”

“How do you mean?” Lockne sounded puzzled.

“I mean, what if it happened on the slowest possible level? What would be the effects of that? How long would it take for the body to recover – would it even be possible to recover that way?”

Lockne let out a deep breath, followed by a thoughtful sound. She muttered something under her breath. “Gimme a minute,” she mumbled half at Sam, half to herself.

He could hear steps and her typing something into a terminal. “That depends,” she eventually replied. “A lot, repatriation is the body reanimating itself and the process has to be quick because the brain can’t survive without oxygen for long – once the process starts every second counts, which means logically speaking the body shouldn’t survive the process if it happened any slower than it does. You’d die, simple as that.”

“But?” Sam started. Lockne remained silent. “Humour me, and try to speak in English.”

When Lockne spoke again Sam could hear a little smile dancing around the edges of her mouth. “For theory’s sake let’s assume the body could handle it, it would have to slow down every process that keeps it alive. Heart rate, blood flow, breathing, brain activity – the body would have to suspend any activity it can spare to keep itself running at such a slow pace, but like I said, you’d be dead.” She shrugged. Sam couldn’t see it but the tone in her voice indicated it all the same. “Humans aren’t wired to do this, even for a repatriate it would be quite a feat.”

“So, what? I’d… you’d end up with a BT on your hands?” There was a long pause, long enough for Sam to take a moment to confirm Lockne was still there.

Eventually, she answered. “Not necessarily,” she admitted. “To create a BT your body would have to necrotise, but repatriation is the exact opposite of that – it’s reinvigorating the body. So, no. Not immediately, but eventually. If the body dies before the process of repatriation is completed it would of course eventually necrotise and you’d have a BT on your hands, but – and these are all just estimated guesses here, I’d have to run the statistics through my computer – the same thing could also be what makes it work in the end, the body may take its time – again this really doesn’t work with real people – but revival is also a process and it’s only getting better. Arguably it could mean that even if it takes a long time the body’s effort to stay alive is in the end greater than it’s chance to die.”

Thoughtfully Sam hummed to himself. “Thanks,” he muttered.

“I’ll run a theoretical experiment for you if you want,” she offered.

“You’re going to run that whether I ask for it or not.”

Lockne grinned. “Of course I will, that’s an interesting theory and we should explore it. We understand the general process but there’s still a lot about repatriates we don’t know.”

“Hmpf. Knock yourself out.” As long as she wasn’t going to use him as her guinea pig Sam had no complaints, but that of course went without saying.

**HIGGS**

Higgs felt like someone had put him through the wringer. The thought came and went with the realisation that somebody had and that somebody was Sam. But when he tried to stretch his body only complied with heavy complaints, especially his left shoulder. It was like moving gears rusted into place as he moved his body into a more comfortable position. Surrounding him was an unexpectedly warm cocoon and he drew his legs closer almost instinctively to stay inside it.

He felt like he’d slept for a century when he cracked his eyes open just enough to let the light in. From somewhere he could hear someone talking and the voice of a child responding. Higgs wasn’t entirely sure how he knew that it was a child, given that his total encounters in life with them amounted to a grand zero, but he was also certain that no adult talked and sounded like that. So that settled it for him.

Squeezing his eyes shut Higgs rubbed his face, almost immediately giving up on it again when the rough fabric of his gloves and the crusted tar only made him feel gross. Examining the state of his mouth without his hands Higgs pulled a face, deciding firmly that he needed a shower and a toothbrush. Although he didn’t really want to leave his cocoon of warmth, the thought of scrubbing the grime off his body till his skin was red and raw was so much more compelling that it was hardly an argument.

Slowly and carefully Higgs heaved himself up and slid his legs off the side of the bed. Somebody had relieved him of his boots and he wiggled his feet and their toes to get a better feeling for being alive and bootless.

Looking around he found himself in a small guest room, which barely held the bed and drawer which had been crammed into it. There was a small bookcase which looked like the extension to a larger one. And at the end of the bed he found his boots which looked worse for wear after what they had been through on Amelie’s Beach, but for now he didn’t bother with them. The shelter was warm enough and he was far from being in a state that allowed him to just take off again.

His hands spread on the blanket underneath, trying to focus on the texture of the blanket and bed sheet through his gloves he stared aimlessly at the wall in front of him. The feeling of the fabric smoothing under his gloves helped him anchor his thoughts while there was one in particular that became clearer with each passing moment.

Where the fuck was _here?!_

Under normal circumstances this would have prompted Higgs to jump up and demand answers from the nearest unfortunate soul available, but currently the only motivating thought on his mind was that of a hot shower. He couldn’t, however, keep himself from quietly forcing his body to stand and sneak towards the door. Determined to find out whether it was locked or not. Pressing the handle down into the hollow beneath it he could feel it giving it and most of the previous alarm receded with satisfaction. So, either these people didn’t know who he was or they were complete and utter idiots. Higgs found himself smiling over that thought and closed his eyes again, hand still on the handle. It would tell him if anyone tried to open the door, while he was listening to the voices again.

The child was talking again. Higgs didn’t make the effort to figure out what they said, but had to frown at the voice which answered. It sounded familiar. Awfully familiar. Mentally rifling through an imaginary file of people it might belong to he didn’t get very far before he identified it. 

Sam. 

_Shit_.

The alarm returned, tensing his muscles. Shit. Shit. _Shit_.

Clenching his jaw Higgs recalled their last encounter with unprompted thoughts of what had been. He would have accepted defeat and death if it had come from Sam, but the bastard had handed him over to Fragile. And now he was here. Which located here with Sam and his child, but didn’t exactly get him anywhere. Quietly stepping away from the door Higgs examined his clothes, specifically their pockets which he found empty except for the gravel that always seemed to accumulate when you went outside. _Shower_. Higgs pushed the thought aside. Wondering if Sam had his knife and gun and the rest of the very few belongings Higgs had managed to transport to the Beach. _Shower_. Sighing Higgs admitted to himself that he would have plenty of time to think about all of that _during_ the shower.

The thought of warm water was simply too compelling at this point to shove aside. So, with a small malcontent sound Higgs determinedly opened the door which separated him from the rest of the shelter. Weary still but somewhat more awake than a few minutes ago he felt ready to brave whatever awaited him. But only if that included a shower. Reputation be damned if there wasn’t a shower he’d just go back to sleep, Higgs decided and pulling a grimace at the thought. Absent-mindedly he pulled off his gloves to get a better feeling in his hands and tossed them towards his boots.

The chatter was coming from the kitchen. Slowly Higgs inched his way towards it. He was good at being quiet, good at making no noise if necessary – he also liked the fright it instilled in people. It was entertaining, he thought but was quickly distracted by the smell of food which made his mouth water. Admittedly he’d never been picky – he’d learnt not to be – but nothing beat a warm meal cooked by someone else. Especially when it was standing against the dubious array of stolen food cans which had suffered varying degrees of damage and sometimes were over their shelf life. No. Demens weren’t picky either. They ate what they could get their hands on, starving be damned. Higgs hadn’t complained about that, but it hadn’t appealed to him either.

“You’re awake!” A small voice from a couple feet down piped up with delight and Higgs almost jumped – he later wouldn’t admit to it of course, but he could feel the surge, compelling him to take a step back very, very quickly, travel through his body.

Drawing the sides of his mouth to the side in a discontent grimace Higgs realised he’d been standing in the doorway and metaphorically drooling over the smell of vegetables and meat cooking. “Unfortunately,” he replied grumbling. Not quite sure why he did anyway.

The child beamed regardless of his statement. “You can help with dinner!” She declared. Her unruly hair was dark brown and had been tied into a braid which hung over her shoulder, but the few strands which hung loose promised that it was only forced obedience. “C’mon,” she pressed the plates she was holding into his hands while telling him to wait while she got a third.

Higgs looked at the plates, not quite sure why he was holding onto them in the first place. There was nothing keeping him from smashing them, he thought. Examining his hands which were surprisingly clean compared to the rest of is body, but then again, he’d worn gloves on the Beach and before and actually he never went outside without them. He felt the urge to flex his fingers and executed it rather poorly with the plates in his hands, rather stretching them in place than anything else.

The child came back, placing a third plate on the stack and racing back to the get the glasses.

What the _fuck_.

She walked right past him with the glasses in her hands, but stopped on her way back when he hadn’t moved an inch. Higgs was still focused on the plates in his hand.

“C’mon! Have you never set a table?” She giggled.

Higgs stared. What the fuck, he thought again. His vocal cords wouldn’t comply so she grabbed his arm and let him to a nearby table which for some reason had four chairs for two people. Higgs wasn’t going to question that either, but the little human was adamant about teaching him now. “What’s your name?” He managed.

“Lou,” she smiled and pointed at where the last plate was to be placed.

Higgs complied without question. Lou. He’d heard that name before. Just where? Hadn’t that been the name Sam had given his BB? How silly to name a tool. Yet Higgs couldn’t help but scrutinise her now. He wasn’t good at guessing ages, but she was definitely younger than ten. He hadn’t been that short at ten.

The back of his mind was starting to sing about showers again now that the confusion was slowly wearing off.

“What’s yours?” Lou asked, looking up at him now.

“I’m…” It was the exact second that Sam caught his attention. His gaze drifted back to Lou. “ _Higgs_. The particle of God that permeates all existence.” The words came out almost on their own and whether or not he really had wanted to use them.”

“Pe-permats-what-now?”

“It means being part of everything,” Sam offered, his eyes fixed on Higgs while Lou made a small “oooh” sound. There was a pause. “The grimy particle will take a shower now else it’s not going to be fed.”

Lou giggled at that, but Higgs was too caught up in the promise of a shower to argue with any of what was happening.

“And don’t take too long,” Sam warned, turning his attention back to their dinner.

Almost gladly Higgs disappeared into the bathroom, resisting the urge to rub his face – it would be just as bad as earlier, even without the gloves. Instead, he peeled off the clothes he’d been wearing for longer than he wanted to think about right now. Sore muscles complained as he stripped down but the thought of the shower was more compelling than the weariness by a long shot. Without much thought he stumbled into the shower, impatient for the warmth of the water and unable to keep the sigh of relief at bay when it poured down on him.

Closing his eyes Higgs started methodically rubbing the grime from his face till the only indent left was the carving on his forehead. Just as methodically he rubbed the soreness from the rest of his muscles, making sure not to strain his left shoulder too much, although it didn’t make him less weary Higgs felt indefinitely better for it and at last, the rest of the tar had been washed off his skin and his hair and his skin felt raw from scrubbing it under hot water Higgs felt clean again.

Underneath all the grime he’d even found his knife, which rested in form of a tattoo across his hip. He couldn’t remember putting it there, but he was glad to still have it and at least this way Sam couldn’t take it away from him.

The only thing that made him pause for a moment were the carvings on the rest of his body. For all that Higgs was familiar with how the felt under his palms, it had been a long time since he’d seen them. Deliberately he drew his fingers over the one on his left arm, the scars rippled familiarly up and down under his touch, distracting him for a moment. They were as familiar to him as the back of his hand.

In lack of clothes, Higgs wrapped a towel around his waist and pulled another over his head, low enough to cover the upper half of his face, feeling already more comfortable for it.

“Sammy?” He called as he stepped back into the shelter again, drawn out by the smell of food. “Not that I mind, but I think we all would appreciate if I wore some clothes…”

Sam met his words with a grim face and tossed a bunch of clothes towards him. Quickly, despite his weary bones Higgs pulled them on and followed Sam towards the table. They didn’t fit perfectly – Sam was a bit too short for that, but they fit well enough to be comfortable. Lou was already seated and waiting impatiently for them to join her so she could start eating.

Higgs paused for a moment as he sat down. Mulling over his current situation as he ate, for now, his circumstances were a gift horse and although he wasn’t sure why looking them in the mouth was a bad idea he wouldn’t do so until he didn’t feel so weary. There would be plenty of time to question and act, and the latter would be much easier with a full belly and a good night’s sleep.

It wasn’t a dream. Somewhere in the back of his mind Higgs knew that, but his brain still moving in the slow and sluggish ways of a tired mind that couldn’t quite process everything that happened around it, wasn’t entirely convinced of that.

Sam was willing to feed him. And he’d been allowed a shower and there was a place to sleep. For now, everything else was inconsequential.


	2. Bonding Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, let's play a game. Try to come up with Lou's favourite toy and tell me how far off the mark you were :P

**SAM**

Higgs had spent the majority of the first few of his waking days asleep as if his body needed to recover from something strenuous. When he didn’t sleep he was in the shower or eating. But slowly, surely, he was migrating into their lives and out of his room. He was mostly lounging in the back of the living room, hiding under his cape, which was the only thing Sam hadn’t been able to convince him to part with, like a child with their favourite blanket, most of the time he was just watching, and if not that he was hiding behind one of the books. Occasionally Lou captured, no rather, demanded his attention, but other than that he made no particular effort to interact with either of them outside of mealtimes.

The only time Higgs had stayed in his room entirely were the days where the striped hood had been washed and dried, but ever since then, he hadn’t been seen without it. Sam had already made a note to pester Lockne about a giant scarf next time they spoke. If he wanted a chance to occasionally give it up for laundry day he would have to have a practical alternative on hand.

Admittedly, for all the questions Sam had, he didn’t quite know what to do with Higgs. He couldn’t take him anywhere, he couldn’t ask anyone about it – he should have left him to the timefall. A now reoccurring thought that he couldn’t quite shake off. All things considered, Higgs was a walking, breathing impossible problem for Sam.

He’d been poring over one of the many articles and books he’d started to accumulate since Lou had started to ask holes into him. Lockne, as well as Heartman, had been more than helpful in acquiring data from the archives of Bridges to satisfy Lou’s curiosity. And whenever possible they answered her questions during their calls, during which Sam knew at least Heartman had been driven to exasperation by his daughter once or twice. He’d been reading the same lines thrice when his thoughts had started to wander towards Higgs who was sitting across the room and playing with his hands while he watched.

With half an ear he listened to Lou, who was playing in her room, for a while, then turned his attention back to Higgs. There were a number of questions on his mind and certainly several which could be said to be more pressing, but this was the one Sam was the most curious about right now. “How come you’re still here?”

Which wasn’t to say that he didn’t get the whole repatriation thing, he was one himself after all, but Sam figured Higgs was able to guess that.

Higgs looked up at that and drew himself up to his full height, scrutinising Sam thoughtfully. “Why didn’t you leave me for the timefall?” He asked in return and rather carefully as if he was even as he was speaking not entirely sure if the question was worse the risk. But evidently it had been.

Evidently neither of them had a good reply for either of the questions because an uncomfortable silence stretched on between them. It was a reply in itself and for now, they would have to accept it as given.

Settling against the back of the couch Sam scrutinised Higgs now just the same as he had before but a lot more thoughtfully. “How did you make it back?” He asked, decidedly not engaging whatever Higgs was trying to do right now.

Surprisingly Higgs had a reply for that. “Don’t know,” he shrugged. “Don’t really care…” He sounded thoughtful about that. “But I’m your problem now.”

Sam grimaced. There was a lot to be said about his current situation and all of it questionable if he cared enough about the opinion of Bridges, and Higgs seemed to at least marginally enjoy that.

**

It was hard not to sleep with one eye open after years of naps outside as a porter. Maybe it was that. Maybe it was that Sam was acutely aware of the fact that it wasn’t Lou sneaking through their shelter in the middle of the night.

Under the guise of wanting something to drink Sam had followed Higgs into the kitchen where he found him sitting with back against the fridge and devouring cold leftovers. “I thought you didn’t like cold food.” The words were out of his mouth before Sam could stop them. Idling at the cupboards Sam looked for a glass without really looking, he just wanted to busy his hands.

“Cold, _ordered_ food,” Higgs clarified between two bites. “Otherwise I don’t care.” There seemed to be more to it but it was all that Higgs said.

“Hm.” Sam took one of the glasses and filling it with water. “Can’t argue with that,” he admitted, leaning against the sink and taking a sip of water. “Shit,” he mumbled, almost laughing at the realisation that came over him. “I should’ve botched your order and spared myself the trip to Edge Knot.”

Higgs snorted, trying to focus on chewing rather than laughing about the ridiculous proposal. “Fuck, you’re cruel, Sam.”

“I had a really great role model,” Sam shrugged, exasperated amusement still playing around the corners of his mouth. “You should have just told me.”

“Maybe,” Higgs was scraping the last bits of dinner out of the plastic box in his lap. He even licked the fork clean.

“Can’t sleep?” It wasn’t the first time Higgs had been roaming their little shelter, but till now he’d left him to his own devices and since the shelter still stood the next morning and Sam hadn’t found any hidden explosives he hadn’t stopped him in his little endeavours.

The silence between them was only broken by the fork scraping at the nothingness in the box. “Obviously,” Higgs huffed.

“Dooms?” Sam asked without thinking. He drank half of his glass and turned it in his hands while he glanced at Higgs. Whose answer was tight-lipped silence, giving away the answer he didn’t want to speak. Awkwardly Sam shifted the glass into his other hand and back again. With Dooms he could deal, with the rest… he wasn’t so sure. “Not Dooms,” Sam eventually concluded. Which now left the wide array of his journal’s contents up for speculation.

Lucy would have known what to do, Sam realised. Not only about this, but about the whole situation. For an instant, he missed her like he hadn’t in a long while. “I don’t think I can remember having nightmares that weren’t about them,” Sam quietly admitted, not quite sure why he told Higgs in the first place, but there was something about the nightly tranquillity of the kitchen that made it easy. Easier than normal at least.  
Perhaps it was how they couldn’t really see each other in the dark, and the weariness of not being able to sleep lowered your inhibitions just enough to loosen the tongue. “Scared me to death when I was a kid.”

Out of habit his hand wandered down his chest to where the dream catcher Amelie had given him had been. He’d given it to Lou when she had been a baby still and it held the nightmares at bay just as perfect for her as it had for him. Now his nights were restless but not as bad as they had been as a child. Occasionally the thought of getting a new one still crossed his mind, but since he’d made it through the first few months without things had started to become bearable slowly but surely.

Higgs snorted with dry amusement. “You bet I filed a complaint when that shit started,” he sighed. “I know, I know, I signed up for Dooms but what the actual fuck. That shouldn’t be allowed.” The implications his words bore were too grand for Sam to consider right now, just like the carvings the first time he’d seen them and were glaring at him whenever he could see Higgs’ bare arms. There was too much to ask, too much to say and he wouldn’t know where to begin anyway so, for now, that conversation had to be postponed.

**HIGGS**

As children went Higgs didn’t really have an opinion on them. He’d grown up all alone, and even if there had been other children to play with he wouldn’t have been allowed to see them, much less interact with them. And for a while he hadn’t even considered the possibility of there being others like him. For an awfully blissful while the shelter had been his whole world, and then the fists of his father had shattered it. And it had turned out that in the cities there were seemingly no more children than among the prepper shelters. Outnumbered anywhere in any way. It had made him glad not to be one anymore.

Unfortunately, Lou had decided to demand his attention without ever consulting him about it and that was the crux of it all. What interested him was if any remnants of her being a Bridge Baby had manifested as Dooms but beyond that Higgs couldn’t have cared less.

She was more active than he remembered being her age, but then again that was a pretty nebulous statement given that he knew neither her nor his own age. Birthday’s hadn’t been big with his father. Higgs didn’t particularly mind.

Right now, Lou was playing with a vast set of green plastic toys of varying sizes which she had spread out on the living room floor. Among them catchers and BTs and several familiar figures. There were toy Fragile and toy Sam and as he was slowly making his way closer Higgs even spotted a few Demens. Sometimes he’d seen Lou carry around a few of them, but this was the first time she was sporting the whole set.

Curiously Higgs crouched down to get a better look, picking up a figure here and there, while he watched Lou’s reaction, but she seemed fine with it as long as he returned them to the exact place he’d taken them from. His eyes lingered on Fragile but he didn’t touch her. He did pick up Sam and the very first catcher he’d set on him. Amelie, he cradled in his palms resisting the urge to crush her just barely. The Demens amused him. And Mega-Amelie he couldn’t help but admire. Even made out of green plastic this BT towered over almost all others impressively. Gently Higgs slid his fingers down its chest, over its leg down till it reached the floor.

He forgot what he’d wanted to examine next when he noticed the figure Lou was keeping closest to her. It looked more worn than most of the others, had suffered scratches and a missing hand but its likeness was unmistakable nonetheless. “What… are you doing?” Higgs found himself asking. Tearing his eyes from the toy version of him she was holding. That was a relatively inconsequential question so he could bring himself to ask it. Besides he could chuck her across the room in any case.

“Playing princess,” Lou replied. Grabbing the catcher Higgs had picked up only moments before and set it in front of her. It was wearing a tiny sombrero. “There have been riots and we gotta restore order,” she proclaimed solemnly.

“ _We_.”

“Well, dad’s usually my advisor, but today Dee,” she pointed at the Kraken-like catcher with the sombrero, “and the mage-in-chief gotta do.” She held up Toy Higgs for him to see.

“Advisor,” Higgs commented so it sounded almost like a question making himself comfortable across from her.

Smiling Lou replied. “Dad always tells me stories about loads of stuff goin’ on in my kingdom and I get to decide what to do ‘bout it.” She clearly enjoyed that part.

“Do ya?” He muttered under his breath. “What sorta stuff goes on in your kingdom?” He decided to humour her. He didn’t have anything better to do anyway.

“Lots. Riots. Invasions. Festivals…” Lou trailed off. “Dee guards the castle moat, that’s why he has to sit here. See?” Drawing lines on the ground she marked the moat for him.

Higgs' eyes were drawn to the catcher with the sombrero again – the guard of the castle – while Lou started arranging her toys according to some sort of system that Higgs didn’t see through yet, but she appeared methodically and practised as she did so. All the while she never really let go of Toy Higgs, keeping him in her lap when she needed both hands free, but otherwise, he was always in her hand. “You like that one, huh?” Higgs smirked when he saw her eyes light up at the mere mention of her beloved toy. “Didn’t your daddy tell you he’s a mean one? Hmm? Didn’t he tell you to lock him up and throw away the key?”

Asking her things wasn’t as hard as expected, but Higgs still felt his body tense as she spoke. Didn’t he know better than to open his mouth.

“No, he’s good now,” Lou replied in a way that suggested it was the law of the universe. “He is,” she insisted when his expression suggested otherwise. “I wouldn’t!”

Nonchalantly Higgs examined her and the figure. Something told him she wouldn’t believe him no matter what he said. No matter how reasonable. Age-old curiosity was bubbling beneath the surface, but he wouldn’t let her know about that. “No, you wouldn’t.

The prospect of locking her favourite toy up had visibly offended her and she was cradling it close to her chest. Maybe she would have started sulking, but something caught her eye and Lou paused, carefully crawling towards him not to knock over her toys. In her hand, she was still clutching Toy Higgs. “Same stripes!” She whispered gleefully and tugged at his cloak. Then she sat and pointed out the patter on the green plastic. “I wanna paint them gold too! I just… don’t have any gold paint…”

“He’s missing a hand,” Higgs dared to note, scrutinising her toy.

“He was a dumbass,” Lou retorted matter-of-factly. “’Cause he used to be good y’know before he went all evil and stuff, I gave him a really hard task to prove he really means it… can’t just go forgiving people left and right,” Lou shook her head. “Have to give them a trial quest,” now she nodded.

_Right_. Higgs was inclined to ask what the trial quest had been, but he had a feeling she was going to tell him anyway and whether he wanted to or not. He wasn’t really sure how to feel about any of this, or whatever the hell his life was slowly turning into now anyway, but the look in Lou’s eyes told him he wouldn’t be given the chance to contemplate it.

“He had to bring me three simple things. The hardest stone on earth _ever_ ,” she visibly emphasised that word, “the brightest light _ever_ ,” again, “and… _the source of life_.” Lou’s face was lighting up as she spoke. Higgs wanted to say that all three of these things were impossible unless in philosophical terms but Lou didn’t let him get a word in edgewise.

“I sent him to find the stone and he tried to chip it,” Lou shrugged as she explained the missing hand, then whispered, “dad said he’d glue it back on if we find it, and then I’ll give him a cool cyborg hand but shhhh.” She had wrapped her hand around Toy Higgs’ head as if the figure could hear them. “But of course, you can’t do that with the hardest stone ever, silly mage,” she giggled and shifted his position in her hand. “It’s a really, really big stone you know. He wanted to bring me a piece, that was really nice but bc he’d been so evil I made him carry the whole thing here. He used a magical beast to help him carry it.” Lou pointed at the lion catcher.

Higgs noted that that didn’t seem to bother her if anything she seemed pleased.

“When he brought me the stone I put it away, people can come see it of course but it’s magical so it has to be guarded,” she continued. “For the light, I gave him a tube, like dad has where he keeps all the chiralium,” from the way she said it Higgs could hear how she had practised the word many times, “we find outside. It wasn’t hard to find, but light is really, really, really hard to catch but he trapped it. With a trick. Now we have a piece of the brightest light. Can’t have all of it, else there would be nothin’ left for everyone else. And sharing is important so you should if you can.”

The way she said those words it felt like Lou was imparting an incredibly important piece of wisdom on him and although Higgs had his doubts about the idea of sharing with everyone, Sam had evidently taught her well.

“The source of life was the hardest,” Lou continued solemnly. “And he couldn’t have done it without his magic. He lost it you know. When he became evil. The sorceress gave him all sorts of powers but they were hers and not his. To be good he has to use his own power. But he can’t unless he lets hers go. That was the real task,” she admitted, smoothing her thumb down Toy Higgs’ chest. “I couldn’t tell him. He had to find that out on his own. And he did!” Lou beamed quietly and looked at him again. “Now he’s my mage-in-charge at the castle. Helps me defend it an’ stuff.”

Softly, Higgs exclaimed, “ _what the fuck_.” He’d been trying to come up with something, anything, sensible while Lou had been talking but quite frankly that was the only thought he could muster. “You didn’t tell me his name,” Higgs managed, feeling slightly woozy with the knowledge that his toy likeness was the favourite of Sam’s ex-Bridge-Baby.

“Mage?” Lou offered. “Dunno, can’t find one I like,” she admitted and shifted her weight. “Nothing sounds right. Dad says your name is Higgs. Can I name him that?” A smile spread across her lips. “’Cause you have the same stripes!” She pointed at his cloak again. Without an odradek to hook it over, however, it just hung down, covering his back.

Higgs didn’t disagree with her, if anything the thought of Lou proclaiming to her father that she had named her favourite toy, that was him, after him, was more than amusing.

**SAM**

Aside from the fact that their shelter was a rather small one it was more than easy to find Higgs at any given moment. His favourite parts were evidently Sam’s small library and the fridge, which meant that any sound coming from the kitchen might as well be him if he wasn’t to be seen anywhere else. And most of the time Sam found him squeezed into some impossibly small nook for someone his size, with his legs tucked almost under his chin and his arms somehow folded in between them and his chest while he held the item of interest. Either food or a book. Or, seldom, like now, a movie.

Higgs had squeezed himself into a corner of the couch with the pillows and was watching on a screen he’d propped up on the coffee table. Taking a quiet breath Sam watched him, with the cloak covering his face and shoulders it was hard to figure out what he thought most of the time. To Sam he always looked sort of tense. Even now.

He cleared his throat. Higgs lifted a finger to indicate he should wait a moment, and when Sam stepped around the couch he could see that Higgs wasn’t really watching anything and was somehow hiding a book with his body. Slowly he’d sunken his finger onto the page, trailing the line he was reading till it came to a stop at the end of a paragraph.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Sammy?” Higgs teased. A little smile curving around the corners of his mouth, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Lou…” His mouth opened to form a sentence yet his mind hadn’t quite processed the demand so it took a moment to articulate. “Lou wants you to read her a bedtime story.” Folding his arms because he didn’t know what to do with them Sam scrutinised him with all the expectation he could muster.

Higgs paused, raising his brows. “Bedtime story.”

“Yep.”

From a few rooms away, they could hear Lou yelling that she wanted her story now but the silence which was taking over persisted. Slowly Higgs lowered his book and placed it faced down on the couch.

All things considered, there was a good chance that he would have to go back and console her, although Sam had a feeling she would force Higgs if he didn’t show up on his own. But then again, he had seen them play together. Lou had been talking his ears off about her toys and on a few rare occasions he’d also seen them play hide and seek, where Higgs had literally sniffed out her hiding places much to Lou’s amusement.

Lou called again. This time for Higgs.

There was a small pause, then Higgs got up. Visibly compelled by something he couldn’t name and that was entirely Lou’s fault in his opinion. With sceptic amusement Sam watched him. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but he sure as hell hadn’t expected him to be at her beck and call like this.

Sam glanced at the book cover and the movie that was still running but didn’t bother to pause it. Instead, he quietly followed Higgs towards Lou’s room and peered around the corner through the half-open door. Higgs had made himself comfortable at her side, legs bent to fit on the small bed while he went through a stack of books they had between themselves on the bed. Like usual, Lou was the one that did most of the talking. A few times a book was opened and closed again in favour of another. Finally, Lou settled, and settled against Higgs while she listened to him read.

Sam let himself sink against the wall while he did the same, loosely folding his arms in front of his chest again. Ever since Higgs had shown up in his life again he hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that something had to go wrong. That one day he’d wake up to find his shelter swamped with tar and a catcher looming over him and Lou, yet there was something about the way Higgs read the story to Lou that soothed this fear a little, which in and of itself raised his senses to alarm because nothing about Higgs should make him feel remotely calm. So, he shoved it aside and told himself it was because at least now he could be certain that Lou was safe. And that any arguments left would be solely between Higgs and himself.

It was nice enough to think of things that way anyway.

Realising he’d stopped listening Sam risked a last peek inside and watched Lou yawn, as she rubbed her eyes and nestled with her pillow against Higgs. In the dim light, it was hard to see his reaction but Sam thought he saw him freeze for a moment, while his speech not exactly halted but stumbled over the words, and after that he still seemed tense.

Slowly Sam managed to unglue himself from his position at the wall, feeling a little sore where he’d been leaning without regard for his body for long. Rubbing the sore spots Sam went back to the couch, rewound the film to somewhere along the beginning and made himself comfortable. It would distract him while Higgs would be busy for another while that it would take till Lou was asleep and then noticing that that was the case in the first place. By the time Sam noticed she was always fast asleep.

Higgs made himself noticeable by adding his weight to the couch, sliding closer than Sam thought should be comfortable for the both of them and grabbed the book to properly mark it and place on the coffee table. “I’ve gotta do that again.” Although he phrased it like a statement Sam could hear that it was meant to be a question.

“You bet your sorry ass you have to,” Sam confirmed in a mumble.

Higgs responded with a light shove against his arm, habit made him want to evade the touch but Lou had broken most of them and made his reflexes sluggish. So, all that happened when Higgs repeated the motion more slowly and deliberately was that Sam turned his head.

Amused Higgs’ face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Look at you, Mr Aphenphosmphobia.” Higgs sounded obviously pleased with the outcome of the situation. “If I had known beating me to a pulp would have such effects on you, I would have let you try sooner.”

Sam scoffed. “Dream on,” he grumbled. Pulling his arm away he placed a hand over where Higgs had touched it, sliding his fingers over the skin as if to soothe it, although a glance told him that there was no mark. He felt better for it anyway. “It’s got nothing to do with you.” The way Higgs’ gaze bored into him Sam had a feeling he was expected to elaborate on that. “It’s Lou. She needs to be hugged and someone to hold her hand, kids need physical affection to grow up healthy.” Something Higgs had clearly lacked. Even without his wife having been a therapist Sam would have been able to read that from his journal.

His words had brought the entries back to life in his memory all too easily and Sam found himself pausing a little uncomfortably. For a split second, he wondered if Higgs had ever been told bedtime stories. Bridget might not have been the perfect mother but she had had a pretty good grip on the basics. She’d covered him in band-aids when he’d fallen and scraped his skin, she’d tucked him into bed and kissed him goodnight, she’d told him stories and found time to play with him, she had even tried to console him after his nightmares and tried to accommodate his need for distance. And yet something had always been off, Bridget had done everything that people had expected of her as a parent, but as a child Sam had lacked the understanding and vocabulary to voice what had been wrong. So, he’d run. To Amelie. After each nightmare.

Leaning in Higgs sniffed the air around Sam. “She’s got nightmares,” he mused quietly, thoughtfully. The words bore the obvious question.

“Yeah,” Sam muttered, fingers trailing over the space on his chest where the dream catcher should be. “She has Dooms.” Seemingly happy that Sam had guessed the question the frown on Higgs’ face eased away. “Pretty strong too I think, she can sense BTs long before they show up, she can see them too.”

“Fuck. The little one makes Fragile look like a noob.” Higgs seemed caught between surprise and amusement as he spoke, and then very much intrigued.

Sam thought for a moment, mulling over the situation as a whole while slowly accepting that Higgs was more or less invading his personal space. There were infinitely worse things that he had done. Middle Knot was a glaring example. He wanted to ask something but the words got stuck in his throat with the realisation that Higgs wouldn’t answer him. There had never been any mention of nightmares in his journal, but then again Higgs might have destroyed some of the pages or omitted their existence, or the timefall and voidout had simply destroyed them.

As if sensing the question Higgs leaned in once more and sniffed again, slowly drawing away he frowned and wrinkled his nose as if trying to make sense of what his nose has just picked up. “Haven’t,” he said eventually and looked awfully malcontent. “But my journal has no business in the archive of Bridges.”

“You’ll have to talk to Die-Hardman about that,” Sam replied. His eyes still lingered on the screen when Higgs wasn’t demanding his attention, but he had to admit he’d long since lost track of what was happening. “If the nightmares came with Amelie’s powers, how come you still have them?”

There was no immediate response from Higgs, but when Sam glanced at him he could see the gears turning in his head. “I don’t think… it’s entirely gone,” he said slowly and nodding to himself, sounding like he was thinking out loud. “I can feel it,” Higgs muttered. He’d leaned his head back, staring absent-mindedly at the ceiling, seeming focused on something completely else entirely. Something that only his mind and body would know the answer to.

Watching for a moment, Sam decided to let things be and try to focus on the movie again instead. It was awkward enough to talk with Higgs like that to begin with.


	3. Future Sam Hates Past Sam - Take 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when cats do that thing where they make you open the door but only stay outside for thirty seconds and then want out again? Yeah.

**SAM**

Higgs was awake during most of the nights for one reason or another, Sam hadn’t bothered to figure out what they were and Higgs didn’t seem to want to talk about them anyway. Dooms nightmares and others, Sam figured. With the Dooms he could deal. Perhaps restlessness, it wouldn’t be unlikely for Higgs to feel the same about it, like going up the walls after spending so many years as part of the outside world. He wouldn’t fault him for that. Being almost a common occurrence, he made Lou stumbling through the dark every so often seem like a rarity.

With the dream catcher keeping the nightmares away she had stopped crawling into his bed every night once she had managed to keep it on while asleep. Often, she had cried, but more than often she’d simply been shaking violently from the fear, only stopping when he hugged her so tight Sam was scared of accidentally squeezing the life out of her. After that, she would often sleep soundly.

Only that it wasn’t Lou who squeezed into the small space next to him this time. The first thing Sam noticed was the smell of alcohol and how something was weighing down the mattress right next to him. What bolted his senses awake however was the physical proximity when Higgs promptly leaned against his shoulder. “Sam Porter Bridges,” he slurred. Quite obviously very comfortable in his current position.

This time around Sam couldn’t do anything about the way his muscles tensed under the touch. Apparently, Higgs had found at least one of the two wine bottles Heartman had gifted him as a farewell after leaving Bridges. Although that somehow worried him less than having Higgs so close next to him.

“Mr No-Touch,” Higgs concluded drunkenly from his reaction.

Sam tried to shift into a more comfortable position that would allow him to regain some distance but with little success because Higgs was hugging his arm as he was mumbling incomprehensible nonsense that Sam didn’t even try to make sense of. Eventually having to give up on trying to get away from him and accepting the awkward fate that was having a cuddly, drunk ex-terrorist stuck to his arm. He was stuck.

Trying not to disturb Higgs Sam took a quiet breath and tried to settle more comfortably into his new position. If all Higgs wanted was to sleep and make him anxious, well he was succeeding. “Congrats,” he muttered. Not quite sure if it was said for himself or Higgs.

Mostly because it bothered him Sam pushed the hood out of the way, but in the dark, it didn’t make much off a difference. So, Sam contented himself with getting comfortable and trying to sleep. Finding both surprisingly easier than expected despite the tense feeling curling in his stomach. The last person he’d fallen asleep next to since Lucy had been Lou, a list Sam technically did not want to continue with Higgs, but he was too tired to get up and move to the couch or attempt to argue a drunk Higgs out of his bed and risk worse.

Implication and consequences were a problem for future Sam.

Needless to say: Future Sam already hated Past Sam.

**

Sam had thought long but not very hard about it as he considered the matter itself rather simple. There was no way he could keep Higgs locked up in the shelter forever, which would eventually mean leaving him alone because neither he nor Lou could stay cooped up for long. Still, he’d dragged out the inevitable as long as possible. Which he had only been able to draw out because of the frequent timefall. There was just enough that if you missed it there was a chance that by the time it was over Lou was already preoccupied with something else. Eventually, there had been no way around it though. Lou had been the first at the shelter door that day. Excitedly jumping up at down at the prospect of playing outside. Sam had barely gotten her into her miniature Bridges suit – the moment the zipper had been pulled up she’d raced off to gleefully run around the area in front of their shelter.

Higgs had looked at him with an expression that was half amused and half bewildered. “Aren’t you scared I’ll run off,” he’d mused.

“Be my guest,” Sam had grumbled. It would have given him an excuse to be rid of him.

Higgs’ only response had been a sly grin before he’d wandered off, testing out the limits of Sam’s patience who had watched them and watched that they wouldn’t get out of his eyesight. Eventually, Higgs had sat in the grass close to the shelter and watched Lou with him. Occasionally she had run up to them to show them her newest find, and eventually, she had convinced Higgs of a game of chase – aptly named terrorists and porters – till they had both been tired.

After that, the front door had stood open for Higgs metaphorically at all times. Of course, Sam would have liked it better if he’d been given the chance to watch him but he was well aware that the wish wasn’t feasible. So, he hadn’t pressed the matter, even though Higgs leaving the shelter was each time accompanied by a nervous flutter and tense shoulders and Sam had to force himself not to check on him every twenty seconds, just to make sure he wasn’t running off and nuking the rest of the cities.

It had taken him a few days – which didn’t sound like a lot but certainly was when considered that Higgs left the shelter at any given opportunity – till he’d been unable to resist the urge to figure out what Higgs was doing outside.

Like a cat, Sam had thought, as he’d followed him just moments after the front door had closed. A goddamn cat that knew how to open a goddamn door. 

Once outside Sam had to bring his steps to a forceful halt, seeing Higgs sprawled out in a patch of grass, soaking up the sun and wind and weather. Carefully Sam stepped closer. With the way he was lying, straight on his back, the hood was still covering most of his face but Sam could see his nose and mouth twitch as he came closer. “What are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? Enjoying being outside,” Higgs replied pointedly. When Sam took another step and crouched next to him, Higgs drew his arms up from the grass and folded them loosely on his torso, taking a quiet but deep breath.

He probably had his eyes closed, Sam mused. His eyes caught on the scars on Higgs’ arms. He’d seen them before but the realisation that Higgs was alive and under his roof had been too fresh in his mind for it to process anything else up until now. Sam had seen them and drawn his eyes away and marked a mental note to potentially ask about that later. The carvings were of meticulous almost surgical precision, much like the one on Higgs’ forehead, but bigger and easier to read and through that easier to identify as more equations. Two for each arm and one for each shin, Sam remembered. They probably extended to his thighs but Sam hadn’t seen those and was sort of glad for that. He’d wanted to ask about them before, although his hopes weren’t high that he would get an answer and Sam wasn’t quite sure why he cared enough anyway.

Higgs was idly tracing the lines of a number on his left arm. The Equation on his right looked familiar, although Sam couldn’t say where he’d seen it before. The image in his head was unclear when he tried to picture it. “Why aren’t you running?”

“Why would I. You feed me, you let me sleep at your place, I can come and go as I please. There is as little holding me here as there is calling me from out there,” Higgs replied with the corners of his mouth quirked up, looking quite amused although Sam could only see half his face. He noticed the little scrunch in his nose when Higgs tried to keep himself from laughing. “What the fuck is my life!?”

Despite himself, Sam snorted amused. “Over – if I catch you somewhere nuking a city.”

“Oh, but you’ll have to catch me first,” Higgs playfully purred.

“I caught you in Edge Knot and on Amelie’s Beach, our score’s even.”

“ _Even_.” Higgs scoffed, rolling over onto his side to lean on his arm as he scrutinised Sam. Who was suddenly awfully aware of how close they were to each other. Drawing in a quiet breath, Sam chalked it up to old habits of keeping people at a distance. “I caught you every time, you only found me because Amelie pointed you in the right direction,” he pointed out, boring a finger into Sam’s chest with a scowl. He kept the hood down low enough to make his eyes barely visible as if to make up for the loss of the golden skull mask. “I beat you in every way till the Beach, and whether you want to believe it or not your victory there bears no consequence,” Higgs' mouth widened into a joyless grin. “I told you humanity has a few hundred thousand years left tops,” his voice sounded partially dismissive and exasperated. “On the grand scale of things, this is more than meaningless… but without Amelie, there is no point in trying, if you have to know.”

“Right,” Sam replied, sounding thoughtful, “you don’t exactly have Dooms, do you?” And though he hadn’t lifted a finger he could see by the way Higgs’ mouth twisted that he’d just poked a salty finger into a particularly uncomfortable wound.

“I have Dooms,” Higgs insisted sharply, but then seemed to reconsider. “But I don’t need to prove that to you.”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t much care that you have them,” he admitted, which clearly hadn’t been the answer Higgs had expected. “They’re a tool and not inherently bad to have, it’s about not causing voidouts with their help.”

“Judgy Jason – you’re just jealous,” Higgs teased, leaning closer and playfully poking Sam’s chest again.

Instinctively Sam wanted to grab his hand, though not sure where to go from there and given the fact that he figured Higgs was someone he should remain careful with, with casual touches he decided against it anyway. “You’re talking like I asked for the Dooms and the nightmares and the never-ending Life.” His mouth was a grimace that obscured his true feelings.

Sam thought of Lucy. Their baby. The Dooms. She hadn’t asked for any of that either. “You asked for power,” Sam eventually replied, slowly, deliberately. “It’s nobody’s fault that you didn’t like the price tag.”

Malcontent Higgs scrunched up his nose and let himself fall back into the grass with a quiet huff.

Their conversation was over. Sam could feel it like a change in the air. “Alright,” he mumbled. “Warn me when you go off blowing up another city.” With a sigh Sam got up. For a moment his gaze lingered on Higgs but then he returned back to the shelter where Lou was already waiting on him, waiting for someone to pay attention to her.

**HIGGS**

Of course, he had considered grabbing what he could and booking it. It had been the first thought on his mind. In the middle of the night, he’d been standing at the front door of the shelter with his hand on the door handle, ready to press it down and make a run for it. His Demens gear had been lying in the spare bedroom of the shelter, but for a blissful moment, Higgs hadn’t cared about that. All he’d cared about had been getting out and getting away. His father had never let him. The thought had made him grimace and his heart jump. Higgs had shifted his weight and quietly opened the shelter door. A cold gust of wind had greeted him, promising timefall.

That had been inconsequential too as he’d stepped outside in bare feet and Sam’s sort of too short clothes, feeling the hairs on his arms and neck stand up at the temperature difference. Slowly breathing he’d taken in the cool air, closing his eyes as he’d walked out into freedom with a small grin of his face. With every step taken he’d felt like a child again, sneaking out for the very first time again.

Standing there in the cold night with a slight gust tugging at his clothes Higgs had dug his feet into the earth and waited. He hadn’t been sure what for, but as he had been standing there he’d realised that this was very much all he’d wanted and suddenly running had become the inconsequential thing.

At some point he’d become cold and wandered back inside, feeling strangely satisfied with himself as he’d went back to sleep.

Admittedly, a part of him had been testing, not only Sam’s nerves but also his willingness to let him do his own thing by leaving the shelter approximately every other hour.

Every time he opened the door, every time it closed behind him, there was a surge of giddy pride rising within in him. As if he’d bested Sam at something forbidden. His feet were shifting in small excited steps from side to side and then he was making his round around the shelter or lay or sat in the grass somewhere close by.

For a while, each time he went out something inside him short-circuited, reverted him back into a child that was too excited about being outside to focus on anything else at all.

He was staring up at the sky from underneath his hood, drawing it deeper when the sun was starting to blind him while he watched the clouds. Sam had been leaving him alone since their little chat, although he still came outside every now and then as if he had to make sure that Higgs hadn’t made a run for it. A thought which seemed more than ridiculous now that he was lying here under the sun in a cool breeze. Why would anyone run when they could spend their whole day like this?

“I didn’t think it would stick,” he said just loud enough for Sam to hear.

As uncomfortable as the ground was getting Higgs had no intention of getting up. The freedom to leave whenever he wished was more than he had ever expected of Sam, who might have decided so on purpose, given how drunk he was on the feeling. Drunk and complacent it was making him, which made it hard to question Sam’s intention in the first place. A part of him was dying to know, but the part of him that knew better kept its mouth shut tight. Instead, Higgs stretched and rolled onto his side to watch Sam, cushioning his head with one of his arms. “It never did, so why would her powers be any different.” He continued, drawling.

He watched Sam’s boots as he walked closer. They were untied and worn, but it would likely be a long time till they needed replacement considering he wasn’t trekking across the country anymore all day long. “Maybe it just needs longer to wane off with her,” Sam replied, crouching at his side.

“Nope,” Higgs replied, pushing against Sam’s knee till he was forced to sit in the dirt with him. Deciding that he was going to enjoy his outside time to the fullest. Shoving memories from long ago of sleeping in shallow caves when he hadn’t been able to find shelter elsewhere or too far from it aside. The sound of timefall was faintly ringing in his ears. An ever-constant reminder of worse days. Of porter days too.

His eyes flicked up at Sam, while he let his hand sink to the ground. “I could feel it,” sighing Higgs pawed at the ground and heaved himself up, rubbing a sore spot on his upper arm, feeling a little dizzy from staring at the sky for so long. Like had to get used to sitting again. “On the Beach,” he mumbled. “I could feel it was gone… as if someone had sucked it all out of me, all that funny, tingling energy gone.” His mouth curved into a small amused smile. Although he felt rather joyless. “All that’s left is little-old-me’s dumb not-exactly-Dooms.”

“You didn’t lose your clairvoyance,” Sam remarked.

Higgs hummed in agreement. That was an odd thing. It had never been very strong. “Maybe it’s like with Dooms,” he thought out loud, “you either have it or you don’t and when you have it you have it.”

Thoughtfully Sam hummed while Higgs watched his face. Their eyes met for a moment and Higgs found his gaze lingering, trying to read beyond the superficial expression on Sam’s face before Sam turned his eyes away again. A question that neither of them could bring into the world lingered in the silence between them as he searched Sam’s eyes and face.

“You should come inside soon,” Sam mumbled, turning his head away and standing up. “It’s going to rain soon.”

“I know, I can smell it…” Higgs replied off-handedly. Everyone who had spent a significant amount of time outside knew the smell of timefall and would be able to recognise it a mile away. The air pressure changed too. Truth be told it was a whole body feeling including every sense when you knew what to look for.

Higgs watched him leave, waiting till the timefall was almost overhead before he followed him inside.


	4. Proximity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Higgs' List of Priorities  
> \- Pizza  
> \- Everything Else

**SAM**

He was wearing the washed-out clothes he’d come with when they had found it. Worn letters, black on a white shirt, told Sam “I like birthdays but I think too many can kill you.” It looked like Higgs had grabbed them from a discarded pile of whatever had been left after the Stranding, and he probably had. Beggars couldn’t be chooser and the post-Stranding world had to make do what had been left.

Curled up with his back against the couch was Higgs with Lou dozing at his side after pestering him to read her favourite book for the dozenth time. He hadn’t moved in quite a while and looked almost pleading at Sam, who couldn’t help the amused curve of his mouth. “I’ll rescue you if you answer me something.”

“ _Anything_ … my leg’s been asleep forever,” Higgs groaned quietly.

Amused Sam snorted. “The mighty man in the golden mask, defeated by a sleeping five-year-old,” he mocked playfully. Yet he knelt down to carefully unfurl Lou’s grip from Higgs’ clothes and hoist her into his arms while he shushed her silent complaints. “If only Bridges had known.”

Grumbling to himself Higgs attempted to move his leg but only hissed in discomfort so he contented himself with rubbing the blood flow back into it. “Fuck you too.”

Laughing quietly Sam carried Lou around the couch to lay her down on it and bundled her up in a spare woollen blanket which she clutched in her sleep.

Not quite sure why but when he returned to Higgs he offered him his hand to help him up. Which was evidently enough to break the quiet string of curses he muttering under his breath and look up at him with amusement. Although he hissed and bit his lip when Sam carefully heaved him off the ground.

Clawing his nails lightly into Sam’s forearms Higgs balanced not very securely on his one working leg, while he tried to stretch and wriggle the other back into feeling normal again. “ _Ooh_ , Mr Aphenphosmphobia,” he purred amused and mocking because Sam was allowing him to grip on for balance.

Higgs laughed quietly and grinned, now able to steady himself more easily, even when he swayed a little. Instead of letting go Sam could feel the grip of his nails ease and rough fingers smoothing over the indents they had caused. A small voice in the back of his mind was telling him that Higgs was testing his limits. How far he could go before Sam would inevitably shake him off, but the remainder of Sam’s thoughts were fixed on his face and his question.

“Are you as old as you look?” Unfortunately, there was no decent way to ask this question. Higgs would have to accept it the way it came. The thought had been bugging for a while. Igor’s little spaceman had reminded him of that. The Corpse Disposal team usually looked older than it was due to their frequent exposure to timefall. As did most others who frequently spent time outside. “You _were_ a porter–"

“That was a _long_ time ago,” Higgs snapped grimly.

Undeterred Sam continued. “You weren’t associated with Bridges and it took you a while to find Fragile, no chance you weren’t exposed to a little timefall.”

Quietly Higgs’ stare was examining him and while he was good at keeping most of his expression still his mouth was a traitor to the rest of his face with its small telling twitches.

“Thought so.” There was no answer needed now. A prepper kid who had likely stolen his first real gear from a bunch of Mules in order to survive. He half expected Higgs to dig his nails into his arms again. Instead he drew his arms away, half folding them in front of his chest, half hugging himself in the process.

“But you’re aren’t as old as you look either,” Higgs stated half accusatory and half defensive, while his nostrils flared as if trying to sniff his age out of the air.

Sam’s mouth curved upward in amusement. Of course, he wasn’t. But at least his reflection matched the way he felt on most days. Higgs sniffed again. Sam couldn't help, but wrinkle his nose in response.

There was a question lingering and unanswered and Higgs didn’t ask. Didn’t ask… he never asked. Sam had noticed that. His questions were almost always statements. “But you’re probably right.” Squinting, Higgs scrutinised him momentarily, nodding eventually since that was pretty much all he could do at this point. Thoughtfully he considered Sam once more. It had been a while since anybody had wanted to know his age or really anything in that regard.

“Do you know how old you are?” Chances were birthdays hadn’t been big with Higgs’ uncle, and his suspicions were confirmed when Higgs nonchalantly shook his head. Sam hummed. “Do you want me to take a guess?”

“No,” Higgs replied, sounding surprisingly decisive about it. And when Sam looked at him with question in his eyes, he explained. “I honestly don’t care. _Really_ ,” he insisted, when Sam quietly pried. “As far as I’m concerned it’s enough that I’m not a kid anymore.”

“Fair enough.”

Despite having let go of each other they still hadn’t moved from where they were standing, and when they broke out of the stillness they circled each other for a moment before they managed to break away from each other completely.

**

The nightmares had woken him. At this point Sam had gotten so used to it that he staggered into the kitchen with his heart in his throat. He should ask Amelie for another dream catcher, but he didn’t want to.  
It wasn’t one of the nights that Higgs frequented the kitchen Sam noted. With his heart slowing down and his body slowly realising that it wasn’t in danger he paid his surroundings a little more mind, searching for a flicker of blue light that suggested Higgs’ whereabouts. Or perhaps it was one of the rare nights that he was simply asleep.

Sighing Sam refilled the glass he’d downed in a few gulps and emptied it again, setting it on the kitchen counter before he made his way back to bed with slow, tired steps. No matter how awake his mind was now, his body was still weary and not at all happy about being jolted awake like that.

Heavily Sam let himself fall onto the mattress and onto the bedsheets, unconcerned about the lack of a blanket above him he closed his eyes and breathed deeply. “Higgs,” he mumbled, wary as much as exasperated when another weight settled next to him in the dark. Higgs tensed while Sam settled more comfortably and opened an eye to glare at him. “Dooms?” He asked, finding it unnecessary to state the obvious. “You’re not drunk, again are you?”

“No…” Came the quiet, grumbly reply.

“Then kindly fuck off.”

“Can’t sleep,” he sighed, letting himself sink down right next to Sam. Even in his sleep, he wore the goddamn hood. “Yes and no.”

That was the answer to his question, Sam, who had rolled over and turned his back to him, realised. Maybe if he ignored him he’d go away. “Is the no why you’re here?” He’d placed the words carefully in the silence between them, thinking that the way Higgs pointedly didn’t answer his question was enough of an answer. “What do you dream of when it’s not the end of the world?”

“It’s always the end of the world, you know that,” Higgs muttered, his voice rough from sleep. “It just got worse.”

“Worse?”

Instead of answering Higgs made one of his question-statements. “Your aphenphosmphobia is psychosomatic.”

“That’s a big word, d’you even know what it means?” Sam teased, earning himself a friendly jab into the back of his ribs. Glad how the dark hid the little grin on his face now.

“Means it’s all in your big dumb head,” Higgs mumbled anyway. “Your brain is convinced it’s real so your body’s acting accordingly and you won’t get over it unless you accept that.”

“Hm…” Sam considered turning around for a moment but then decided he was better off not doing so. Higgs’ palm lingered on the place he’d just hit as if he was trying to infuse him with something.

“It’s aaall jumbled up,” Higgs was playfully tugging at his shirt as he continued speaking, clearly intending to annoy him but right now Sam couldn’t care less. Sighing Higgs huffed out his frustrations. “World’s ending and I can’t do shit about it no matter how hard I try, ironic isn’t it.”

“No…” Sam decided after thinking about that for a while.

Frustrated Higgs thumped his head against Sam’s shoulder blade. “Stop agreeing with me, you’re making me sick,” he announced, nose buried in Sam’s back, bringing back memories of the last time they had shared this bed and the awkward entangling it had resulted in, in the morning. Not to mention the hangover. Strangely enough this time around Sam found his presence much less bothersome. With a sigh he shifted and made himself comfortable again, deciding that it was a problem for Future Sam again. (And once again Future Sam would hate Past Sam for that.)

Higgs huffed against his back, as if there was something he wanted to say but couldn’t bring himself to. Sam thought about that for a while and eventually replied quietly, “I don’t think I remember there ever being something else… the dream catcher kept my nights dreamless.” There was a pause, then he could feel the quiet vibration of Higgs humming against his back in appreciation for the answer to the question that hadn’t been spoken.

“Against timefall… the mask…” The words were spoken quietly against his back. Higgs shifted behind him, making himself more comfortable with his face buried in his back it seemed.

Sam let him, feeling objection rise in the form of tense muscles but not awake enough to dissect why that was, while the back of his mind assured him that all Higgs wanted was to get on his nerves by invading his personal space but frankly not caring enough to do anything about that at the current moment. “And here I thought you didn’t like your face,” Sam laughed dryly.

The grin pressed into his back was just as joyless. “Both…” Stretching, Higgs made himself comfortable, bumping his feet against Sam’s who had to fight the urge to withdraw in that instance. Something deep inside suggested that he shouldn’t. Suggested that he was quite comfortable next to Higgs and that the warmth of his body would somewhat substitute for the blanket he was lying on and was now definitely too lazy to pull out from under them. “But timefall made me think of it… y’know everything rots, ‘xcept chiralium,” the rest of his words became an incomprehensible mumble.

“Clever,” Sam admitted quietly. Too tired to consider the long-term effects of wearing a mask like that, unable to pinpoint why there seemed to be something off with the statement. “Fragile kept it.” He really didn’t know why he told him that. “She never forgot you.”

Seemingly instinctive Higgs grabbed onto the back of Sam’s shirt, clawing into it and pressing his forehead into his shoulder blade again, making Sam wonder what his face looked like now. “She told me she couldn’t bring herself to kill you, I never told anyone, but I also didn’t think I’d see you again in this lifetime.”

“Somethin’ went wrong,” Higgs muttered wearily, frowning as he spoke. “Terribly, terribly wrong… I can feel it.”

Sam felt himself drifting off to sleep mulling over the thought that Higgs felt a lot when it came to Dooms and chiralium, so he was probably right about that too, but he wasn’t awake enough to come to a proper conclusion on this.

**

The order hadn’t been a mere act of laziness although Sam would have to lie to say that he hadn’t been partial to it in that moment. Curious as ever Lou had been the first at the cargo shelf when the containers had arrived. Higgs had been at his side about three seconds later when he’d opened them and collected three boxes of pizza. It had been nearly impossible to keep either of them at bay so Sam let them have lunch in the living room.

Lou was sitting on the couch with her legs stretched out and the box in her lap while stuffing her face greedily with pizza when Sam made himself comfortable at her side, a small smirk on his face as he watched her.

He’d delivered all of Peter’s, well, Higgs' orders, and eaten the last in Higgs’ absence, which he was sure had been the intention anyway, even if not, Higgs didn’t get to complain about that now. From the look of the shelter it had been evident that he’d not been the only one tasked with these deliveries just as much as that Higgs had eaten every pizza to the last crumb. Also, that he’d had the shelter for longer than Bridges II.

It wasn’t surprising to see that Higgs’ excitement for pizza was as great as his emails had predicted him, but given that he’d never seen him accepting the cargo Sam couldn’t quite himself from staring.

Higgs was sitting across from them propped up against a wall and arranged his long limbs in such a way that it was comfortable but also shielded his prized possession from other greedy fingers. Although he was clearly able to exert more restraint than Lou, while blissfully chewing. Snorting amused Sam drew his eyes away and continued eating.

Lou had successfully eaten herself into a food coma and was dozing at his size, while Higgs was hovering around the couch, having his sights set on the last two slices of pizza in Sam’s box. He’d done so since he’d eaten up his share and when Sam met his stare squeezed himself into the small space that remained between the couch’s armrest and him. Given that Lou was on the other side it was for once the only sensible solution if he wanted to sit next to him. Higgs’ eyes were still glued to the last two slices of pizza. Sam watched him for another while, eventually deciding to grant him his wish with a sigh. “What’s the magic word?”

“Please.” His voice was dangerously close to a question.

“I was going for voidout because I wasn’t sure you were capable of saying that… have ‘em.”

Eagerly Higgs grabbed a slice before Sam had even finished his sentence, causing a quiet chuckle. Higgs sighed happily and leaned his weight against Sam’s shoulder. The slight as quickly forgotten as it had come.

“You love that more than the sixth extinction, don’t you?”

Higgs’ mouth had curved into a smile while he was eating and he seemed completely unaware of it. “Pizza doesn’t judge, pizza doesn’t lie or disappoint, pizza doesn’t beat the shit outta you, what’s not to love.” He finished the first slice greedily and grabbed for the second. “I don’t love the sixth extinction, I just think it’s overdue, like tidying up a messy room.”

“You don’t tidy up,” Sam remarked, remembering the inside of his shelter.

“I voidout,” Higgs confirmed. “Don’t need to tidy up if there’s nothing left to tidy,” he explained in between bites.

“Don’t you dare teach that Lou,” Sam smirked, elbowing him in a friendly manner.

Higgs made a small grumpy noise but remained undeterred in consuming the last slice of pizza. And even though he should know he peered into the box again when his hands were empty, finding it to be the same he swatted it away with a disgruntled sound. “So, what do I owe the pleasure?” The question was meant to be teasing but spoken just as carefully as every other he had ever directly asked him. Sam could still count them on his hands.

Preoccupied with the fact that Higgs was invading his personal space now in his waking time Sam hummed. It bothered him a whole lot less than he would have expected, but that alone bothered him. “Didn’t wanna cook,” he glanced at Higgs who eyed him with suspicion which only slowly waned. Sam’s glance fell onto the carvings that were peeking out under the ends of his sleeves and another questions came to mind. Instead, he asked, “aren’t you concerned about Bridges after everything you did?”

Higgs shrugged or tried his best to at least. “Bridges doesn’t know about me because for all that you’re concerned they can fuck off.”

Almost amused Sam snorted. He wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t entirely so simple either.

**

Lou was talking to Lockne on the cufflinks while Sam listened with half an ear from the doorway, keeping the rest of his senses focused on Higgs’ whereabouts. He wouldn’t have him butting in on their conversation. Or forcing an explanation out of him about the current situation.

“Ah, Lockne – Mama’s twin sister,” Higgs murmured, as if those words meant anything to him. His presence accompanied by the familiar tingle of feeling watched, an imagined pressure between his shoulder blades and Higgs taking a whiff of what was in the air with deliberate poise.

There was more sniffing after that, unwilling to put up with it Sam swatted in his direction, but only ending up with Higgs hovering ominously over his shoulder. “How much did you get from that?” He asked when Higgs made no further attempt to decipher what had been with his nose.

“Enough,” came the answer in a drawl.

With the way he was standing in the door frame his body was shielding Lou and Lockne for the moment and Higgs had no way of coming through. When she noticed him standing behind Sam Lou’s face lit up but she nodded solemnly when Sam put a finger to his lips. No talking about Higgs for the moment. His little conversation with her a while ago about repatriation had been the only time Sam had dared to risk mentioning anything about him.

“You like the thought of Bridges busting your door open less than putting up with me,” Higgs mumbled amused.

Sam thought he could feel him leaning closer.

“You can tell that without sniffing me like a bloodhound?”

He could practically hear the grin splitting Higgs’ mouth open when he leaned against his shoulder, settling his body way too comfortably against his, Sam found and tensed against the feeling, which only seemed to amuse Higgs. “The closer I am the less I have to try, besides I’m wearing no mask at all right now either.” His head was leaning against Sam’s allowing a whisper to be enough to be heard.

“Remind me to never let you into my bed again,” Sam grumbled. The prospect of Higgs being able to quite literally sniff out everything he wanted this close to him wasn’t making him feel very comfortable.

A suppressed fit of laughter was buried in his shoulder, warm, amused breaths against his shirt. Sam imagined it was the perfect hiding spot for his face with the hood covering the rest of his head. His nose tingled with the faint scent of chiralium, which he recognised as the golden stripes painted onto the inner lining of the cloak. “What’s so funny?”

“You,” Higgs grinned, sounding awfully comfortable in his position. “Mr Aphenphosmphobia.”

All that was missing were arms around his torso. Sam imagined the crinkles around his nose as Higgs would decipher that and how the corners of his mouth would curve upward again. Thankfully Higgs didn’t follow up on the suggestion and left his hands where they were.


	5. Marks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> higgs has the best lines and sam wants to be an isolated sheepherder in iceland

**SAM**

Lockne sounded apologetic when he picked up. “I tried,” she sighed. “He won’t have it.”

“Who?” Sam inquired. He’d made himself comfortable on the couch, deciding that if he was going to deal with Bridges today he wouldn’t be caught in between of doing other things. Absent-mindedly he kicked his foot lightly in Higgs direction, who was always drawn to anything that made a noise he wasn’t already familiar with. Undeterred by the foot was trying to keep him at bay however he caught it and sat down opposite of Sam.

“The President,” she said matter-of-factly, but there was more to it than her curt reply. Sam could sense that even without a sense of clairvoyance. 

“Die-Hardman?” Sam clarified although for all that he knew there hadn’t been another president since he’d left. Lockne made an agreeing sound. “Whatever he wants tell him no,” Sam grumbled. Kicking again in an attempt to free himself from Higgs’ grasp, but without success.

There was a sound like someone opening their mouth in a breath to talk, but it was interrupted by another all too familiar voice. “She did,” Die-Hardman admitted. “I’m sorry Sam but this is the only way I thought we could talk.”

Mulling over that for a moment had Die-Hardman asking him to confirm he was still there with too much worry in his voice than Sam thought fitting for a president. “What happened?” He decided to ask after another few heartbeats. If it concerned him he would consider it. If not, he could just hang up. Although going by how apologetic Lockne had sounded Die-Hardman’s chances weren’t rosy.

There was a heavy sigh at the other end of the line. “We’ve been trying to clear the tar belt–”

“Going with your blood profile has helped us find several suitable donors,” Lockne interrupted happily.

This time as he kicked Sam found he was only hitting air at the end of the motion and when he looked up found Higgs gone. Leaning his head back he found him standing behind him. “Ambitious.” Higgs kept his voice low, but Sam hissed at him anyway. He sounded appreciative just as much as amused. As if the mere thought of someone, anyone, clearing the tar belt was more than ridiculous.

“Let me guess, there’s nothing like my blood to get the job done.” Sam couldn’t help the sigh.

“Not quite,” Lockne replied. “Sure, your blood is the best we have but that doesn’t make our weapons less effective.”

Picking up the turn of the conversation Sam grimaced. “No. Find someone else.”

“Our only two options are you, or someone with Dooms like Higgs,” Die-Hardman said gravely. “Considering that I’d rather have you than someone willing the tar belt away with a flick of their wrist.”

Behind him Higgs made a small offended noise. “That took a lot more than a flick of my wrist,” he grumbled.

“Shaddup,” Sam mouthed back just as quietly as he could.

“Is there someone with you, Sam…?” Lockne inquired carefully.

Thankfully she didn’t get to see the scuffle that ensued when Sam tried to keep Higgs from talking. “Ignore that…” He breathed. Elbowing Higgs in the side and receiving the same in return.

“Let ‘em talk,” Higgs mouthed, seemingly intrigued by the proposal. Sounding almost imploring now.

“You have absolutely no say in this if you can’t un-create that disaster,” Sam replied in a grumble. Then louder and directed at Lockne and Die-Hardman again he said, “I won’t do it. There’s nothing you can say to convince me otherwise.” And with that he hung up and tossed the cufflinks aside. Fuming quietly Sam folded his arms and glared at Higgs who looked at him with silent question. Sam watched his nostrils flare, but Higgs remained where he was, sitting on the armrest of the couch.

Sam shifted in his position, bringing a little more distance between them. With a little sigh he closed his eyes. “And what’s next?” He threw the words accusingly in Higgs’ direction. “What comes after the tar belt, hm? It won’t stop. It never does until I make it. That’s one hell of a job.”

Higgs remained quiet.

“I’m thoroughly sick of it.”

There was still no answer, and when Sam looked at him again he saw that Higgs was for some reason waiting for him to finish his rant. Something thoughtful flickered across his face when their eyes met. The scuffle had shoved the hood somewhat out of his face, but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it because Higgs hadn’t made any attempt to fix it yet.

“You know that I can’t do a thing about this,” Higgs replied irritated.

Scrutinising him Sam retorted, “and wouldn’t you like to try?” Silence answered him. “You still have your clairvoyance and it seems rather untouched to me. Don’t you wanna know what else is there?”

Higgs scoffed. A hollow grin showing on his face. “Clever. I prove that I can still summon BTs and you can hand me over to Bridges to finish what faint-hearted Fragile started.” He raised a warning finger, shaking it in disapproval.

Admittedly Sam had been more preoccupied with effectively getting rid of the tar belt than with the possible consequence of Higgs’ involvement. “You can’t fault Bridges for only trusting you as far as they can throw you.”

“Bridges?” Higgs mused, sounding puzzled. “But not Sam Bridges”, he added, the little grin returned, beckoning an answer.

“Whatever Bridges’ fears, if you had wanted to, you already would have,” Sam replied matter-of-factly. “If you planned on using me to get inside, this settles it.”

Higgs snorted. “Trust me I have no need for your assistance to get inside Bridges,” he remarked dryly. “The tar belt can stay for all that I care.”

**

Somewhere the depths of the back of his closet Higgs had found an old Bridges hoodie which Sam had kept from the first expedition and had forgotten about after Lucy’s death. Somehow it had made its way back into his possession when he’d left for good. Currently it was doing a rather poor job of hiding Higgs’ face.

“It’s just me and Lou,” Sam didn’t know why he felt the need to reassure him when he saw Higgs tugging at it. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, with his head bowed as if that helped any. “Why bother?” Sam leaned against the doorway.

Visibly frustrated with the world, himself and the unfairness of clothing sizes Higgs looked up at him and pulled at the strings of the hoodie to close it as best as he could in front of his face. All the while not breaking eye-contact with Sam.

“And we both know what your face looks like.”

“Then _unsee_ it,” Higgs hissed menacingly. Unfortunately, because he was just a talking hoodie right now it was all but that.

A little amused Sam shifted his weight to get a little more comfortable. “You know it doesn’t work that way.” Sam paused. “And we both know you can’t walk around like that till your cloak’s washed and dried.”

“Try me,” Higgs bit back dryly.

“Be my guest.”

“Are you laughing at me?”

“You’re as menacing as a feral kitten,” Sam mumbled trying his best to keep a straight face and the grin from his lips. “C’mon, Lou wants to go outside.”

**

Third time’s the charm. Or so people said. Sam was pretty sure either way that at this rate he and Higgs were forming a habit of napping together and he had yet to decide whether or not he liked it. It was dreadful enough that each time he woke Sam found himself awfully comfortable and at ease despite the precarious situation. One more reason not to visit Bridges anytime soon he figured as he stared quite mindlessly at Higgs’ sleeping face.

There wasn’t enough space in his bed to comfortably fit two adults, but that evidently wasn’t remotely enough to deter Higgs. He seemed to prefer small spaces anyway Sam thought, always squeezing his tall figure into nooks and crannies that were too small for comfort when he was reading or watching something. And right now between him and the wall.

The ill-fitting hoodie had shifted off his head in his sleep, revealing streaks of ash mixed into the darker blond like he remembered from the Beach. Although it was still a mystery to Sam how it had happened. Back then his hair had been crusted with tar, but it ran smoothly beneath his fingers and under his palm now when Sam pushed the stray strands out of the way that covered the carving on his forehead.

He’d thought of it as a tattoo for a while, but Higgs’ unmasked face outside of Edge Knot and later on the Beach had disproven that despite the tar, which he had been ominously bleeding, that had obscured it. Now with no tar on his face, it was evident that it just as much a carving as the equations on his arms and legs. Careful not to wake him, Sam smoothed his thumb over the broken skin, trailing the scarred cuts lightly.

The reason for his name forever etched into his skin. A testament of the Particle of God himself. Ironic.

The lowest two lines weren’t so visible anymore now that his eyebrows were showing again and Higgs apparently couldn’t be bothered to remove them. They were growing back in irregular patches between the scars. Sam ran his index finger along the curve above his left eye. Higgs stirred in his sleep and scrunched up his nose, but he didn’t wake and Sam hummed quietly in response. As if meaning to assure Higgs that he should continue to sleep.

Whatever Higgs had used as eyeliner had long since been washed off and since there wasn’t such a thing in their shelter he’d had to go without it ever since. Maybe that was why he kept hiding his face, Sam snorted amused at the thought. He’d have to ask, Sam mused silently, thinking that Higgs looked almost uncharacteristically young with his face relaxed from sleep. Timefall had weathered his features, he’d admitted to that even if unwillingly. Just like his own. It was inevitable when you spent too much time outside these days. Sooner or later it got to you and if it wasn’t the timefall it was the visits to the Beach.

Drawing his hand away he considered the missing mask for a moment. A mask of life. A mask for the living. The sentence had been so uncharacteristic that it had stuck with him. It was almost ironic that it had come to stand for the opposite in the end.

Entangling his drowsy limbs from Higgs’ Sam managed to sit up, feeling a hand slide from his side over his stomach and grabbed loosely onto the fabric there. No matter how they fell asleep, when Higgs crawled into his bed like a child scared from nightmares he always ended up holding on to Sam like a Kraken. It was almost adorable, but there was no way he would ever actually say that.

Attempting to climb out of bed was a lot easier said than done for Sam but eventually his feet were on the floor and Higgs curled up in the space behind him. He would have figured Higgs preferred to sleep sprawled out, taking up as much space as possible, Sam thought as his eyes lingered for a moment.

He’d made two steps when Higgs raised his tired, gruff voice. “Where’re you goin’?” He mumbled a lot less coherent than it was to Sam’s ears.

“Shower,” Sam replied and continued his way. Higgs responded with something utterly incomprehensible that Sam didn’t even try to decipher as he picked some clothes from the drawer and made his way into the bathroom. Briefly wondering if Higgs had the moxie to try and follow him, answering his own question with an unsatisfying _probably_ and eventually grateful that Higgs was too tired to move it appeared.

The warm water had woken him up sufficiently and when he peered back into the bedroom Higgs was sitting on the edge of the bed, bundled up in his blanket and grumpy. “I’m making breakfast, if you want some, you’ll have to move.”

A hissed growl answered him, and Sam disappeared with a smirk he couldn’t explain into the kitchen where Lou was already waiting on him and demanding breakfast. With her, she had toy Higgs who, she announced, also was hungry. Smiling Sam told her to go grab the small plate that was reserved for all her hungry stuffed animals and toys since she had been three and absolutely adamant and inconsolable when her favourite toys didn’t also receive some of their breakfast, lunch or dinner. Whatever she had, her toys also had to get a small bite.

The smell of food Sam had found, always made Higgs more amiable, so while he still resembled some blanket-eldritch monster when he was hovering in the door frame, by the time he’d made it to the stove and cabinets he was only a little grumpy and weary. From there he was quickly recruited by Lou to helping with setting the table before he could scrounge some food from Sam, who noted the grumpy note in with voice with a little amused grin. Lou had long since seen through him and she wouldn’t let him near the pans unless he also got some for her. Which never happened. So she always forced him to set the table with her.

And for some reason Higgs did, and seeming quite entertained too when he humoured her antics of trying to order him around. Playfully hinting at it that nobody was supposed to get away with that and letting her get away with it anyway. Feeling his lingering eyes whenever his back was turned and Higgs seemed to think he wouldn’t notice. But he wasn’t exactly inconspicuous trying to hide behind the mountain of scrambled eggs and vegetables and toast on his plate, when his curious, puzzled glance. Lou had always been a big eater, and Higgs made it rather clear where her appetite would lead one day. Both of them were ravenous.

Whatever Higgs wanted to know Sam was sure that he would find a clever way of worming the information out of him without actually asking. He was good at that, even if it didn’t involve smelling him. Unfortunately, just this once he had apparently decided that it was not the way to go about it. Instead, he stared at him with terribly concealed interest from across the room, making Sam reconsider his wish for him to stop smelling him. If those were his only two options then he definitely favoured the more direct approach, even if it meant the invasion of his personal space at any given point of the day.

**

“Alright, spit it out,” Sam grumbled, closing the distance between them.

The interest on Higgs’ face had become stunned acceptance of something Sam couldn’t fathom. He’d been lurking at the other end of the room, pretending to read. His mouth opened, then he reconsidered and most pragmatically grabbed the hem of Sam’s shirt, pulling it up to reveal the scar that covered his stomach. “What the fuck,” he said gesturing at it. It was a question as much as a statement and though Higgs seemingly had been aware of it or its placement, he apparently hadn’t thought it would actually be there. Puzzled amazement mixed with frustration on his face.

Instinct told Sam to flinch away but Higgs had been faster, so he only pulled a face when the pieces suddenly clicked into place. “Amelie’s doll,” he muttered.

Curiously Higgs eyed him again, his nostrils flared but before he could do or say anything Sam placed his hand over his nose and mouth, pushing him away. “No, not like that,” he decided. Higgs pulled a face but eventually nodded, and only then did Sam withdraw his hand.

“Why do you have the same scar as the doll Amelie gave me?” Higgs’ voice was careful as much as determined when he phrased his question. Whether he was aware of it or not his body shifted backwards and sideways into a more defensive position that minimised the area of him someone could reach, just as well as making it easier for him to make a run for it.

Fortunately, it meant that he also let go of his shirt, which Sam now tugged back into place while eyeing him a little thoughtfully. There wasn’t really any way to talk about it in a normal way he figured. “I died,” Sam figured that was a good way to start. Realising that Higgs was backed against the wall, he shifted to the side to leave more room for him.

Still wary but with curiosity overtaking Higgs blinked and examined him again. “You’re a repatriate,” he stated matter-of-factly.

“I wasn’t born one, Amelie made me this way when…” Sam couldn’t stop the way his voice halted for a moment, refusing to work, so he ended up having to force the words out. “Bridget killed my father,” he continued quietly. “And me in the process, her regret made me what I am – Dooms and all.” Absent-mindedly Sam smoothed his thumb down the central line of the scar. He’d always accepted it as a given, but the way Higgs now kept staring at his stomach made him feel awfully self-conscious about it.

Higgs made an indignant sound full of loathing at the edges, still staring at the scar.

“You were a cog in her machine, you were never meant to know,” Sam said with a quiet sigh. It was easy to understand in retrospect. It also eased his worry about the scar by a significant amount. Amelie surely wouldn’t have wanted Higgs to know about that. Which made their conversation an interestingly rebellious act.

Groaning, Higgs nodded unhappily. Certainly, nobody had said he was supposed to be happy about it. His annoyance lasted until another question occupied his mind. And while the wariness hadn’t left his voice or shoulders, the rest of his body seemed to slowly relax when nothing continued to happen. “Aren’t you mad at her? I would be furious.” There was a pause. “ _Oh_ , that’s why you don’t want to go back to Bridges.”

“How did you know about the scar?” Sam inquired instead of dealing with Higgs’ rather accurate prediction.

He shrugged. “I didn’t… I could smell it on you,” almost defensively he folded his arms in front of his chest. “But it wasn’t clear enough to be certain and I didn’t know what to make out of it.”

Sam shot him a questioning glance. He was still unclear how much Higgs could actually tell with his nose, but it was evidently more than Sam wanted it to be. “How exactly does that work anyway?” He gestured at Higgs’ face and leaned against the wall, effectively reserving the positions they had started with now. “Are you like a bloodhound?”

Higgs thought about that for a moment. “I have to concentrate on what I want to know,” he shifted in place and glanced away as if trying to focus his thoughts. “Usually that works for me, but sometimes I pick something up… like your scar, and I can’t place it.”

And then he had to know. He didn’t say it, but Higgs didn’t need to either.

“Sounds handy…” Sam admitted, scrutinising him. “When did you get a whiff of my scar?”

Higgs cleared his throat, his glance briefly examining Sam. “You were dreaming about what happened or something,” he spoke as carefully as he had when he had asked his question.

Or perhaps it had been just the overlay of his nightmares. It was hard to say. He hadn’t had them in decades and there never had been anyone around to tell him what their clairvoyance could glean from them. “How do you know it’s why I don’t want to go back to Bridges?” Sam eventually asked, although he wasn’t getting his hopes up for a proper answer. It was a little more complicated than just that of course. It was Amelie and Bridget and Die-Hardman and his father and everything mixed together, boiling uncomfortably inside of him.

Closing his eyes Higgs inhaled a deep breath through his nose, furrowing his brows as he did so. “I can smell a marrow-deep sadness, your memories drenched in… helplessness, wrath…” The creasing deepened. “Acceptance despite the unfairness.” Higgs opened his eyes halfway, tilting his head a little, his gaze thoughtful. “It’s something you couldn’t help, couldn’t stop, wasn’t your fault…” He shrugged nonchalantly. “One of these things anyway. It’s buried deep inside of you, I can’t make out what it is, but it’s got somethin’ to do with your scar and… there is intense dislike wrapped around all things Bridges thanks to it.”

“Hm,” Sam gave a gruff hum as a reply. “How close… exactly… would you have to get to make out what happened?” He wondered, placing the question carefully in the space between them, not quite certain right now whether or not he would let Higgs close enough.

The expression on Higgs’ face distorted into something malcontent. “Don’t ever ask me that Mr Aphenphosmphobia,” he said, turned away and left.


	6. Hold Your Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did u guys know that napping together is like the ideal bonding experience? haha, they're so fucked.
> 
> look idk where sam's shelter is and distance doesn't matter if you can trek across the map in less than 3 hours game time

**SAM**

He’d half expected Higgs to show up, although Sam had to admit it was sooner than he’d imagined. This time around Higgs didn’t wait till he couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night till he made himself comfortable next to Sam on the small bed, just when Sam had been trying to drift off to sleep.

Grumbling quietly, he managed to turn himself around and glare at Higgs, although he didn’t do much more to get rid of him.

Resting comfortably with his head on his hand Higgs eyed him for a while, before he said, “I’ve had a thought.”

“Please spare me,” Sam groaned. “We’re not gonna nuke Bridges.”

“But, we could nuke the tar belt,” he replied, carefully gauging Sam’s reaction. “It’s quick and it’s easy, and Bridges won’t only leave you in peace they won’t ever ask you to deal with their problems again.”

His initial stunned, almost upset silence was slowly replaced but the awful urge to laugh at the reaction of Die-Hardman if he went and nuked the entire tar belt into oblivion. Sam had to bite his lip to keep a straight face, but the corners of Higgs’ mouth twitched and betrayed his own reaction for a chuckle. “I don’t condone either that solution nor you suggesting it to me!” He managed quite adamantly and bored a finger into Higgs’ chest.

“Oh, but you’re considering it,” Higgs smirked Cheshire-Cat-like and equally pleased with himself.

With a mix of exasperation and aggravation, Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. If there was one thing Higgs was right about in this whole mess, it was that Bridges would never ask him for anything again. “If we… _I_ … do that, I’m reporting your secret stash of World War II nukes to Bridges in the process,” he remarked dryly.

“Tough luck I can make bombs from scratch if need be,” Higgs retorted and earned a friendly punch to the ribs, which was really just Sam more than lightly knocking his fist into them and proceeding to push just as lightly. Making sure the motion was as harmless as it could be in every possible way. Higgs replied with a gruff little sound, but he left Sam’s hand where it was.

“We’re not nuking the tar belt and that’s that.”

“Killjoy,” Higgs drawled, letting his head sink onto the mattress. He had his cloak back so it was once again well hidden. But Sam could see the smile on his face when Higgs grabbed for his wrist and lifted it under his nose, by lightly touching the back of it till Sam move it on his own and letting it linger just out of reach for touch but close enough for his clairvoyance. “You’re still considering it,” he teased. Sam pulled a face.

They were too close for comfort, but Sam thought it was just close enough. “Will you let me sleep if I try to?” He inquired, scrutinising Higgs. Earning a thoughtful hum in response that seemed to come to an agreeing conclusion. “I’ll kick you out if you don’t,” Sam mumbled when he rolled over and closed his eyes once more. Breathing deeply, he was able to relax, noting half aware of his surroundings how Higgs made himself comfortable next to him cause of the way their bodies inevitably bumped into each other. Eventually, Sam drifted off, the less and less awake part of his brain musing how strange it was that he could fall asleep next to Higgs of all people.

An arm had snaked around his waist in between sleeping and waking. An arm that was too big to belong to Lou, with fingers idly trailing the scar on his stomach through his shirt as if oddly fascinated by it. Higgs’ head was leaning against his own, cheek pressed against his hair, a low hum coming from his throat when he noticed that Sam was waking up. “I can see it now,” he mumbled, his voice as sleepy as Sam felt. “Bridget’s regret and Amelie’s sorrow…” Digging his nose into Sam’s hair he took a deep breath, sending a shiver down the back of his neck that let his hairs stand up.

“Your father – that soldier, I saw him… with Amelie on her Beach… she’d never tell me who he was, probably scared I’d ruin the happy little reunion for her.” The tone of his voice betrayed Higgs for something unspoken, it sounded distrustful and a little envious, but more than anything bitter.

Sam had a feeling the revelation should scare him, but his body was at odds with his mind about what was safe and what wasn’t around Higgs, and surely if he had wanted to he would have already killed them both. Sam couldn’t help but consider the thought, for its bright contrast to the feeling of lazy comfort which had taken over his body.

“You’re such a tragedy Sam Bridges,” Higgs mused in a low voice, seemingly utterly unperturbed by that revelation.

From somewhere across the shelter Lou called for him, declaring she was hungry and that he had to get up.

“Your daughter demands breakfast,” Higgs added helpfully as if that hadn’t been evident already. But he did very little to allow Sam to get up, who managed to escape his Kraken-like limbs anyway.

At least Higgs hadn’t actively done anything to stop him, Sam thought as he tugged his shirt into place and ran a hand through his hair. Turning his head with a glance back at Higgs he quietly said, “likewise, prepper kid.” A mild jab towards the fact that he’d read his journal in its entirety. If Higgs had ever wondered Sam figured that now he didn’t need to anymore.

**

There were only two ways it could go. They could leave Higgs or they could take him with them and Sam wasn’t about to leave a former Demens all alone locked up in his home. So, it was decided unanimously between Lou and him, each of them having their own reasons but still unanimously. The only downside that came with taking Higgs with them for the moment was that the only clothes he had for continuous outside wear, was his Demens gear.

Lou was wearing her miniature Bridget standard-issue suit and already waiting for them at the front while Sam gathered the last of their things and Higgs lingered near the stairs, being awfully patient for once.

There wasn’t much they had to carry with them. Usually Sam took some equipment just to be on the safe side, but with another person in tow and how well the porters had been building everywhere, it was becoming a redundant habit. Still he grabbed a few things from the closet and tossed Higgs a second pair of boots. There was also a container of food because Lou couldn’t go too long without some. “You’ll never know,” he insisted when he earned a raised brow in response from Higgs.

With a shrug Higgs tied them to his boot clip and followed him once Sam had locked the door. Watching amused when Lou immediately and almost automatically grabbed Higgs by the hand.

“Gotta hold hands,” she declared when he shot her a questioning look. “You don’t even know where we’re going, can’t have you get lost.” The way Higgs shot him a glance he was already guessing that Lou had heard those words more than once.

“You heard the little lady, hold tight and get a move on,” Sam smirked as he moved past him. Barely noticing how Higgs sniffed the air close to him, but guessing that he had anyway, he added, “we’re going to Mountain Knot so I hope you don’t mind the cold.”

Admittedly Sam still half-expected Higgs to book it the first chance he got and that he would grab Lou while he was at it, yet anytime Sam dared a glance in their direction Higgs was still faithfully glued to her hand and eventually Lou’s incessant chatter about their trip and previous ones eased his mind enough that he only listened to them with half an ear.

And while he didn’t indulge her with questions, Higgs remarks were of the kind that without further ado prompted more explanations anyway.

They made good progress on their first day, better than Sam would have expected, considering they were dragging Higgs along. “Not bad,” Sam teased half-hearted when they finally found shelter in a shallow cave and made camp.

“I used to be a porter,” Higgs replied dryly.

The moment Lou had sat down she’d become drowsy and was already rubbing her eyes now. Ready to fall asleep just like that, with her backpack on and everything. Most of what she carried where some toys she’d insisted on taking with them, a bit of food and a small water bottle. And while it wouldn’t have bothered Sam to carry that as well for her, he felt better knowing that Lou had something to eat and drink on her at all times. Besides she always insisted.

There wasn’t much comfort that could be provided in their current situation but Lou was happy enough to crawl into his open arms and curl up there, while Higgs watched and Sam rummaged through their luggage for something to eat. Greedily Lou devoured her sandwiches and drank her bottle half-empty before her body remembered how tired it was and she promptly fell asleep.

Sighing quietly Sam made himself as comfortable as it was possible against the stone wall. Drawing his legs close so he could shield Lou’s small body better, while Higgs still watched them from the entrance of the cave his figure seemingly ominously foreboding against the darkening sky in the background. Sam wanted to say something, but couldn’t think of anything till Higgs unglued himself from the entrance and made himself comfortable inside the cave.

“Thinking about running?”

“No,” Higgs admitted. Distractedly he was eyeing Sam’s cargo container of food.

They ate in silence, and Higgs, all tall limbs crouched in a corner trying to make himself smaller again than he was. There was something going on his mind, but he was unwilling to share it and Sam had a feeling he shouldn’t ask about it. He waited till Higgs fell asleep eventually and called Lockne.

“Sam!” Her voice was unexpectedly warm. “Where are you? I’m getting your signal. Is Lou with you?”

“She’s asleep, she’s had a long day,” Sam replied with a sigh, but there was a little smile on his face. “We’re on our way to Mountain Knot.”

“Oh Sam, don’t tell me you’re–” She broke off and cursed quietly. “You shouldn’t,” she added pointedly. “It’s not your problem, don’t let him make it your problem.”

Sighing Sam leaned his head against the stone behind him. He’d thought that over plenty, but eventually… he wasn’t exactly sure what had compelled him but there had been some truth to Higgs’ words. If he could make them not want his help ever again, that would do more good than ignoring Die-Hardman’s request. Besides. Lou would want him to. “I know… believe me I know…” So he would come with metaphorical middle fingers raised. “That’s not why I’m calling though, but I’d appreciate if you kept him off my back till we get there…”

“Sure,” Lockne agreed without missing a beat. Yet waiting patiently for Sam to speak again when he didn’t immediately continue.

“There’s three of us…” He managed eventually after mulling over his words for what felt like an eternity. “I’m bringing someone else.”

“A porter?” She stated, not really meaning it to be a question. With all the stray porters who had found their way into his home, Lockne had been bound to find out eventually with how much of a chatterbox Lou was.

Sam gave room for a weighted pause. He couldn’t tell her that it was Higgs, not even that it was a (former) Demens, even though that was exactly what he looked like in full regalia, immediately making their small procession into an odd little circus that would draw the eyes of every stranger they perhaps would come across. “A stray prepper kid, though not much of a kid to be honest…” Decidedly Sam settled on his words as he spoke. It was the most inconspicuous title he could think of giving Higgs without lying. Calling him a lost porter already narrowed it down too much and given that he was part of their small procession and not just an unwilling addendum he didn’t want Bridges to haul out the big guns upon their arrival. Not to mention that he didn’t need Lou to witness that.

“I’ll have another room prepared,” Lockne agreed, but Sam could tell from her voice that she knew he wasn’t telling her everything.

“Also pizza.”

“Pizza?”

“Just trust me on this, pizza for three people on our arrival, plus one for you, you can have them ready at the cargo desk.”

“Sure,” he could hear the frown in her voice. “Call me when you’re close.”

Sam hummed an agreeing sound and quietly ended the call, finally allowing himself to fall asleep.

**

Whenever Lou got tired one of them carried her till she was rested enough to walk on her own again, and although Sam might have had different plans she had insisted that Higgs carried her just as much. She had slept surprisingly soundly on his arm while they continued their way and Higgs had looked more than unperturbed by the fact that he was carrying a sleeping child in the first place.

“I should’ve just let you keep Lou for half a day,” Sam decided when Mountain Knot came into view. Lou had already run ahead and because from here on out their path was relatively clear he let her as long as she didn’t run out of sight.

“No,” Higgs shook his head. “Bridge Babies and actual small children aren’t the same category.”

“They’re both children.”

Higgs shrugged nonchalantly and carefully eyed the building they were approaching.

“Second thoughts?”

“No…” It didn’t sound very convincing but Sam didn’t press the matter for the moment being. He had his own worries. “But you do, I can smell it from a mile away.” Malcontent Higgs scrunched up his nose.

Pulling a face Sam shook his head. “Not second thoughts.”

“Then spit it out. Whatever it is that’s bothering you,” Higgs demanded grumbling. “You’re insufferable like this.”

His words posed a question that Sam decided to deal with later. Instead he did as asked and focused on what was bothering him at present. “You’d do well to remember that Bridges has eyes and ears everywhere. Especially ears.” They had identified his father’s Beaches by sound alone and there wasn’t a thing his cufflinks had missed when he still had worn them. All under the guise of connection. Warily Sam eyed the maw of Mountain Knot's entrance as his steps slowed.

“Big brother’s watching you. Got it,” Higgs replied dry-witted.

“Big brother’s even better at listening,” Sam reiterated, earning an aggravated groan in response. Yet Higgs followed with no further complaint as they caught up with Lou. “Take her hand, while we go inside.” Sam suggested when they were almost close enough for the holograms to show up. Although it was more a demand.

Thoughtfully and with quite some question Higgs eyed him for a moment, then looked at Lou. Then snorted and approached her with a wry grin. “C’mon you little BT detector, time for the grand entrance.”

Lou giggled and grabbed his hand. “You’re gonna scare auntie Lockne dressed like that.”

“Well, it’s the only clothes I’ve got on me, so what do we do about that?” He mused, leisurely strolling beside her, while Sam walked in front of them.

“Simple, we’re gonna get you new ones,” Lou replied decidedly and awfully sure of herself.

The holograms were as cheerful as ever as they walked up to them, disappearing without further ado as they walked past them. Behind him, he could hear Lou explaining to Higgs that those were pre-recorded and Lockne wasn’t really greeting them, but she still waved because she thought her aunt would like that. Sam could only imagine what went on during those moments in Higgs’ head.

They had made half of the descent when Lou spotted Lockne and immediately ripped herself free from the loose grip of Higgs’ hand to run up to her for a hug. Almost instinctively Sam held his hand out to keep Higgs at bay. First impressions were everything right now but they wouldn’t get very far if he just let him do whatever he wanted. Even if Higgs had been surprisingly well-behaved during the past couple months.

Tearing herself away from Lou Sam watched with bated breath as Lockne turned her attention towards him with one of those bright smiles of hers – still keeping Lou at her side with a hand on her back – and how it froze when she realised who it was that he’d brought along.

“Sam,” her voice was pressed and her eyes fixed on Higgs who was only managed by hand lightly held against his torso by Sam.

Silently he motioned Lockne to have patience, just for a moment as he pressed his hand more firmly against Higgs to get him to stop and stay where he was. With one last glance, Sam walked over to the delivery terminal where four containers were already patiently waiting on the cargo desks conveyor belt. Easily Sam picked up all of them and trudged back to Higgs only to shove them into his arms. “This, right here,” Sam gestured at the containers, “might just be your favourite thing in the whole world, and possibly the only thing you ever cared about, I trust you can behave now for a while, can you?” The look of offence on Higgs’ face was enough for Sam to know that he’d thought right. “Atta boy,” he stated, trying to keep the tease out of his tone when he patted Higgs’ arm and only then turned back to Lockne. “He’s as harmless as he gets right now, let’s get inside.”

Protectively hugging Lou to her leg Lockne eyed both him and Higgs warily but eventually nodded. Certainly, only agreeing with Sam’s words and not with the fact that he’d brought Higgs along.

The elevator brought them down into the depths of Bridges with no further ado. All the way to their rooms Lockne made sure to keep Lou close by her, just in case Higgs might do something that would endanger her. Although Sam was fairly sure he wouldn’t do anything that endangered the pizza he was carrying.

Ever since his first visit with Lou Lockne had polished up the room she had once prepared for herself after her child’s birth. It came with an adjoined smaller room perfectly equipped for someone as small as Lou. Right across from there was the extra room Sam had asked her about and Higgs would now be staying at. And if Lockne had had her way she surely would have had added bars to the door overnight.

Instead, Sam motioned her to follow him inside his room where once all the surplus gear had been loaded off they sat in partially wary but overall comfortable silence and ate. Once again Lockne used the opportunity to keep Lou at her side and through that as far away from Higgs as possible, carefully eyeing him up and down every now and then. When her eyes weren’t glued to Higgs they were forcefully focused on her pizza.

Lockne’s eyes were piercing Higgs who was too preoccupied with his pizza to bother with the fact that she wanted to grill him alive for even existing in the near vicinity of her goddaughter. “Why are you lookin’ at ‘im like that?” Lou mumbled in between bites looking first at Lockne then at Higgs.

“I’m just not very fond of Demens,” Lockne replied with a strained smile. “And this one, in particular, brings back a few bad memories.”

“Oh…” Lou paused for a moment, still chewing, as she thought about that. “This one’s nice though, he plays with me and reads me bedtime stories, an’ I got to sit on his shoulders on the way here,” her eyes lit up when she mentioned that and looked up at Lockne with a smile. Who returned it to her best efforts.

Looking back at Higgs she raised her brows. “Really…” Lockne seemed all but convinced, despite the effort she made for Lou.

**

There was a lot he had to answer for Sam knew, but he was glad that Lockne hadn’t immediately called Die-Hardman the moment she’d seen Higgs. She’d even had enough grace to wait till everyone was settled before she cornered him. She wasn’t fuming anymore, but her mouth showed clear displeasure when she crossed her arms and faced him. “That was clever, I’ll give you that.”

“You know it was also because Lou wanted you around,” Sam reminded her gently but firmly. Although making her sit with them through lunch had had more benefits than allowing Lou to spent time with her aunt.

Lockne sighed, pouring herself some of the whiskey she’d procured from somewhere in the depths of Mountain Knot. “Want some?” She offered, leaning back against her workbench. She’d retreated to her programming lair, which no doubt helped her think and work through whatever Higgs had dragged up from the depths of her psyche. “Figured it’d help the conversation,” she explained.

Sam took the other glass she poured with no objection, thinking she was probably right anyway. “I’m guessing they’re under surveillance for the time being.” But he remained standing aimlessly about.

“Yup,” Lockne said. And Sam hoped that Higgs wouldn’t get the idea to visit him this late at night. “So how exactly do you come by the most infamous terrorist in recent history?”

The alcohol burnt his throat, and for the first time in a long while a familiar thought returned to Sam. He should’ve left him to the timefall. “Lou doesn’t remember him…” He said instead of answering Lockne’s question.

“I doubt she would,” Lockne replied. “Bridge Babies are able to form memories, but so are all others at that age. The only thing that spurred yours was your connection to her,” her voice had softened somewhat. “I’m just not sure how much of a good thing it is that her gut feeling doesn’t tell her to run from him.”

“She also doesn’t run from BTs…”

“She’s a tough cookie,” Lockne agreed appreciatively of her goddaughter's bravery but mixed with exasperation. Her expression softening wholly for the first time since he’d seen her today. “She worries me, Sam…”

“I know…” Now it was his voice that softened.

“It was Higgs,” she halted when she spoke his name, “wasn’t it? When you called me back then, about the slow repatriation case… Christ.” All of Lockne, both her and Mama seemed to shrink with that knowledge, cursing herself for not being more persistent. “You should have told me.”

“I’m still questioning myself about why I didn’t.” Or why he hadn’t kicked Higgs out of his bed on any recent occasion, but that was a trouble for another day.

“He’s harmless,” the way she said it she sounded a lot like Mama, which was awfully pragmatic. “Judging by your report he should be without Dooms now–”

“No. Not entirely. His clairvoyance is still intact, he’s been… using it quite liberally.”

“Clairvoyance?”

“The first time I met him he could smell on me that Bridget was dead and Amelie was meant to be her successor…” Sam said evenly, allowing the words to settle before he continued. “But it’s practically useless unless he gets uncomfortably close according to his own account.”

Closing her eyes Lockne sighed quietly but deeply. “Cheers to that,” she replied dryly when she opened them and downed her drink.

“If you’re lucky he thinks you’re boring,” Sam remarked dry-witted.

She replied with a smirk. “You place an awful lot of faith in him, Sam.” The frown on her face spoke of concern as much as curiosity. He could tell by the way her eyes felt on him that all of her was concerned.

“He kind of stops being scary once you’ve seen him read children’s books to an excited five-year-old.”

Lockne visibly couldn’t help the smirk. Sam mirrored her grin, knowing just as well how ridiculous that image and even the mere suggestion were. Pouring herself another drink she lifted a warning finger. “That is not a viable way to measure how dangerous someone is,” she remarked sternly, even though the amusement hadn’t completely left her and it made her warning a little less serious than it should have been.

“He’s been with us for a couple of months and he’s been nothing short of a poster boy.”

“And you don’t think it’s all just pretence.”

“I think he doesn’t know what to do with himself and his current situation,” Sam admitted quietly and slowly. “There’s nothing he can do to continue what Amelie set him out to do, and so far, he hasn’t set out to nuke South Knot again.” 

“So, you think it’s better if he’s under our… your watch?”

“Something like that,” Sam agreed. He wasn’t sure if he liked Higgs to be under the watch of Bridges. Though it was about the only alternative if he didn’t want to keep him around. Lou was used to people coming and going so she likely would ask fewer questions if they left him here, but then again there was little to be gained from locking Higgs up in his current state. Unless someone dropped a nuke in his lap, but Sam doubted that was going to happen. “I think we should try to figure out what to do with him rather than lock him up, it’s not like he can do much of anything without Amelie’s powers.”

“And you’re sure of that?” Lockne inquired.

“Maybe we should keep him off the Corpse Disposal Team…” The look on her face told him that either Die-Hardman hadn’t made Higgs’ journal public domain or that she had simply not read it. So, he clarified. “His Dooms only start working when he’s near dead people when they turn and whatever Amelie left him with is going to vanish soon if he doesn’t get his hands on a corpse… then again… his clairvoyance.” 

Thoughtfully Lockne hummed, placing a finger on her lips. “Are you sure he didn’t just fuck with you? There’s no way we’ll know if he had a spy at Bridges back then… Besides Amelie could have told him.”

“No,” Sam replied, shaking his head determinedly. “He can definitely smell things he shouldn’t, whether it’s actual clairvoyance or not I don’t much care for, but that wasn’t fake.” The scar had proven it, and to keep his fingers from idly tracing it Sam hooked his fingers into the belt loops on his pants. Lockne didn’t know how he was sure, she just to believe him for now.

With a quiet sigh she bowed her head in acknowledgement. “Alright Sam, I believe you, but if he retained that, we have to leave room for the possibility that Amelie altered his Dooms entirely. We don’t know what it does to people to gain and lose them like that.”

Unfortunately, she was right about that. Amelie had given Higgs his power and taken it from him just the same. Or it had worn off again. Perhaps Dooms just couldn’t stick with him. He couldn’t say and without someone investigating nobody would be able to. There was a telling glint in Lockne’s eyes as if she had guessed his thoughts, and Sam could only think how much Die-Hardman would hate all of this. “Fine, he’s your research project if you help me.”

Satisfied Lockne smiled. “Sure, what do you need help with?”

“If I’m going to clear the tar belt, I’m taking Higgs with me and no buts.”

Lockne nodded, frowning a little. “He’s not going to let you. It’s one thing to shepherd him around the country or keep him in your shelter, but nobody in their right mind is going to want to see Higgs running around with a gun, Sam.”

“You’re going to help me convince him. I’m not going alone into that hellhole.” As a repatriate the prospect of dying in the process didn’t really concern him, what did concern him in that scenario was what Lockne proposed next.

As if she had read his mind she said, “we might not have to worry about you dying long-term, but if Higgs makes a run for it with the guns while you’re out then we have a problem.”

“And how many other repatriates are there capable enough to be of actual help if I take them with me?”

“You drive a hard bargain, Sam…”

“It’s the only way to be sure,” he replied nonchalantly.

“Sure about what?”

“Whether he’s still a giant bag of dicks or not, of course,” Sam grumbled. Suggesting to nuke the tar belt and actually doing it were two quite very different things and besides, maybe they wouldn’t get around using a contained voidout to deal with it. Which Sam was pretty sure was plan B if he wasn’t able to clear the area, regardless of whether Higgs would be with him or not.

Sam emptied his glass and set it aside. “You don’t have to like it,” he reminded her. “Just help me convince Die-Hardman. I’m stretching my leverage mighty thin here.” He hadn’t told her how he’d convinced Die-Hardman to leave him be, except in bits and pieces which had come out as off-handed remarks during conversations. Concerned Lockne watched him. “I’m gonna get some sleep, think it over,” he told her.

There was a familiarity in the empty corridors at night. Sam had always preferred the cities during the early morning hours. Mostly because there were so few people around and none of those that he could accidentally run into were demanding, they would acknowledge him with a little nod if at all and kept moving. It was a bit of a walk from Lockne’s lab to his room, and Sam took his time.

The door opened with a quiet swish, revealing dark but familiar surroundings as he made his way towards Lou’s room to check on her.

“Fast asleep,” Higgs piped up from his bed. Sam had briefly decided to ignore him when he’d recognised him sitting on his bed with crossed legs like he’d been waiting for him.

Sam grumbled something incomprehensible as he peered into Lou’s room. She was sprawled out on her bed, sleeping deeply. “I would prefer if you stayed in your room,” Sam continued to grumble and hoped the glare would reach Higgs through the dark when he turned away from her room again. Realising that it had less to do with Higgs actually staying than with the fact that Bridges would unquestionably be recording everything that went on in this room.

“Unfortunately, I can’t sleep,” with a dramatic sigh Higgs let himself fall onto his back with a quiet thud and stretched out his arms and legs.

“Which is my problem because?” Sam questioned with a sigh, unable to keep an amused smile from playing around the corners of his mouth and trying to force it away.

“Because I say so,” Higgs declared matter-of-factly, rolling over onto his side and making himself comfortable when Sam pushed him out of the way just enough to make room for himself.

“You’re impossible,” he grumbled and pushed till Higgs was dangerously close to the edge of the bed. Smirking quietly at him through the dark. The hood had slid off his head but Higgs didn’t bother to put it back on, perhaps because it was dark and Sam couldn’t properly see his face anyway. It was a bit larger than his own back at the shelter, but that hardly mattered when somebody as tall as Higgs was occupying the space next to him. “Dooms…?” Sam eventually found himself asking into the quiet once it had settled over them, his voice barely more than a whisper.

Higgs didn’t answer, but for him, that was enough of an answer. “Tomorrow we’ll talk to Die-Hardman,” Higgs grumbled in response. Sam shushed him by trailing a line from his ear to his jaw, feeling him tense under the touch, figuring it was decent repayment for the fact that Higgs always had to get too close for comfort, making him tense just the same all the time. Sam noted how he was relaxing again when he trailed it over the equation on his forehead. It was starting to become familiar, Sam allowed the thought so sink in and decided to settle for sleep. Turning his back towards Higgs he hoped to discourage him from staying but instead he felt the familiar weight of his head against his shoulder and with a lot more confidence than he should have had Higgs snaked an arm around his waist. Causing his muscles to tense for a moment, but nothing more happened than that Higgs trailed a thumb over the edge of his scar through his shirt Sam relaxed with a sigh that sounded half exasperated. “Impossible,” he reiterated quietly, not doing anything about the arm around his waist. Bridges could hear, but Bridges didn’t see and in a strange way the gesture felt almost protective. Causing something to flutter inside of him.

Sighing Sam closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep. Except for his arm and his face leaning against him Higgs was keeping to himself as if he knew that any more would be too much, but then again, he probably did with that nose of his.

Through the first confusion of waking up and finding Lou in his arms, Sam remembered something foggy about her crawling into his bed and mumbling something about being unable to sleep. She had squeezed herself between him and the wall and despite her own words quickly fallen asleep again. Now she didn’t stir even when he retrieved his arm from somewhere in between her and Higgs, realising that Lou had been holding onto both of them in her sleep. Behind him Higgs made a quiet discontent sound, shifting closer in his sleep.

Staring at the wall in front of him Sam quietly hoped that nobody would decide to visit him anytime soon. There was no way in hell he could reasonably explain Higgs’ presence in his bed, when recordings would make all of his excuses feeble at best. While his thoughts had lingered on that his fingers had started trailing the equation on Higgs’ arm. The numbers and letters were familiar on their own but Sam wouldn’t be able to make heads or tails out of it for the life of him.

The thought that he would have to get up before anyone found them like this was circling its sluggish rounds inside his brain and was generally not being very convincing when Lou was sleeping by his side and Higgs was proving to be a warm and comfortable shield from the of the world.

“There’s no breakfast call or some shit like that,” Higgs mumbled in his usual manner of questioning statements, his voice rough from weariness.

“The only place anybody’s safe in these wall’s the shower,” Sam mumbled back, to which Higgs responded by grumbling and pressing his face into the back of Sam’s shoulder. Instinct still told him to tense, but instead of listening to it Sam decidedly made himself more comfortable.

“Hrmm… shower’s nice,” Higgs agreed, sounding all but concerned about Sam’s revelation.

It took another while for Sam to be convince himself to leave the warmth of his bed. Lou was still asleep by then and thwarted any further attempts of Higgs following him, when she immediately, seeking the warmth she had lost, and sleepily crawled into his arms and dozed off again. Mildly amused with Higgs’ new predicament Sam smirked and sought out the shower. Higgs hadn’t moved an inch when he returned, hadn’t even stirred and from the looks of it didn’t quite know what to do about the sleepy child that wanted to be hugged. It made for an awfully adorable picture.

“C’mon,” Sam nudged the small of his back with his foot, but Higgs remained perfectly still. “I’d leave you two here, but you’ve probably already given Lockne one mild heart-attack by disappearing from your room in the middle of the night.” When Higgs still didn’t move he added, “she’ll be fine.” Still Higgs looked more than wary of that fact when he carefully removed himself from Lou’s death-cuddle-grip and stepped away, while Sam gently tucked her under his blanket which she immediately held onto.

The journey must’ve been more tiring for her than she had wanted to admit to them, he thought with a small smile as he brushed a few strands of hair out of her face. From the sound of it, Higgs had made his way to the shower so Sam didn’t bother checking on him with more than a short side-glance. Crouching by Lou’s side Sam tried to ignore the thought prodding from the back of his mind and urging him to decide whether or not he wanted this situation with Higgs to continue. It would be better to get his story straight before anyone started asking questions, but instead, he focused on his sleeping daughter because that was just so much easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lockne protec, lockne attac, but most importantly she deliver snack


	7. About That One Dumb Almost Voidout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise u i didn't forget about this fic i just fell off the wagon for a bit but I'm back  
> the sole reason I started writing this was to look busy at work when i had no work  
> there is no deeper meaning to all of this, just my own personal entertainment

**HIGGS**

“I would appreciate it, if he didn’t,” Lockne told Sam, making Higgs feel like a child with the adults were making decisions over his head.

“Tough luck,” Higgs mumbled to himself, but from the glance she shot him Lockne had heard that.

“Anyway, that’s not why you’re here,” she said, playfully flicking the cufflink she was holding. “There’s something I would like to test before I call Die-Hardman.” Her glance hovered over him warily.

Lockne had called them into her office, which held all sort of scientific curiosities and a giant stack of notebooks on her desk beside a giant pile of paperwork. With a flick of her wrist, a screen appeared on her cufflinks and she pushed a few buttons before it disappeared again. She wasn’t a short woman – and something about her looked so awfully familiar but Higgs couldn’t put his finger on it, something about that blue eye of hers and how her hair seemed to fall differently on that side of her face – but compared to him most people looked short and now she was visibly trying to make herself appear taller as she walked towards him with straight shoulders, her head high and sure steps. Higgs watched her curiously, but not without caution as Lockne planted herself in front of him.

He could smell the tension and unease that she tried to hide without even trying but ultimately overpowered by scientific curiosity. “I want your blood,” she stated matter-of-factly. Her eyes sizing him like a lab experiment, trying to hide the weariness beneath it. “A small sample that is, I’ve devised a test that can quickly determine whether or not we can use someone’s blood for haematic weapons,” she explained, already loosening the cuff on her wrist. She kept it in her hand like she was expecting him to say yes no matter what. “You’ve got Dooms and you’re a repatriate, you’re basically genetically predestined to give a positive match, for all that we know, so this is just to have it in black and white,” Lockne held up her cufflinks. She glanced at Sam as if to make sure of something.

Higgs scrunched up his nose at that. “I’m perfectly capable of making that decision myself,” he pointed out for the two of them. Cause that seemed to be all that that was about.

Lockne sighed. “Well then, would you let me?” She wriggled the wrist that was still attached to the remaining cuff.

“Sure,” Higgs shrugged and watched amused when Lockne decidedly grabbed his arm before he could change his mind and pressed the open cuff against his skin. The metal was still warm from her touch and he couldn’t feel anything till she removed it. If it weren’t for the way it lit up red and made a small affirmative beep Higgs might have suspected nothing at all had happened. Curiously he examined his wrist, smoothing his thumb over the skin where her cufflink had touched him but he couldn’t even detect where and how she had taken the blood. Approving of the convenient technology Higgs hummed before he returned his attention to her and her now puzzled face.

Suddenly uncertain Higgs found himself glancing at Sam who must’ve had the same thought because he asked, “what is it?” Which was the same question that lay on Higgs’ tongue.

“Odd…” Lockne replied, still pushing buttons on her tiny display, till her eyes found him again and Higgs returned her quizzical stare. “You should have every marker of a compatible candidate but you’re… not a match… let me take another sample, I’ll analyse it in my lab, it’s probably just an error in the code,” she continued, brushing sudden worries off with the firm certainty of a programmer who knew the fault lines of their own creation too well. “We’ll… tell Die-Hardman something…” She pulled a face.

“We’ll tell him it’s just not a good idea right now,” Sam ventured, trying to reassure her.

Higgs watched them, still running his thumb over the pricked patch of skin, feeling better for it even if it hadn’t hurt and he couldn't feel where the needle had entered. He felt oddly out of place when Lockne moved towards a wall near her desk which opened a cavity that revealed an otherwise hidden terminal. But he didn’t move from where he’d been leaning against her desk till Sam motioned him to follow with a sweep of his arm along his elbow but barely brushing his skin. Something he must’ve done countless times trying to lead Lou along.

Higgs followed although he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to. At least nobody had forced him to part with his cloak, if not like this they wouldn’t get him to participate at all. Which Lockne had already remarked was making things awfully easy for them if it came down to it, but unfortunately, everyone around him had agreed that he had to participate in the briefing so now he was hovering over Sam’s shoulder, waiting for the hologram to appear.

He couldn’t stifle a laugh when Die-Hardman managed to get out about half a word before cursing unexpectedly at the sight of him. “Long time no see,” Higgs grinned at the unmasked hologram. Taking a long moment to study the face which had become familiar to him in a different way, yet he could easily recognise the lines the mask had left after years of being attached to his face as well a familiarity in the parts of his face that he had been able to glimpse at while it had been masked.

Yet the playful demeanour quickly vanished when something inside him pulled uncomfortably at his insides and made him narrow his eyes. A moment long he couldn’t tell what exactly had caught his attention before realising it wasn’t the hologram but Sam who was standing close enough for him catch a glimpse of something undetermined and yet somehow familiar. Briefly mulling over that with a frown Higgs pushed the thought aside, deciding to deal with it later when he didn’t have to convince the President to look past his attempts to bring about the end of the world and kill off his best porter.

“What is _he_ doing here?” Questioned Die-Hardman sharply, while Higgs watched, feeling an awful lot less concerned about his own situation than perhaps he should have been.

“He’s part of the deal,” Sam replied before Higgs could even open his mouth. “You want me to clear the tar belt, I’m not doing it alone.” Somehow the way he said it made him sound adorably stubborn. The corners of Higgs’ mouth twitched.

Quick glances were exchanged and Die-Hardman sighed when Lockne nodded likewise. “I can’t believe you’re supporting this madness.”

“He’s the only other repatriate with Dooms that can hold his own,” she pointed out carefully but decidedly. “And Sam will need all the help he can get, from a technical standpoint it’s an advantage for everyone involved.”

“From a practical standpoint, he tried to nuke South Knot,” Die-Hardman pointed out coldly.

“From a practical standpoint,” Higgs mimicked him dryly, “I succeeded once.” He met Die-Hardman’s stare of quiet fury in the most nonchalant manner, rubbing salt in the wound when he leisurely leaned his arm onto Sam’s shoulder. “Besides I’m probably the only one around who can build nukes big enough to get rid of all the tar.”

“We’re not going to nuke the tar belt,” came the exasperated reply and even Lockne made a small indignant sound.

“So people keep telling me…” Higgs mumbled to himself, sighing. “Suit yourself, but there isn’t a rocket launcher big enough to take out all those catchers at once.” Even a whole backpack wouldn’t be enough. Hell, not even a truckload full.

Die-Hardman ignored that, insisting that they would try anyway to which Higgs only responded with a shrug and decided to leave the talking to Sam and Lockne. There wasn’t anything Die-Hardman would be able to do about his presence if he wanted Sam to clear the tar belt, that much had been made clear so they could argue all day long about whether or not they liked it. It was Sam who had to live with his decision and work with him, but that made it a matter between the both of them and Bridges wouldn't get a say.

There was little to be said once Die-Hardman had outlined the parameters of their expedition to the tar belt. They were going to get there and clear it and come back. The way he’d said it he’d made it sound like his faith in Sam exceeded any possibility of failure. Which was so much more likely considering their task, Higgs thought. Hell, success was the least likely outcome, no matter how he looked at it.

Before he ended the call, Higgs found Die-Hardman’s gaze lingering on him and it seemed like he wanted to say something but then reconsidered and bid them goodbye. The string tugging at his guts returned with his absence and it made him shift his weight off of Sam, realising that he’d been practically glued to his side with his arm on Sam’s shoulder for the entirety of their conversation.

“That’s an awful lot of faith,” he remarked dryly, turning to look at Sam half curious, half questioning. “In both of us and the tar belt,” he clarified and even Lockne seemed to agree with that.

“You thought the extinction would take care of it didn’t you?” She stated as it was dawning on her.

Higgs only shrugged. “I couldn’t care less about it,” he admitted.

“But you created it?” Sam inquired.

Rolling his eyes Higgs pulled at the sleeves of his hoodie, which he had previously pushed up to his elbows. It was awfully comfortable just like any other Bridges clothing, which meant that they were never ever going to get it back. Never. “I created it, alright,” he replied matter-of-factly. “But I can think of plenty better ways to keep you out of Edge Knot.” His gaze fell pointedly on Sam with an air of haughtiness. The truth was that a bunch of anxious Demens had been up his ass about Sam reaching the city and that he’d wanted them to shut up so he’d done the first thing which had come to mind. Which was stretching out the already existing tar belt. They’d been quiet after that. Finally at peace, cut off from the rest of the world like they had always wanted to be.

Or course, Sam had eventually made it to Edge Knot City anyway which had come to a surprise to everyone but Higgs who had been fairly sure at this point that the only way to keep Sam from the place was to have him die trying. Which would only stall him further at best, being a repatriate and all…

“Right…” Lockne focused on him. “We’ll have to get you suited up and find a pair of spare cufflinks for you.”

“My clothes are just fine, thank you.” Higgs folded his arms in front of his chest.

For a moment Lockne seemed to consider whether she wanted to press the matter but eventually just shrugged. “Suit yourself,” she said and met Sam’s malcontent stare. “You’re doing a Bridges task, you’re going to wear cufflinks, simple as that.”

The way Sam glared made Higgs eye the cufflinks with newfound wariness. They’d never struck him as particularly interesting aside from the fact that they were a direct and easy link to their network. Which had its perks but was overall something Higgs hadn’t been interested in and wasn’t going to be interested in he decided now. “I don’t think I like those either,” he decided.

“I’m sorry but there’s no way around it, especially for you…” Heaving a deep sigh from her chest Lockne wrung her hands. There was something she wanted to say but couldn’t, yet, and unfairly so, Sam seemed to understand immediately. Smiling she nodded at him. “So,” she eventually said. “I've got work to do and you should prepare for your trip…”

**

It had gone without saying that Lockne would look after Lou during their absence, Sam had told him later. She wasn’t taking the news of her father going into the heart of BT territory so well, as he watched Sam explain the situation to her from over the edge of his book. It was a well-read paperback which he’d taken with him from Sam’s shelter but hadn’t really found the energy to read while they had been outside.

Higgs had curled up between wall and dresser, it wasn’t the most comfortable space but something about being squeezed into the small space made him feel better about what was to come and what was currently happening as well. He’d wanted to read, but he couldn’t keep his thoughts from wandering, so eventually, he found himself peering over the edge of the pages at Sam and Lou. She had been sulking since he’d broken the news to her that both of them would be leaving in a few days. Not forever of course, but even though she was so small she already seemed to have a good grasp on how dangerous their task was. (Maybe that was why Sam wanted him to come along so he could easily dispose of him, said the voice in the back of his head. Higgs pushed the thought aside and focused on Sam). He tried to remember being five, but the memory was more than foggy so Higgs gave up with a disdainful look and buried his nose in the book again.

Lockne, as Sam had assured him, though he hadn’t asked, would be more than happy to take care of her goddaughter.

Higgs had only hummed to let him know that he’d listened. There hadn’t been anything worth saying.

**

The biggest issue Higgs realised, wasn’t that Bridges wasn’t prepared to bring all the rocket launchers in the world, but actually bringing them to the tar belt. Furthermore, getting them inside the tar belt. Mainly because there was a huge fucking mountain in the way. Well, mountains but that wasn’t exactly what concerned Higgs.

He wasn’t looking forward to marching through the cold. Looking at the damn snow was enough to send an uncomfortable shiver through his body, despite the heat packs which were already comfortably resting beneath his clothes only waiting to be turned on.

Lou startled him from his thoughts when she wrapped her tiny arms around him. Higgs peered down at her. “You come back too!” She insisted, obviously trying to put on a brave face and trying not to cry over the departure.

Awkwardly Higgs lowered his palm onto her head and mussed up her hair. “I don’t die easily…” he replied, not quite sure what to do with her and wanting to get out of the situation. – Quickly. Imploringly he glanced at Sam, who watched his discomfort with mild amusement. It was one thing to play with her, another to have her behaving so attached when that really was the last thing Higgs wanted her to be.

“You come back anyway,” she huffed and glared at him. “You’re the only one I can play with ‘xcept dad.”

She really didn’t remember him, Higgs thought as he continued to awkwardly pat her head till Sam was kind enough to convince her to let go and stay with Lockne, who had come along to walk with them to the entrance of the city. It wasn’t the first time the thought had occurred to him, but it had never quite hit home like this. Lockne held Lou’s hand all the way up the ramp and to the edge of the building, where another hugging session was due which Higgs endured for the sake of the small child glued to him and because Sam wouldn’t let him get away. He really didn’t feel it was necessary, but Lou obviously begged to differ while she hugged him under Lockne’s stern gaze.

From there on out they were thankfully on their own, Higgs realised with a sigh. He’d found Lou much less bothersome before the hugs. Yet it hadn’t bothered him when he had carried her on their way to Mountain Knot, mulling over that fact Higgs trudged behind Sam, deciding that since he couldn’t come to a satisfying conclusion he wouldn’t bother with it for now. Lou wouldn’t be around for quite another while so it certainly wasn’t a pressing matter either.

He did decide to stick to the topic of her, however, when he closed the small gap between them. “She really doesn’t know who I am,” he stated, narrowing his eyes a little as he focused them on Sam.

“Lockne said that’s normal,” Sam replied, keeping his focus on the road ahead. “Guess you got lucky…” He grumbled.

Higgs thought about that for a moment, realising he knew precious little about babies and memories and such stuff, but also deciding that Lockne was as good as any authority on the subject. In the short time he’d been around her she had certainly established herself as a credible source of information about children and their care. Deciding that that was good enough for him he added dryly, “I shot her,” her pod anyway, “you didn’t think she ought to know that.”

“I did.”

“So she just likes me for the hell of it.”

“You haven’t exactly done a tremendous job at scaring her.”

Higgs grumbled something incomprehensible and glared at the snow. Wishing he had at least his Demens mask to shield his face from the oncoming cold. “You sure you know the way?” They had reached the snow-covered part of the mountain too quickly and too easily for his liking, but instead of complaining loudly Higgs switched on the heating pads and tried not to visibly show his discontentment.

“Like the back of my hand.”

“Oh… _great_ ,” Higgs mumbled, following him into the cold. Soon enough they would be knee-deep in snow and he would hate everything.

“The worst about the stretch to Heartman is the steep slopes, but we shouldn’t see any BTs till we’re past his lab.”

Higgs thought about that for a moment. They had only skirted a couple of BT territories on their way to Mountain Knot, likely for the benefit of Lou, but now in retrospect, he was also beginning to appreciate it. “You can sense them,” that much he remembered, “how... well…?” He posed the question carefully.

“Well enough,” Sam replied and for a while that ended their conversation as they continued their ascend. “How well can you?”

Glad for the lack of weight on his back, but unhappy about the steep climb Higgs had focused his stare intently on Sam’s bac. “Don’t fucking know.” It was probably the most honest thing he’d told anyone in a while, but there was no telling what and if he were to sense anything at all.

Sure-footed Sam led him up and down and up a mountainside again till they reached a building he was more familiar with from afar than up close, granted that Heartman had been of very little interest to him. But now as they passed it he watched it a little more curiously. Unfortunately, the heating pads were only a small source of warmth against the icy cold.

“When was the last time you trekked a stretch like this,” Sam teased. He seemed to smell his discomfort.

“I just hate snow,” Higgs replied, which thankfully shut Sam up again. Snow and the cold and everything about being in the mountains. Also climbing in this weather wore his arm out more easily. If Sam’s goal had been to have him motivated about their task by infuriating him through the cold he was, unfortunately, Higgs had to admit, succeeding. “When I worked with Fragile…” Higgs eventually muttered, hoping his words would be lost in the gust that blew.

He hadn’t met her till he’d made his way past the mountains. Back then he had made all sorts of stupid long runs, that he wouldn’t subscribe himself to anymore. But once they had teamed up Fragile had been kind enough to teleport him over the mountains more than often, it had been one of the first times he’d seen the Beach. It had become something tangible for him then.

Sam had indirectly promised him they would make it through the mountains in no time, but the further they went and the more snow he was seeing the more Higgs was beginning to doubt that. Or maybe that was because the cold was slowly creeping under his clothes despite all his attempts to keep warm. Occupied with his cold hands and feet and face he almost bumped into Sam who had stopped. And though he wasn’t able to sense much experience told Higgs that they were standing at the edge of BT territory. “Can we just go home.”

“Didn’t you want to nuke the belt?” Sam sighed, exasperated.

“Changed my mind.” There was nothing about this right now that he didn’t hate. Slowly the corners of his mouth sank as he heard a low rumbling growl that told them BTs awaited them shortly. “I can hear them…” It wasn’t much but it was enough to approximately pinpoint their location so he wouldn’t run into them.

“Good enough,” Sam decided. And Higgs knew that their luck right now hinged less on that and more on whether or not they could hold their breath long enough. Without a Bridge Baby, neither of them would be able to tell where exactly the BTs were.

He’d once, while they had been still at Mountain Knot, implied the suggestion that they might kill the catchers in their way to make progress even easier to which Sam had simply replied by glaring at him and making it more than clear that if he had to wipe off so much as a drop of tar from his face before they reached the belt he would personally make Bridges regret ever suggesting the endeavour to him. Amused Higgs had dropped the suggestion afterwards, although he was beginning to regret it. He’d never liked crossing BT territory in the mountains and right now he was starting to remember why.

Ears pricked to pick up the nearest growl he followed Sam cautiously, wondering how he could be so sure of where they were going when his Dooms were a meagre level two and his own even worse.

“If this isn’t the quickest way to the tar belt, I’m strangling you,” he grumbled into the quiet.

“Didn’t you use to trek all the way to Middle Knot,” Sam replied just as quietly and cursing under his breath as he swiftly moved aside.

Unconcerned by that Higgs followed his footpath, twice as happy about not carrying any excess cargo now that they were crouching and retorted, “doesn’t mean I like BTs on top of a fuckin’ mountain!” Especially when he couldn’t see them. The only thing Lockne had insisted on was a supply of blood bags, an assault rifle of his design, a water bottle that Higgs had refused to fill with that vile energy drink Sam so loved and a reasonable supply of cryptobiotes.

Sam did a bad job at suppressing his amusement and Higgs considered hitting him for a brief moment. His routes had circumvented BT territory in the mountains, not only for his own sanity but also because it was safer. His Dooms had been more than fickle then and they were so now again, and Higgs had never liked the thought of being stuck in a snowstorm when they went out. So, it was a little comforting to have Sam with him because he still didn’t like that thought.

“Fuck this,” Sam muttered.

Higgs groaned quietly. “You don’t get to complain, your Dooms _work_.”

“I’ll complain all I want and Bridges can suck it,” Sam replied in a mumble. Clearly unconcerned with Higgs’ opinion.

“Bridges should not be your number one concern right now.”

“I’m starting to believe you want that position more than the BTs…”

Grabbing a handful of snow Higgs threw it at Sam, too distracted to notice how close the growl really was only to be pulled out of the way by Sam. “Why the fuck did you have to do that?!”

“Because you’re a dumbass,” Higgs replied with a poorly suppressed laugh, with no idea where it was coming from.

“Stay the fuck quiet!” Sam hissed.

“I’m… trying…” Higgs snorted, pressing his lips together. Somehow the ridiculousness of the situation outweighed how he’d almost caused the start of a voidout just now and how his heart was beating in his throat like it hadn’t in a long while.

They scurried towards the edge of the BT territory as quietly as possible where Sam gave the silent okay to leave the crouching position and Higgs happily followed suit and stretched his shoulders.

“What the fuck was so funny?” Sam quietly barked at him, visibly annoyed.

“It just hit me how fuckin’ ridiculous the whole situation is…” His mouth split into a grin, more genuine than most in their immediate past. “You… me… surrounded by BTs…” He glanced over his shoulder and flipped them off with a careless gesture. Higgs sighed. “I always knew you were a madman… this just proves it.” He snickered again. Sam would have probably made a better Demens than most who had joined him. Too bad his goal had been counterproductive to theirs… “Actually… I don’t get why you didn’t join us,” Higgs admitted closing the small distance Sam had created between them when he’d kept walking while Higgs had remained on the edge of the BT territory.

“I don’t agree with the whole voidout thing,” Sam answered dryly. “Thought that was pretty obvious.”

“But you want to be left the fuck alone and that’s pretty much the only reason your current problem exists,” Higgs pointed out almost exasperated.

“ _Our_ current problem,” Sam corrected him with a frown.

“No, _my_ problem is the cold, I can handle the damn tar belt.”

Sam made a gruff sound and focused on getting forward. “What d’you mean by what you told Lockne... I thought you created it to keep me out of Edge Knot?”

Higgs sighed, once again exasperated and obviously frustrated. “If I had wanted to truly keep you away from Edge Knot city, you would have never made it there, the tar belt wasn’t meant to keep you out – it was meant to keep the Demens quiet…” They had been the only people who hadn’t wanted Sam to eventually show up in the city.

Sam smirked. “And that’s the best you could come up with?”

“They were very convinced it would keep you away and blissfully quiet,” Higgs replied with a sigh. “It was always a means to an end.”

Sam hummed and they left the conversation at that as they moved on through the snow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this a dumb idea? yeah totally, but mama didn't raise a quitter and the bois are doing it bc boy am i having fun with this  
> i have never winged anything so hard as distances in death stranding, how long does it take to get anywhere? fuck if I know, but we're getting there


	8. Higgs And Sam Build a Bomb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> energy bar for posting low, recovery slow, am determined anyway and this fanfic _will_ live  
> also I decided to just not deal with actually getting them to the tar belt, they're just... there

**HIGGS**

He remembered how strenuous it had been pulling the tar up from the depths of the earth with the catchers in tow. One after another might have been the better way to do it, than everything at once, Higgs thought, but hindsight was always easier than foresight.

Thoughtlessly he stared across the belt. It looked the way he’d imagined oceans before he’d seen one for the first time. Only darker and more menacing, and yet there was a strange feeling of familiarity.

Once they had made it out of the mountains his mood had bettered significantly, but that didn’t make him any less tired when they reached the belt. The sun had started setting about an hour ago, casting its warm light across everything. Sam had been humming every now and then since they had left the mountains. A short repetitive melody that sounded like a lullaby.

“You’ve been humming.” Higgs pointed out when he started again as he happily followed Sam towards the shelter which had been built immediately off the coast.

By the way Sam looked at him he seemingly hadn’t even noticed. “My father used to sing it to me…” He replied as the elevator took them down into the safe house. And while the shower was appreciated Higgs was even more glad about the immediate shift in temperature, letting out a sigh of contentment as the warmth was slowly seeping back into him. He’d been cold ever since they had been in the mountains.

They warmed up and showered and squeezed themselves into the one available bed, Bridges be damned. Neither of them wanted to sleep on the floor after such a long trip.

“Goddammit, why are you so cold?” Sam hissed when he accidentally got too close. “You’re a living frost bite.”

Higgs attempted a shrug. He’d always been prone to the cold, ever since he’d been a child. In lack of a blanket he pulled the cloak tighter around himself and if it hadn’t been for Sam at his side he would have curled into a ball now to keep as much warmth as possible to himself.

They weren’t exactly used to sleeping next to each other. Just sort of. And hugging definitely wasn’t something they were completely comfortable with. Anything that came close to resembling a hug would always be a tentative measure. Closing his eyes Higgs leaned his head forward till it rested against Sam’s shoulder. Waiting for the lights in the shelter to go out. Relaxing somewhat when it was finally dark around them and Sam was humming again quietly. There were probably words to the melody, but Higgs wasn’t sure if he was able to convince Sam of actually singing for him. Instead, he wrapped an arm around his waist and hooked his leg around Sam’s to keep his source of warmth close. Idly running his thumb in small circles over the back of Sam's arm when he felt him tense against the touch.

“’m not gonna eat ya, y’know,” Higgs mumbled, tired as he was.

Sam snorted. “I’m not quite used to you, yet.”

“I forgot, Mr Aphenphosmphobia,” Higgs sighed, smirking and made himself comfortable. This time, Sam remained calm.

**SAM**

The issue wasn’t getting inside the tar belt, the issue was getting anything beside them inside of it. It was too big to risk losing the cargo they wanted to carry into its midst, but there was also no guarantee of being able to keep it, considering the discrepancy between the amount they could hold onto despite the BTs and the amount they actually needed. The longer Sam stared across the black sludge the more Higgs’ initial idea was starting to appeal to him.

“Our options at this point are repatriation or a nuke,” Higgs pointed out. He was standing next to him and looking rather bored with everything that was not happening.

“Hrmm,” Sam grumbled. He didn’t like either of those options, but it was really starting to look like there was no other choice. He made another drawn-out unhappy sound.

“Well, we could just keep letting the catchers eat us, hoping we can cause more voidouts quicker than they are able to fill the gaps... although I doubt it’s a viable solution,” Higgs explained himself even though Sam hadn’t asked him to.

“It could buy us some space and time…” Sam admitted. Thinking that they would have to work their way inside out and voidouts generally did more damage to humans than BTs. If it weren’t for that he might have just considered it. Higgs was unfortunately right in his judgement. “How sure are you about that nuke…”

“Surer than any of our other options,” Higgs replied, the corners of his mouth quirking up. “I can build a bomb in a couple hours, though I’m not sure how much of the tar belt it would destroy… I’ve never had to cover an area this big…”

“And it would have to contain my blood,” Sam added.

Higgs sucked in a sharp breath. “Yeah, that too…” He mumbled.

“That’s not gonna be a problem, is it?”

“Tsk, I’ll figure it out,” Higgs replied decidedly, leaning one of his arms onto Sam's shoulder. Which made Sam shoot a glare in his direction, only to be met with feigned ignorance. “You might… wanna try going in there anyway…”

Shoving him aside with his elbow Sam dared to hazard a question. “Why?” He had a feeling Higgs wasn’t telling him everything.

“The less tar we have to nuke away the better,” he replied nonchalantly and wandered off to the terminal to print his needed materials.

Unfortunately, Sam thought, Higgs had a point. “Do I _have_ to go in there?”

“I really don’t care…” Higgs sighed. “But we should test the nuke with a catcher around, I don’t know how well it’s going to work otherwise.” He spoke without looking up from the stack of weapons and gear he was amassing around himself.

Trying to get comfortable with having to be dragged through tar eventually Sam stared at the materials that Higgs meant to somehow transform into a bomb. He couldn't see it. “Do you need help?” He asked although Sam could hardly imagine being of any help in this situation

Higgs paused for a moment, scanning the print-outs and pointed to a stack of weapons. “Get rid of the casing, I don’t need it.”

Sam sat with him at the shore and started methodically and with skilled hands to remove the plastic casing around the weapons. Pausing only when he got to the rocket launcher. “Are you trying to build a remote-controlled nuke…?” He realised, pondering that for a moment.

With a shrug Higgs replied, “I’ll try… it has to have the timer though, just this once we can’t risk it not going off.”

A sensible solution. Sam agreed with a nod, realising that as long as it would be done, he didn’t really care how. But if it spared him being covered in tar at the end of it he was all the more for it. Even if it meant building a bomb with Higgs.

As much as he disliked Higgs for what he’d done to Fragile back then there was something fascinating about watching him work and build something unimaginably dangerous with the same diligence one might account to a carpenter building a table. He was using the container of an advanced power skeleton as a case for his bomb in which he for now only collected the parts he took out of the weapons and equipment, while Sam could do no more than watch.

A small voice in the back of his mind was nagging him that he should feel worse about condoning Higgs’ creativity like that, but a slightly louder voice was reminding him of Higgs' words before they had set out to Mountain Knot. That it would make Bridges think again about asking him for help. Maybe not forever but certainly in the near future. Somehow the thought amused him. “They will be able to see this, won’t they?”

“ _Oooh_ yeah,” Higgs laughed, sounding quite happy about it. “This will be bigger and badder than anythin’ I’ve ever built.” He grinned with a cable in his mouth. He’d printed a PCC and programmed it to create a generator only to disassemble it the moment it stood, using his knife as a screwdriver and to pry open the casing where there were no screws in the first place.

Somehow Sam was sure that the thought of something so destructive in Higgs' hands should worry him more, but he only felt mildly concerned about him being able to build these ticking monsters in the future. It certainly wasn’t wise to let Higgs have this knowledge, but if it helped him right now Sam wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Once or twice Higgs had asked him to watch his stuff, while he went and printed another couple PCCs to create more things he could then disassemble, though there wasn’t anyone else around to steal it, keeping watch seemed to be a most important task judging by the look on Higgs' face.

At last he returned with a small container quite familiar in shape and size to Sam and as he could see filled to the brim with chiral crystals. He wanted to ask what they were for but decided to just watch when Higgs dug his bare hands into them to fashion a number of small tools and parts from them. “Huh… Amelie’s powers must’ve left a bigger mark than we thought.”

Almost startled Higgs looked at the chiralium in his hands. “Oh erm… that’s _mine_ , not hers…” He stared at his hands for a little longer as if for the first time he was really considering his actions. As if only now realising what exactly he was doing. It was almost ridiculous.

Sam snorted, mildly amused with his reaction. “Don’t tell me, it never occurred to you that that’s strange,” he grinned. “You have Dooms,” he pointed out when Higgs looked at him a little sceptical.

“That is debatable…”

“How very convenient for you.”

He watched as Higgs used the chiralium to weld two parts together with ease. Under his fingers it behaved like wax, allowing him to mould it with ease into whatever shape he preferred. But unlike wax, it immediately became solid again when he needed it to it appeared. Sam watched with mild fascination, finding it oddly soothing. Wondering how exactly it worked on a technical level, but having a feeling that Higgs didn’t even know himself. “I’m surprised you can make a bomb out of this.”

“You can make a bomb out of almost anything if you know how,” Higgs mumbled in reply without lifting his attention from the wires and parts he was welding into place with the help of the chiralium. He was crouched over the box and from the way it looked was attempting to crawl into it as if that helped his progress. That surely wasn’t going to help, but Higgs didn’t seem to be bothered by it.

The last thing he added before he shut the container was the blood bags Sam had been carrying up until now. Sam watched him string them up to his contraption with just as much focus as everything before. Only when the container finally snapped shut and gave a muffled beep to indicate the timer had started Sam felt a queasy flutter in his stomach. “And that’s going to work?” he asked, to distract himself from the uncomfortable memories Higgs had just brought back.

Higgs shrugged and lifted the container with more careless ease than Sam thought anyone should handle a bomb with. No matter the size and whether or not it had a timer. “Maybe, maybe not… the bang is likely bigger than the damage ‘cause there’s only a limited blood supply and I couldn't use all the chiralium 'cause I don't know if I'll have to make another... gotta have some backup.”

It was probably as good as things were going to get, Sam figured, staring first at the cargo container in Higgs’ arms, which had been filled to the brim with his blood, bomb materials and chiralium, and then slowly tore his eyes away towards the tar belt. There was only one way to raise a catcher, not counting how Higgs had done it the first time they’d met, and he wasn’t looking forward to it but Higgs had been right when he’d suggested trying it out with the catchers out in the open.

Higgs followed him without question along the shoreline, and only when the first raindrops fell his steps slowed considerably. “We have to let them catch us,” Sam said stating the obvious, he turned to face Higgs and gently patted the bomb he was holding. “Hold on tight and pray to your God that it’s shock resistant.” Instinctively Higgs’ arm wound tighter around the box. “They’re more likely to drag you on your back so this should be fine as long as you can hold on.” Higgs' reply was a nod, but that was good enough for Sam. He wanted to turn away again but thought better of it and grabbed the strand from his belt.

Whether it was instinct or deliberately but Higgs stepped back when Sam reached toward him, it was only then that it occurred to him that he might have to explain himself. “We have to get out at the same end,” Sam said, watching Higgs reaction closely. This time he didn’t move away when Sam tied the strand to their belts. Figuring that he should probably hold onto Higgs as well, but deciding that he would deal with it when it happened to become necessary. This had already gone into a stranger direction than he’d wanted it to when they had left Mountain Knot.

**

The tar was cold and everywhere and Sam couldn’t remember how he’d thought any of this a good idea when it seemed like half a dozen catchers were on their tail. “Why the fuck am I even listening to him,” Sam grumbled out of breath. Thankful that the tar didn’t care which direction they went and kept providing a footpath anyway. Occasionally he felt the tug of the strand on his waist when the distance between them threatened to become too large. But he was too occupied with running to focus on anything other than getting forward. Of course, they could stop and use the bomb right then and there, but even if they somehow managed to escape repatriation, it would leave them stranded in the middle of the tar belt.

Everything from the moment he’d felt the all too familiar death grip of the BTs dragging him down into the tar and to the centre where the catchers waited had become an out of breath blur. The full of extent of his exhaustion hadn’t yet sunken in, but they weren't far from the shore. It was time to put their theory to the test.

“Eat shit, sucker!” Higgs yelled at the lion which roared menacingly at them. Chucking the bomb right into its maw. He looked very much like the way Sam felt. Which was dirty and furious and done with the world. Higgs fumbled the detonator from his pocket, pressed the button, cursing he chucked it after bomb and BT into the tar. They scrambled to the shore with the catcher not far behind.

For a long moment, which seemed to last forever but more likely only lasted a few minutes, nothing happened.

The explosion that followed wasn’t as deafening as Sam had expected but still a lot louder than he was used to, making him flinch inadvertently. It wasn’t as blinding as a voidout but Sam attempted to shield his eyes anyway. His ears were still ringing by the time it was quiet again. So, they remained quiet for a while longer than necessary, staring at the rubble before them. The buildings from the tar clustered otherwise empty stretches. And though Sam could still make out a significant amount of tar in the distance they had successfully cleared the first stretch.

His cufflinks rang. Familiar, but jarring against the silence. He picked up without really thinking about it or looking who had called.

“Hey Sam, Heartman asked me to ask you what the fuck you two just did?” Lockne clearly wanted to know herself, judging by the sound of her voice. “He said there was an explosion.”

“Oh yeah, there was,” Higgs chimed in with a broad grin on his face, sounding and looking more than proud of himself than he should have. “I think this one can rival with Middle Knot, Sammy.” He patted Sam’s shoulder and gazed out over the tar belt.

Before Lockne could speak Sam interrupted her. “Exploded a bunch of my blood in the tar belt, works like a charm, we’re gonna keep doing it, just need more supplies.”

The other end of the line remained silent as Lockne seemed to wrangle with herself and situation. “What do you need?” She eventually asked much calmer than Sam would have expected her to.

“As much of my blood as you can spare, equipment of all sorts… you should ask him…” Without any further ado Lockne turned her attention towards Higgs and briefly questioned him about the supplies he required to build more of those blood bombs. Sam imagined she was trying not to sound intrigued. Mama surely would have liked to try building her own type of his model, modified to be acceptable under Bridges standards of course. And maybe Lockne would indulge herself, but the thought fell short in light of the fact that that would supply Bridges with equally deadly artillery as the Demens.

“You should build a safe house in the area you’ve cleared,” Lockne suggested, her voice softening with weariness as she spoke. “Lou got all worried when she heard about the explosion from Heartman, be careful out there Sam, okay?”

**HIGGS**

They had heeded Lockne’s words, but only after clearing another chunk of the tar belt and wouldn’t have stopped if the sun hadn’t been setting and depriving Higgs of the much needed light to work. Higgs had watched the PCC manifest a safe house out of practically thin air not without interest, but ultimately, he cared more for how warm it was inside than how it was built. And while Sam was quietly chatting away with Lou and calming the child’s frayed nerves he was enjoying a warm, long shower. Feeling all but compelled to leave his cocoon of heat, but eventually did so anyway because he felt the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach.

Unfortunately, the only clothes available were Bridges standard-issue porter clothes so Higgs had to content himself with the same things he always saw Sam wearing when he wasn’t in his own clothes. This time around at least the clothes fit him. Still, Higgs ran his fingers over his scarred arms, unused to having them so blatantly exposed and tucked them behind his legs when he made himself comfortable on the bed, pulling his legs in front of his torso. Half to keep warm, half because it did make him feel more comfortable. He’d gotten used to Sam’s shirts and hoodies, but this was entirely different. At least the towel instead of the cloak was familiar.

“Tell me there’s something to eat in this place even if it’s a lie,” he groaned when Sam finally joined him among the showered and dressed people again. It was half a demand, half a plea.

Wordlessly Sam rummaged through a few drawers hidden in the wall and threw a pack of jerky at him. Higgs caught it and ripped it open, greedily devouring its contents. Sam rummaged some more through the drawers before he settled one the opposite end of the bed with the food as a divider between them. They ate in silence, too hungry to leave crumbs and Higgs finished the leftovers.

“Where the fuck do you keep all that?” Sam grumbled and scrutinised him.

“My stomach's a bottomless pit. I’m a bottomless pit.” Higgs replied, staring at the empty packet in his hands with discontentment before he crumpled it and threw it across the room. Just like in Mountain Knot Bridges would have access to the audio files of place since it connected to the UCA.

Sam had explained to him that while the cufflinks recorded everything around them that Bridges had no way of reading them until they reached a safe house or facility, which in turn was monitored again.

Making himself comfortable Higgs stared idly at the ceiling above them. Another steel grey sky… His train of thought might have continued if Sam hadn’t been staring so intently. At his arm, Higgs realised and turned it so they both would have a better look at his scars. Higgs pulled his mouth into a long line. “They’re old, don’t bother,” he said quietly.

Lightly Sam lifted a finger to touch them before he seemed to think better of it. “You don’t have any handprints…”

“I don’t repatriate often,” Higgs replied and pulled the fabric covering his shoulder aside to show that he wasn’t free of them either. “I didn’t do it to cover them up, if that’s what you’re thinking… I just…” He trailed off. Not quite sure how to describe that quiet but insistent longing for pain he’d head. “Just…” He left the sentence unfinished and shrugged.

Sam hummed in what seemed to be understanding without replying, but Higgs didn’t even know what the right reply would have been so he didn’t bother. “And there I thought you didn’t like your face because you had regrets about your forehead decoration,” he mused aloud.

Higgs snorted, turning his head away. “No, I probably like it better for it,” he admitted, more to himself than to Sam. A little stunned himself by the words that came out. Tugging the towel deeper into his face and withstanding the urge to pull it shut, although his hands lingered on the fabric hanging over his shoulders.

“Tired?” Sam questioned. Higgs replied by shaking his head, although he was exactly that.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but he remembered the small instances between sleep and waking and he remembered warmth and… Sam.

When he woke up Sam was already on his feet. He watched his legs move about the room, too lazy to move his eyes anywhere else, trying to remember the last time he’d slept so soundly.

“Finally awake, sleepyhead?” Sam teased grumbly, turning when he noticed that Higgs had opened his eyes. With a grumble Higgs rubbed the sleep from them.

Getting up had never been his favourite part of the day unless there was food waiting for him and Higgs doubted that Bridges’ could compare to Sam’s breakfasts. Especially outside of the facilities. Instead of bombarding him with words Sam left him be while Higgs pawed at the walls which had procured food yesterday and procured some more food now. Higgs ripped open a packet of nuts and devour almost a quarter of it in an instant by tipping his head back and pouring the contents straight into his mouth. Chewing he watched Sam make a face. He’d also done that when he’d watched Higgs devour honey the same way.

Slowly his body was willing to accept that he was supposed to be awake now as Higgs fed the void in his stomach with a healthy appetite. Just as slowly he bothered with getting dressed and leaving the shelter, while Higgs wondered if their work in progress had started taking back the cleared areas. Lockne had promised a steady supply of printing materials if they kept building safe houses. Because the completed network made everything easy like that or something. She’d promised to handle it, and that was really the most important thing Higgs figured.

Inadvertently Higgs breathed a quiet sigh of relief when he saw the tar hadn’t crept any closer overnight. Somehow the thought of having created a living tar pit sat wrong with him, sending an anxious flutter through his insides. But as far as he could see nothing had changed around them, there were still vast stretches covered in the rubble of prepper shelters and the buildings from a bygone era the catchers had drawn up – and there had been a lot of them so of course there was more here than at any ordinary BT voidout site – and if anything had changed, the change was too small to be noticeable. So, either way, they could rest easy for now, he decided.

“Do your worst,” Sam gestured at the terminal.

With a grin Higgs got to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this... is so dumb... and so glorious... I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it


	9. Shelter / Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rolls up sleeves* alright let's do this

**SAM**

If anyone had told him five years ago he’d be venturing with Higgs into the middle of tar belt Sam would have had a hard time believing it for more reasons than he would have had arguments against it. He still had a hard time believing that they’d nuked it with too much of his blood (graciously provided by the delivery bots sent from Heartman’s lab because it had been the only material they hadn’t been able to print) into oblivion. Whatever Lockne and Heartman had told the preppers and Die-Hardman Sam cared little for, but the longer he stared across the rubble covered plane in front of them the less it seemed to sink in that there really was no tar belt anymore. Somehow seeing it gone was harder to believe than the vast ocean-like obstacle he’d encountered the first time he’d went this far West.

“You covered _all of that_ … in tar?” Sam reiterated slowly because quite frankly his brain needed the time to adjust to that fact.

“Most of it,” Higgs replied. “You could see from one end to the other at the initial belt…”

Sam let out a quiet breath, still trying to wrap his head around it. The tar belt had been vast but somehow it was only now sinking in _how vast_. And while he managed to tear his eyes away from it, his mind was still treading circles around the words Higgs had just said.

Aimlessly he stared at what had been the tar belt only a few days ago before Sam managed to gather himself and call Lockne, in the process he grabbed Higgs by the arm to make him stay close. “We’ve cleared the belt,” it was hard to keep the disbelief from his voice, despite how confident he wanted to be, “what now?” He knew Bridges and especially Die-Hardman better than to expect things to be over so soon.

All he could hear was her quiet gasp on the other hand. An almost silent breath of air in awe. “Good job…” Lockne paused. “Both of you,” Sam was almost sure he could hear a little smile in her voice. From somewhere in the back he could hear Lou whose excited voice got closer quickly.

“You did it? You did it? You did it?!” She gasped and squealed in delight, probably hopping up and down at Lockne’s side. “You’re so cool. I knew you could do it! Nobody’s gonna believe how cool this is,” she chattered on excitedly. “Are you coming back home now?”

There was a pause, Sam imagined Lockne smoothing Lou's hair and smiling down at her. “Soon,” she promised both of them. Sam had to suppress a little sigh when he heard that. “Sam, Higgs,” again she paused deliberately, “I’ve outfitted your cufflinks with a cartography programme if you activate it your odradek should update the map in real time. It also comes with an editor, that way you can add individual landmarks to your maps, I’m sorry but you’ll have to edit a lot of the area manually, the odradek can only scan for standing shelters and I doubt there are many left, if at all…”

“I’d be surprised,” Higgs admitted, curiously tapping around on the display on his cufflinks.

Lockne made an appreciative sound when she recognised the familiar beeps. “You can tag pretty much anything with that thing. If there’s still something missing let me know and I’ll send an update your way. For now, all you need to do is scan the area and keep building shelters.”

Sighing Sam looked up from Lockne’s likeness and at the vast stretch of land before them. His legs were hurting just thinking about it.

“Alright…” He heard himself mumble with exasperated conviction. And if Die-Hardman ever thought about dragging from his shelter again he would personally make him regret ever thinking about asking in the first place. Perhaps he should keep Higgs around for that. What an odd thought and how odd that the idea didn’t bother him.

By the time Lockne had hung up Sam was chewing on his lower lip. “So, how’s it feel? This used to be your territory… wasn't it?”

Sighing heavily Higgs looked around. “Looks just as shit as when I left it…”

“So much for sentimentality,” Sam groaned and gestured with his hand to get going; he felt Higgs’ gaze on him before he heard his steps following him.

**HIGGS**

Their day had been filled with the sounds of scanning odradeks for so long that Higgs was sure he would dream of it. He could still hear it echoing in his ears when they were finally able to enter the shelter. He’d been racking his brain half the day, trying to remember who the broken shelters they had come across had belonged to, and had had more success than he'd expected. Despite all the rubble the tar belt had added he’d found it easier to locate them than imagined. After a while, he’d started recognising areas and it had become even easier. Occasionally he’d caught himself running his thumb over his fingers till they reached the edge of his palm, trying to recall long untied knots on his quipus. And if Sam had noticed it he had decided not to comment on it.

“I’m starting to understand why you can’t stand them,” Higgs grumbled into the mattress. He’d swapped the cloak for a towel and devoured his dinner in record time only to let himself fall face-first onto the bed. Which had been about the only thing he’d wanted to do for the past two hours. Soon comfortably squished between Sam and the wall he closed his eyes. Too weary to snap them open when Sam’s fingers tingled along his hairline, easily pushing into the strands. Higgs wrinkled his nose in discontentment and opened one of his eyes just enough to peer past Sam’s arm that was not so sneakily anymore working on freeing his head from the towel.

Being too tired to argue about it, Higgs let him. Unfortunately, Sam had been right when he’d said that he already knew what his face looked like. But that wasn’t really what it was about anyway. Around them the lights were dimming, while Sam was carding his fingers through the dark and ash-blond strands. Higgs sighed quietly, having to admit to himself that he didn’t dislike what was going on, although he wasn’t entirely sure if he liked it either. At least the lights were dim and Sam wouldn’t be able to see everything in detail.

Eventually, both his eyes fell shut again, but he didn’t fall asleep. He let Sam continue to card his fingers through his hair, relaxing slowly under his touch which prompted a quiet self-satisfied sound from Sam. “If you weren’t such a dick, I’d have to say you have a pretty decent face…” Sam offered his bait.

Higgs bit the inside of his lip. It wasn’t like he hadn’t already hinted at it, but admitting the whole thing out loud kind of was a different thing after all. “I don’t like how _he_ seems to be staring back at me… no matter how little, every bit is too much…” He murmured it so quietly that only Sam would be able to hear it and earned himself Sam’s hand gathering the strands which had fallen back into face, pushing them away and smoothing them back over his head.

“I only know what you look like,” Sam replied. “If that’s a comfort…”

Higgs snorted, feeling oddly at ease with the way Sam was slowly moving his fingers through his hair and smoothing it back against his head. Unable to hold back the quiet sigh of contentment himself this time.

“Is that why you did that?” He asked, smoothing his thumb over Higgs’ forehead.

“No…” He replied flatly. “Nor this… or this… or these,” Higgs added moving in turn first one arm, then the other, then his legs. “But I don’t think I need to add more of them currently.” Sam only hummed quietly in response, and Higgs couldn’t say whether he believed him or not. Lightly he leaned the back of his hand against Sam’s stomach where his scar crossed. Running his fingers one after another over the crossing, feeling something uncomfortable seethe up inside him. His own anger about Amelie must’ve shown on his face because Sam quietly chuckled.

“I’d prefer to leave it all be,” he told him, just as quietly as he had spoken before. His fingers were weaving themselves through the differently coloured strands he’d smoothed back. “Blond suits you.”

“Isn’t Bridges recording this?” Higgs sighed, carefully sneaking his arm around Sam’s waist to pull him closer.

“Recording yes… Listening no.”

“Ah…” Higgs sighed contently anyway, burrowing his nose in Sam’s neck. And the hand moved from his head down to his shoulder, where Sam’s fingers drew idle shapes and numbers. None of what he drew made any sense to Higgs but he reckoned Sam was trying to draw the equations from memory judging from the seemingly random numbers in between swirls and curves. “Just so we’re clear, I ain’t gonna stop wearing the cloak just because you gave me a half-hearted compliment,” Higgs reminded him with a quiet growl.

“I wouldn’t dream it,” Sam replied, obviously amused.

His face was pressed into the side of his head and Higgs could feel the warmth of his breath. Somehow that made him want to burrow himself deeper into the comfort of Sam’s body so close to his. The tar had been so awfully cold and Sam was so awfully warm that it was almost unfair. He could hear Sam smirking but paid it no mind, instead buried his face further in his shoulder, pressing his body a little closer in search for warmth.

“You’re not that cold.” Sam pointed out.

“Am,” Higgs replied trying not to sound pouty but did anyway. “'m plenty cold,” he added a little more grumbly, “Mr Aphenphosmphobia.”

“Mr Aphenphosmphobia thinks your excuse is shit,” Sam informed him, his finger still drawing idle figures on his back. Humming in quiet contentment when Higgs rubbed the stiff spot on his back. Higgs hadn’t even been looking for it, his fingers had found it on his own where suit and gear had been wearing down on Sam's back. “You’re awfully touchy-feely for someone who’s proclaimed profession is to be left the fuck alone.”

Higgs shushed him but smirked lightly into his shoulder anyway. Drawing back his face to lightly headbutt Sam, rubbing their noses and foreheads together, partially to annoy him, partially because it ended up being more comfortable than he had imagined. Sam mumbled something about him not being a cat. Higgs rolled his eyes and let them wander across Sam’s face almost thoughtfully. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this comfortable next to someone. “Do you think Bridges is ever going to listen to this?”

Sam’s forehead creased against his. “Doubt it. Wouldn’t put my money on no.”

Staring at him for a while longer Higgs eventually pulled his head away and rested it against Sam’s shoulder again. “It’s cold…” he sighed, Sam grumbled a little in response. A dumb little thought crossed Higgs' mind but he figured that that would be pushing his luck. There was nothing he would achieve by kissing Sam's stupid face anyway.

**SAM**

“It’s just rubble.”

Something about the way Higgs kept insisting on this made Sam think that it was all but that, but Higgs had scanned the area to their right, taken one look at his map and then curtly declared the whole area to be _just rubble_. Sam squinted, trying to make out what might await them in the Area of Rubble, but he could only discern that Higgs wasn’t wrong. That was the trouble, there was a lot of rubble and so far, he’d been right about most things they had encountered on their trek.

“Alright,” Sam decided to go along with it. For now. “Then you can wait here, while I scan the area,” he glanced at Higgs who wasn’t protesting but the way his mouth tightened said that there was more to it than he wanted to admit.

Higgs really hadn't been wrong.

The area was mostly rubble and the remains of a shelter next to a giant cavity in the ground. As if something has swallowed what had previously stood there. As he carefully approached it and stared into it Sam wondered if that was what Higgs hadn’t wanted to see, or rather what had once stood here. The hole was about the size of a shelter and deep enough to indicate someone actually might have once occupied the space. Either that or they had to study the behaviour of catchers all over again, Sam thought. He lifted his gaze to glance at the surrounding area.

He wondered whether Higgs was even aware of the hole in the ground in the first place. Sam pulled up the map on his cufflinks and marked the area to be avoided. If not for the sake of Higgs’ well-being, the danger of falling into the pit left behind was more than enough.

The question with which in mind Sam returned to Higgs wasn’t so much as so what had stood in place of the hole in the ground, or why Higgs wanted to avoid it, but what the hell had happened to that shelter in the first place. Had the tar swallowed it like so many other things? Certainly, Higgs would have been capable of that with Amelie’s powers Sam thought.

When he returned to him Higgs still looked mildly sour. As if the world had done him a great injustice and he didn’t want to let it stand, but didn’t know how to right the wrong which had happened either. For a moment Sam thought about mentioning what he’d seen but from the expression on Higgs’ face, he could tell that any more than he had already done would be too much right now. So Sam simply made a mental note about it and decided to ask him later.

There wasn’t much left to explore of what had once been the tar belt. Soon they would make their way back to Mountain Knot and then Sam would pack his bags and drag them all back into the safety of his own shelter and never take another Bridges order again. They would have to physically drag him from Lou otherwise. And Higgs… Sam knew without the shadow of a doubt that this all included Higgs when he formulated his plans, although it was no more than a gut feeling. Granted that Higgs wanted to come back with him in the first place. He should probably ask him about that. Thoughtfully Sam trudged ahead, thinking that he would be glad to never hear an odradek scan again for the rest of his life.

It was early evening when they finished scanning the territory and built the last shelter. Going to bed felt odd, but not because it meant Higgs would cling to him like a Kraken. Sam had unwittingly become used to that, like all other things that included Higgs. Somehow the idea of the leaving the tar belt (which now wasn’t a tar belt anymore so they should probably consider a new name) didn’t strike him as awfully appealing although there was little he wanted more than to see Lou again and disappear back into hiding. Yet it was coupled with yet another trek across the mountains, not to mention it would lead him back into the arms of civilisation.

He watched Higgs tug at his Bridges clothing before crawling onto the bed, to sit with him. He was slowly his way through a pack of jerky of which Higgs stole the remaining half and devoured it within too short of a time to be healthy before turning his attention to the crackers. With an appetite like that there hadn’t been any leftovers on their current journey and Sam had already written Lockne a message that someone should refill the shelter supplies before she sent anyone else into the belt.

He’d been mulling about Higgs' insatiable appetite for the better part of his shower and about the gaping hole that Higgs hadn’t wanted to get close to. It wasn’t all that he needed to talk about with him, but he didn’t really want to ask about all the things he kept mulling over otherwise, like why he wanted to keep Higgs around.

“I know why you didn’t want me to see that area…” Sam said quietly, placing his words carefully. He watched Higgs from the corner of his eye and how he pulled a face as if his appetite had been soured with the words. “I didn’t mean to…” Sam halted, looking at his hands.

“I know,” Higgs grumbled, sounding as sour as he looked. “You’re right,” he said flatly, staring at the cracker in his hand as if he was trying to convince himself that eating was something he should do. Even when his body didn’t agree with the idea. “You’re… I…” He began and ran his fingers through his hair with a disgruntled sigh. It was only now that Higgs himself realised that the towel was missing. Sam had noticed it the moment Higgs hadn’t covered his head before even considering to cover the rest of himself and had thought it odd but had decided not to comment on it. He kind of liked him better like this, with his shaggy blond hair in two colours plastered to his head because it was still wet.

Awkwardly Higgs attempted to hide by sinking into himself, partially curling up and proceeded to stuff his face with crackers, while Sam thought it was probably for the best to wait till Higgs was ready to talk on his own instead of pressing the matter. Instead of saying anything however, he stopped shovelling food into the pit that was his stomach and curled up with his head on Sam’s shoulder and his hands still around the half-empty cracker packet.

“You don’t have to go back there if you don’t want to, you know that, right?” Sam inquired just to be certain only to receive an incredulous stare.

“I know?” It didn’t sound like Higgs had ever given it any active thought. “I just don’t like being around that place.” He grumbled the words into his shoulder making them almost incomprehensible but Sam got most of it. He’d gotten surprisingly good at deciphering gibberish of any kind since Lou had started talking.

“You’re not going back,” Sam replied decidedly since Higgs seemed to have a hard time coming to that conclusion. Higgs’ response was a quiet mumble, but an agreement nonetheless.

Falling asleep leaning against the wall like this wasn’t the best idea Sam figured so he pushed Higgs onto his side till they were both comfortably next to each other on the mattress like so many other nights before. Sam had repeatedly considered sleeping on the floor, but it had always been a consideration on the edge of sleep. Too late to actually do something about it, just kind of there in the back of his mind. Right now, Sam had backed Higgs against the wall and made himself comfortable leaning against his chest, with no objection against the arm around his waist and the way Higgs had taken to hiding his head in his shoulder or like now against the side of his head. It was oddly comfortable like this, the moments were Higgs was slowly melding himself against and around him, as if he was encircling a source of long-awaited warmth.

Sam hummed quietly, letting Higgs’ arms and legs find their way around him. They had slowly become familiar in their persistent search for warmth. Not expecting anything in return, just to keep their source of warmth close. And surprisingly good at finding the exact spots where his muscles were sorest. Making it way too hard not be eased into a comfortable sleep when Higgs was wrapped around him like a cocoon of warmth. Careful to keep his hands on the clothed parts of his body, which always made Sam smirk a little. It was such a small, thoughtful and entirely unexpected thing that it was hard not to appreciate the effort.

“Sleep tight, big guy,” he muttered, patting Higgs’ chest lightly. Thinking that they ought enjoy it before they went back to Mountain Knot where behaviour like this would only raise suspicion.


	10. Spaaaaaaaaaaace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for reasons unimportant I had to copy-paste this fanfic from a pdf into word and that royally fucked up the formatting which I fixed enough to look decent in word but guess what I have to fix it again in ao3 (yes, it is one document)
> 
> also higgs learns abt himself and space

**HIGGS**

At full speed Lou had run into his legs, if she had been any bigger and stronger she might have accumulated enough force to run him over, but like this she was only going to leave a bruise. It occurred to Higgs, as he watched her little arms stretched up as far she could reach trying to grab for anything her tiny hands could grasp, that Lou had made the decision to consider him part of her family all on her own and without consulting anyone. Before he could figure out what to do with the little demanding child stuck to his legs and about to climb up his body like a kitten demanding attention, Sam had scooped her up into his arms. Immediately Lou flung her arms around his neck, hugging him as hard she could, while Higgs mussed up her hair. That seemed to suffice, as far as her wanting his attention went, he realised with relief.

Lockne’s gaze wasn’t as icy as it had been the first time but she still had her sights on him, a silent warning for him not to step out of line and so Higgs retracted his arm again from Lou who was sputtering questions almost faster than she could speak. Sam had spent quite some time keeping her posted while they had been away, telling stories and occasionally humming a melody so she wouldn’t miss him too much. But seeing her now, seemingly nothing could substitute for actually having him around. It was strangely endearing, Higgs found and didn't know what to do with that new revelation.

Following behind by a little Higgs couldn’t help the sigh of contentment as the elevator brought them down beneath the earth where it was somehow immediately several degrees warmer. With a roll of his shoulders he stretched his arms – forward to accommodate his left shoulder – making himself a silent promise that he was never going to leave the damn city ever again unless it was to get back to Sam’s shelter because that was about the only trip that was worth it.

The moment Sam had set her down Lou had come running towards him for a proper hug and Higgs had lifted her almost on instinct into his arms. He’d seen Sam do it, so it seemed to be the right thing to do in general. Lou made a happy little sound and flung her arms around his neck, just like she had done before with Sam. “I saw the ‘splosions all the way from here. Is the tar really gone? You don’t look like it’s gone, but dad says so.” She was referring to the fact that the tar belt had offered precious little opportunity to clean their outfits from its remains despite the fact that it was otherwise really _gone_ , as he assured her. That seemed to satisfy her for now and she nodded excitedly. If both adults said the same it had to be true. Or something like that. “Dad says I can see the map you made later,” she beamed. “And he’s gonna tell me aaall ‘bout it at bedtime, you’re gonna help tell the story, right?”

Uncertain Higgs drew out an unspecified sound in his throat, glancing at Sam. “ _Right_ …”

“Fuck yeah,” Lou whispered and tried to wriggle her way downwards till he had no other option but to set her back down again. As soon as her feet were safely on the floor again she ran back, first to Lockne, then to Sam, while Higgs watched.

**

Lockne had waited with patience for them to finish their story for Lou who had started growing tired halfway through it but kept insisting on staying awake so she could hear the end of what had happened. Although the end was probably the most unspectacular event of them all since it consisted solely of their return and the unbearable cold weather in the mountains. Which really was about the worst part after almost getting eaten by a catcher several times and making a wide berth around the corner of his childhood home. All of these paled in comparison when he thought about the freezing landscape of the mountains. Catchers could be killed, the shelter demolished _but the cold was eternal_.

At last when Lou was asleep and they turned their attention towards Lockne, who had remained standing in the door frame, occasionally smiling at Lou and staring holes pointedly into his back the rest of the time, and though she had said that she was only curious Higgs had the definite feeling that there was more to it than that.

Now that he faced her, Higgs tensed almost reflexively.

“I finished your blood tests,” Lockne said which explained very little because she had already told him that while they had been at the tar belt. She’d also said that he could see them once they were back if he wanted to. But this sounded less like a could and more like a should. “I would like to show you something,” she added, her eyes scanning him briefly.

For a long moment Higgs regarded her thoughtfully. He didn’t know why but something about the way she looked at him told him that whatever she had found wasn’t going to be what she had expected and he had to figure out right now whether he wanted to know this in the first place. “Oh, what the hell,” Higgs muttered and got up from where he had been kneeling next to Lou’s bed. “Go on.”

“Good,” Lockne nodded with a surprising amount of approval in her voice. She waved her hand, motioning them to step out of the room and made sure that the door was closed between them and Lou.

Higgs glanced back at Sam, then at Lockne who nodded, effectively taking the decision from his hands but somehow he was glad for it. That way he didn’t have to decide how he felt about including Sam because all that he managed to come up with was an uncertain feeling that wouldn’t let him pinpoint its reason for being no matter how hard he tried.

Lockne’s fingers hovered over the touchpad of her cufflinks, ready to pull whatever information she had been withholding with a press of her finger, but she didn’t. “I thought I knew, but turns out I don’t know where to begin,” she sighed and rubbed her face. “Look at this.”

One after another four diagrams in form of wheels appeared in the hologram projector and she quickly scaled them up for better viewing. “That’s your blood profile, Sam,” she explained pointing at the left-most circle in a happy, bright red. “You’re mostly here for comparison’s sake also because you’re our most well-known repatriate with Dooms,” she added almost apologetically and made several markers appear on his circle with the respective qualifiers. “Your blood has both markers, like I said – comparison,” Lockne continued. “These two,” she pointed at the following graphics. “Are Malingen and me, we’ve shared a womb and we had grown together before the doctors separated us, as you can see we both share each other’s blood, just a little but it’s there,” Lockne pointed at a little blue coloured portion of each of the diagrams. “It’s harmless and in our case so minuscule that unless you know what you’re looking for you won’t find it.”

Higgs couldn’t help but keep glancing at the fourth diagram while she continued her explanation. “We also have the Dooms marker, obviously.” He repeated that word as if it helped him make sense of any of this. “We’re also here for comparison’s sake, because this… that’s you and funny thing, it explains exactly why your Dooms work the way they do.”

“It does,” Higgs replied flatly, clearly lost in the face of his blood profile. It made sense, Lockne had made sure it made sense with all the colourful markers she had attached to the previous ones, he just didn’t get it. About a third of his was coloured in the bright blue she had chosen to indicate the blood of the respective other twin on her own and Malingen’s diagram and it bore the black markers for Dooms. The remaining two-thirds had been marked with the happy orange that indicated the capability to repatriate. There were also the blood types noted at the side, like with all the other diagrams, but Higgs found them too inconsequential to bother with them.

“Did you check that?” Sam asked. It was one of the questions Higgs was dying to know the answer for. “Thrice,” Lockne replied calmer than Higgs thought was a good idea right now.

“What the ever-loving fuck am I looking at… no.” Higgs decided that whatever the hell Lockne had decided she’d found in his body was not something he agreed with. “I don’t have a twin, I think I’d know that.”

The corners of Lockne’s mouth quirked up in response and even further when Sam mumbled something along the lines of being glad about it. “In a way… you do.” Somehow Higgs was glad that she waited till that information had sunken in.

“What–” He’d opened his mouth to speak but she didn’t even need words to shut him up this time. All she needed to do was to glance rather pointedly in his direction.

“It’s called Vanished Twin Syndrome and it’s far from easy to detect,” she continued slowly and exchanged the blood profiles for the graphic of a womb carrying two tiny specks that were soon identified as foetuses. “It’s a harmless consequence of foetal death, where one twin simply absorbs the other, the mother is more than often too early along to even know she’s pregnant herself, and by the time she finds out nobody is none the wiser.” She had illustrated her explanation with the help of her graphic where one twin had been marked dead first before being absorbed by the other. “It’s a natural form of biological chimerism and as I said, completely harmless,” Lockne reiterated. “What it means, however, is that you have two sets of DNA!" She sounded way too delighted for Higgs' taste. "And even if it might not look like it, haematic chimerism is statistically speaking more likely than we know of. It’s just not something we have to collectively worry about.” Lockne shrugged, taking this moment to again let that information sink in. The look in her eyes suggested the opposite of what she’d just told him, but quite frankly Higgs wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear about that right now.

Instead he took the moment to sceptically examine his hand. “So I got a dead person inside me.” It was half a question, half a statement.

“Sort of, since you share DNA to begin with it’s not entirely foreign biological material and since you absorbed it you could argue that it is technically yours, but… on a genetic level, it will always register as a completely different person.” Lockne let the interactive womb be and switched back to the blood profiles. “It explains pretty much everything except for the split,” her finger waved along the blue part of the circle. “I think that might have been Amelie when she raised your Dooms level, a natural split like that would be… I dread to say impossible, mother nature likes to surprise us but at the very least it is very unlikely even for people like you,” she said decidedly, putting her foot down with the subject.

“It does not explain pretty much everything,” Higgs replied shaking his head. “What the fuck,” he added, pointing at his profile again. Visibly amusing Lockne as he did so.

“But it does,” she said nodding. “Look again, you,” her finger pointed at the larger, red part of the diagram, “have the genetic marker for repatriation, and your twin,” her finger slid to the blue section, “has the genetic marker for Dooms, the reason yours fluctuate so much is because they’re not your own. I’m not absolutely certain on this since you’re my only specimen so far, but I imagine the general explanation is that our bodies are constantly working on renewing our cells so whenever yours does that it slowly severs your ability to access your twin’s Dooms.”

“I have a twin?” It was hard not to phrase this as a question. No matter how hard he tried. It just didn't want to make sense like Lockne wanted it to be.

“You have a twin,” Lockne agreed matter of factly. “And probably more than that, our research is solely based on people who have either of the markers attached to their own DNA, or in rare cases like you Sam, both… but you… are new ground, I have no idea what the effects are when they are split like that.”

Higgs thought that there were more pressing questions, but he couldn’t argue that Sam was making a pretty good point when he asked, “does Die-Hardman know about this?”

Shaking her head Lockne replied, “not yet, but I won’t be able to keep this from him and… I’d like to have more of your blood so I can run more tests, there’s a lot more to find out here.”

She’d left them alone sometime after that and Higgs had been sitting with crossed legs on Sam’s bed since then, staring holes into the air. Lockne had left him with more than just factual information to work through and he was far from done entangling the emotional baggage that came with it.

Sam had been hovering around him, but Higgs had decided not to pay him any mind unless he was going to say something. Which he did eventually. “Do you have the mental capacity for one more thing?” He asked, scrutinising him almost worried Higgs thought when Sam obstructed his view into blissful nothingness.

“Yeah, I wanna think about something else,” he decided promptly, surer of himself now that he’d said it than before when he’d only bounced the question around his head.

“Do you want to stay here?” Funny, Higgs thought, how Sam seemed to have accepted him as part of this room, when he posed the question. “As long as Lockne doesn’t object there no reason why you couldn’t, and given that she wants you to be her newest science experiment I doubt she’ll say no if you ask her.”

“No, stop talking,” Higgs complained. This was just as fume-inducing as Lockne’s explanation. Groaning in quiet agony about his situation Higgs ran both hand down his face and through his hair as far that was possible with each arm.

“Do you?”

“I don’t know. Mental capacity for that question used up,” Higgs continued his complaint, earning a little laugh from Sam at which point he dared to look up. He was trying to figure out why Sam had asked that in the first place, as if thinking about that was any easier than the rest. “You want me to stay here…” About a month ago he would have gladly jumped at the opportunity to be rid of Sam and soon after that Bridges and all other strings attached. But right now he couldn’t say. He couldn’t say anything. His mind had run into a wall and got stuck there. Hung up on Lockne’s explanation about vanishing twins and sibling DNA somewhere built into his body where it wasn't supposed to be.

His stomach dropped weirdly at the thought of staying. Although it would likely be for the better, but the realisation was quickly replaced by the thought that Bridges would hear everything that went on in here. Sighing Higgs wished on Sam his sense of clairvoyance just so he wouldn’t have to express himself with words at all right now. Wishing for a lot more things but none of them feasible.

“Sam.” His name was inconsequential, but saying it felt right and it got him the wanted attention. Higgs waited till Sam’s eyes lingered on him, waiting for whatever it was that he intended to add after his name. But instead of saying anything he got up and kissed him harsh and awkward on the mouth. It wasn’t motivated by the same hungry frustration and lust he’d felt before for him and still lingered somewhere in the back, collecting dust. It was relatively new and awkward but wanted out with the same fierceness.

There was a lot more that he would have liked to do with his hands but Higgs managed keep them still on Sam’s shoulders. Sighing when he wanted to draw away and Sam wouldn’t let him. “Sam…” Higgs grumbled against his lips. “Sammy…” He almost laughed into his mouth. “Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sam…” He murmured, his hand dug into the hair on the back of his head to keep him at bay. Pressing a small kiss to his head. “If I had known you’d be so eager I would’ve kissed you sooner…” He murmured against his head. Doing nothing but holding his close. Close. Close. Feeling Sam press a kiss to the side of his neck.

“And I would’ve slapped you for it,” Sam muttered in response, doing absolutely nothing to free himself. Instead he sank heavily against his chest as if he wanted to bury himself in there, while Higgs didn’t do anything to stop him. Simply sinking his head into Sam’s hair. “Do you want to stay here?” Sam mumbled the question lazily into his chest while the top of his head rested against the crook of his neck.

Loosely entangling his hands behind his back Higgs gave a quiet humming sound and tilted his head, nipping at Sam’s ear. “You tell me,” he replied and let Sam push him onto the bed with some effort and pulled him into a deep and slow and thorough kiss that swallowed everything else between them.

When they broke away from each other Sam buried his head in his chest again and Higgs tangled his fingers in his hair, combing through it like Sam had done it for him trailing his fingers down till they reached the end of Sam’s neck before burying them in his hair again. “You’re a dumbass, you know that?”

“You’re lucky I’m too out of it to be offended,” Higgs muttered in response.

Sam made an amused sound, followed by a very content one when Higgs continued to comb his fingers through his hair. Continuing till Sam eventually fell asleep and he was still staring at the ceiling above them, unable to quiet his mind.

**

It had been the third of those nights in a row. Sam was lying comfortably nestled in the crook of his arm and he couldn’t sleep and he likely wouldn’t sleep till early morning and then half the day waking up less than rested.

Unable to sleep Higgs decided that while it was nice to lie here with Sam like a human hot water bottle cuddled up to him, he had to do something about his sleeplessness. So he untangled himself from Sam and tiptoed on bare feet towards the door which opened automatically for him and thankfully just as quiet. Like a mouse Higgs left the room to explore the city’s depths. The layout was always the same. Seen one, seen all. But that didn’t make it any less interesting for him now that he was actually free to walk through them. Quickly he realised that they had been stationed somewhere close to the main offices, but he brushed it off just as fast because Sam didn’t exactly like being around other people in the first place so Lockne had probably wanted to do him a favour.

There was light coming through a half-open door at the end of a corridor. Higgs tiptoed closer, having no intention of disturbing anyone but curious enough not to leave them alone either. Before he could see anyone, he could hear the quiet clicking of keys on a computer or laptop, followed by the clatter of tools being sifted through, picked up and used and someone muttering to themselves.

Poking his head through the door and glancing around he quickly found the source of all noise and light. And she was currently crawling under a table, cursing herself. Cautiously Higgs approached Lockne and knelt down beside her to see what she might be doing. “Looking for something?”

Startled Lockne mumbled a quiet curse and almost hit her head under the table. “Sweet mother Mary of fuck, what are you doing here?”

“There was light,” Higgs offered, then realising himself that that probably wasn’t the most helpful response he could have given her. Lockne looked at him accordingly, then turned back to looking for whatever she seemed to have lost.

“Yeah, there’s light,” she admittedly flatly as if his observation had brought the obvious to her attention.

“I can’t sleep,” he added, when they crawled back out from under the table now that she had found her screwdriver. Standing in the middle of her lab Higgs felt awfully lost, and because he didn’t know what else to do with it he channelled it all towards her. Looking almost imploringly at her now. As if Lockne could magically cure of his bad dreams with a snap of her fingers, but soon he scrutinised her more cautiously. “You don’t like me.” Once again, he was stating the obvious. Somehow when it was her it made him feel twice as silly.

“I don’t trust you around Lou,” she replied calm but sure.

“Fair enough…” Higgs sighed, giving her an open-armed shrug as if to say that he didn’t know what she wanted him to do about that. It was about the same moment that he spotted the device she had been working on. A round object with several shiny spots that looked like hologram projectors covering its surface. And when Lockne returned to work on it he hovered over her shoulder. Trying to figure out what it was exactly. The thoughts surrounding her were loose strings about everything and nothing, her duties as the city’s keeper, the problems it came with, Lou, Sam, him… and somewhere in that mess he found a loose string about the broken hologram projector. Trying to push through the clutter surrounding her he leaned just marginally closer and took a deep breath.

“That’s creepy,” Lockne pointed out dryly and waved the screwdriver dangerously close to his eyes.

Higgs only wrinkled his nose, biting the inside of his lip. Realising that he’d kind of just gotten used to the fact that Sam had deciphered his intentions. Mulling over that for a little while he kept staring at her shoulder. “I want to know what that is…” He admitted.

“Then ask, I’m not biting your head off, I’d just rather have you miles away from my goddaughter,” she replied slightly disgruntled. Seemingly well aware that Lou had other plans in that respect.

“So I get to exist, as long as it’s very far away from Lou,” Higgs observed.

Lockne cracked a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Aren’t you a smart cookie.” She regarded him for a couple of moments. “It’s a planetarium, sort of,” she eventually explained, still matter-of-factly but her voice had softened around the edges. “Turn the light off and I’ll show you.”

It sounded half like an order but Higgs did it anyway. She’d piqued his curiosity enough to make him stay. At least for the moment. His fingers still on the light switch Higgs watched her place the orb-like object on the ground and press a few buttons on the touchscreen that appeared after she’d turned it on. The object made a whirring noise and a few little beeps indicating that it was at work before drowning the whole room in the silvery-blue light of dozens of holograms big and small that moved slowly around the room. He recognised the stars but little else.

“It’s not a real planetarium, otherwise the stars would only be projected onto the ceiling and spin there...,” Lockne explained almost ruefully and pointed towards the ceiling above which was speckled with just as many stars. “But this fits the purpose better,” she added quietly and made herself comfortable on the ground. Following her example, Higgs sat next to her with crossed legs and looked up.

She must have read the obvious question on his face because Lockne continued talking. “That’s the world beyond our sky… and once someone is going to get rid of the chiral clouds and we’ll be able to explore it again.”

“You sound sure of yourself,” Higgs observed, her words as much as the objects circling around them. “My parents went to space, I don’t see any reason why I can’t,” she replied, looking almost excited, almost rueful at the stars.

“There are so much more though…”

Lockne’s glance raked over him as if he was a scientific specimen, behind which something less harsh was hidden that he couldn’t quite place, when he skirted her question again. “You’re right,” she replied with a small but approving nod. “There should be a lot more stars visible since the stranding but the chiral density obstructs their view even by night, our sky should be a lot brighter than it is, but it’s far too dangerous with the timefall and the BTs to go out unless there is no way around it…” Whatever else she’d wanted to say Lockne swallowed deep inside her because she not only fell quiet but also drew her knees close and wrapped her arms around them. Higgs decided not to press the matter.

For a moment they just stared at the holograms before Lockne swiped them into position. “That’s our solar system,” she explained as if that gave any real sense to the spinning objects. Planets Higgs presumed, there hadn’t been many books on astrology, so most of the things he knew were from that one big picture book Lou had. “That’s earth,” she said, pointing at one of the planets spinning around them. She’d filled the whole room with them.

Higgs watched the earth go by and the way the moon spun around it in some distance. Lockne had been quick to point out the moon and the sun, the latter which she had made the centre of their room just above the projector. “It’s a star, a gigantic burning star,” she explained splaying her hands over the hologram. At some point she’d gotten up while Higgs remained transfixed to her lightly illuminated figure. “And someday after we’re long dead it will be gone,” she patted the sun affectionately. “I guess we’ll have to figure out space travel just for the sake of you repatriates,” she smirked. “Can’t leave you in a dark universe.”

“The fuck do you mean it burns out?” The question was out of his mouth before Higgs could stop it and now all he could do was to miserably press his lips together and hope that there would be no consequences for running his mouth.

Lockne replied by shooting him a quizzical look for a moment before she continued. “All stars die eventually,” she sounded solemn. “Most of them are already dead and too far away to be of any concern to us, the sun will eventually become a red giant and vaporise all of us if there’s still any life left on earth that is…” Pointedly she glanced at Higgs, the quirk of her brow suggested that she wanted to what he knew.

Higgs pondered that for a moment as he watched her trying to illustrate just how big the red giant would eventually be. “Dunno,” he admitted slowly but truthfully. “Amelie’s powerful beyond comparison… she could obliterate us all without a patch of grass to spare…” He wasn’t sure how to feel about the silence that answered him and picked at the fabric covering his knee. “She could,” he insisted, pulling his mouth into a discontented line. “I felt it.”

“You felt it?” Lockne asked, sending Mercury and Venus his way. Higgs watched them pass by, their names dancing above the spinning planets. She stopped the hologram when Earth came to rest basically in his lap.

Studying the hologram Higgs ran his fingers through it in a futile attempt to turn it over in his hands. Once again Lou's picture book with stars and planets came to mind, he’d seen Sam read it to her plenty of times but Higgs had never heard all of it.

“All of that?” She asked quietly, placing her hands below the planet as if meaning to carry its weightless self when she sat down opposite of him.

“All of that,” Higgs confirmed with a solemn nod. The planet looked oddly small like that, like he could fit his arms around it and something told him that that was probably not a good thing. Frowning Higgs studied the oceans and landmasses till he found America. Trying to fit that small space into his idea of the great big outside. “What’s that one called?” He asked instead carefully, pointing at one of the planets further in the background, despite that it was big enough to see some of the details from here.

“Saturn,” Lockne replied.

“Like the Roman God,” Higgs offered helpfully.

“In the flesh,” she agreed with an encouraging nod.

“And that one?” Higgs continued and Lockne continued to answer each of his questions, while her universe was starting to make some more sense around him.

Halfway because he was sure she wouldn’t know and halfway because he was curious anyway he started pointing at random stars around them. To his disgruntlement she knew how to identify most of them. It was most unfair, Higgs figured, although happy about the new influx of information. “I read about that one,” he chimed in when Lockne swiftly identified the North star. “People used to use it for guidance before there were chiral clouds everywhere.”

Smiling she nodded and sat down again after wandering all over the map for the benefit of easily pointing out stars and planets and their moons. “And that’s just our galaxy,” she pointed out happily when she sat down with him again to enjoy the view.

“There are more?”

“Yeah, we’ve found a few of them before the Stranding but we never got to visit them…” She paused. “You’ve adjusted well…” There was a question posed behind her words that was too shy to come out.

Higgs snorted. His expression became a weary grin, but not only because he was growing tired. Which he rather expressed in the way he rubbed his eyes. “Maybe,” he shrugged. “You’ve given me answers I didn’t know there were questions to…” Higgs paused. “Now I can probably figure out how to make use of my Dooms.”

“I’m not letting you into the morgue!” She exclaimed.

“Who said you had to,” he teased tiredly. If he tried he probably found a way inside anyway and nobody would be able to stop him. No measure of security locks would be enough, but he didn’t tell her that, he only looked at her intently while Lockne looked back with the same determination, only that she wanted to stop him.

Higgs laughed quietly, amused. “Sam said, I could stay if I wanted to… and if you agreed.” He didn’t know why he told her Sam’s suggestion, considering that his reply to Sam had been a kiss. A kiss that he didn’t want to take back and which had been reciprocated.

Folding her arms Lockne considered him for a moment. “You don’t want to stay,” she observed, although Higgs couldn’t say what brought her to that conclusion. She seemed to realise that too because she smiled amused. And although it seemed to be a struggle for her, Lockne explained herself nonetheless, her smile turning wry.

“Lou adores you, and I can see why,” she admitted. “I just don’t understand it, you shot her, you shot Sam–”

“They were in my way,” Higgs replied matter-of-factly. It was, surprisingly, simple as that. “It didn’t matter who it was, but if I had wanted Sam dead he would have been.” The surprise on her face spawned a tired grin on his own. “Wouldn’t have been as fun, don’t you think? My powers were second only to Amelie’s if I had wanted to I would have made short shift of him.”

“And now?”

“I’m powerless, it doesn’t really matter,” he sighed, wearily, closing his eyes and shifting his weight to be more comfortable. “And she’s entertaining.” Lockne’s mouth quirked upwards. “Never met a kid,” Higgs was tapping his finger against his chin. “Don’t really know what I think of ‘em, but I think Lou’s great fun to have around.”

Now she giggled. “She gets a pass because you don’t know what to do with her?” She chided amused and put her arms on her hips, shaking her head. “So what about Sam?” She inquired.

Still tapping his finger against his chin Higgs made a thoughtful sound, lowering his head so it would be harder to read his face. Figuring that his answer to this shouldn’t be so light-hearted. “He’s fun too…” Higgs decided and looked up at her. “Different kinda fun,” he clarified with a mischievous grin. Sam was fun to annoy by getting into his personal space, but he also seemed to care very little for all that Higgs did as long as it was outside of that and didn’t endanger Lou. But he was also a great source of warmth in the night when he couldn’t sleep.

“You could have run,” with a small sigh Lockne moved to sit next to him and rubbed her upper legs as if to ease the weariness.

“I could have,” Higgs replied with the same weariness in his voice. “But the world will end whether it happens because I snap my fingers or not, Amelie will succumb to her nature and there won’t even be a speck of dust left when she’s done with us.” Her mouth tightened, giving away more than she might have wanted to. Higgs smirked. “You’ve seen it too,” he nodded. He’d remembered her telling him that she and her sister had Dooms.

“Right now it’s hard enough to figure out what the fuck to do with myself…” That was about as honest as he could get right now. Tired as he was Higgs dragged his weary body into an upright position. “And right now, I wanna sleep,” he muttered, glancing around the room again before he left. “That was fun.”

Lockne showed him a little smile. Higgs figured he should probably bother her little more often when he couldn’t sleep.

“Will you tell me now what you didn’t want to say in front of Sam?” He inquired, finding the question easier after having asked so many others and Lockne being more than patient with her answers.

She paused, studying the planets and stars. “You didn’t have any symptoms so far, so I guess,” she rubbed her weary face, “there is little reason to worry, but a split like that should be…” Lockne turned to look at him, her expression earnest. “It’s not like a bad transfusion, your body will keep producing your sister’s blood just like it produces yours – worst-case scenario it recognises her blood as foreign.”

Higgs breathed quietly. He was too weary to properly pick apart all that she had said in one go. “I have a sister,” he parroted matter-of-factly. Because that was the easier part of it all that his brain could deal with right now. 

“You have a sister,” Lockne confirmed in the same manner.

Staring at each other both of them nodding. It was about all Higgs had to say about that for now. He could hardly wrap his head around it still. “What kinda worst-case scenario?” He asked, even though he had a feeling he didn't really want to know.

“In your case? Well, you most likely won’t die, but you’re gonna feel like it.”

“Cool,” Higgs replied wearily. Of course it wasn’t cool, but that was as far as his brain was able to process the new information Lockne was trying to stack on top of everything else now. “I need sleep,” he clarified after staring at her for a good while, bleary-eyed and absent-minded.

Sam was still as dead to the world as he’d been when Higgs had left him, he didn’t even stir when he crawled into the space between him and the wall, only when Higgs wrapped his arm loosely around his shoulder and wriggled his ankle around Sam’s to keep him close for warmth did he react. His muscles tensed as if by reflex before they relaxed again under the idle movement of his hand. Lowering his head onto Sam’s shoulder he gave in to the sleepy heaviness of his body.


	11. Higgs Sleeps Through Being Sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a week feels like 3 days what is time

**HIGGS**

With a bleary voice Sam mumbled some soothing nonsense, pulling him abruptly from the maelstrom inside of him. Higgs attempted to blink himself awake, disorientated in the face of daylight and sleepiness. Having not quite stepped over the boundary into the land of the waking yet. “What?” He croaked.

“You were talking in your sleep? Have been,” Sam muttered in the same sleepy voice.

“I don’t–,” Higgs huffed and tried to make more room for himself. Failing that he heaved himself onto his arms and sat up, squinting at the brightly lit room around them. Cursing Bridges for their automated lighting system. “I did…?” He looked at Sam who was a tangled mess of body parts and bedsheets.

“Constantly, I thought you knew,” Sam muttered into the blanket. Sounding a little confused but not further concerned with it.

Unconcerned with Sam’s revelation Higgs stared at the door to Lou’s room, contemplating whether or not he wanted to get up. He wanted a shower and he wanted a mountain of breakfast. He squinted at Lou’s door, wondering why the hell it was so quiet. “Where’s the half-pint?”

“Lockne,” Sam mumbled in response.

That was good enough for Higgs not to question it any further. Instead he rubbed his face and prodded Sam’s side with his foot. “Attention,” he replied and bent over him when Sam asked what the hell he wanted this early in the morning. Sam glared at him. “Feed me,” Higgs continued and kept prodding Sam’s side who eventually rolled out of reach and sat up to become a more upright grumbling heap of bedsheets.

“D’you remember what you were dreaming?”

“Vaguely,” Higgs shrugged. He had nightmares too often now to pay them any mind, and if he didn’t remember them when he woke up all the better. And the old ones he was kind of used to. “Amelie’s wake me more often…” Higgs sighed. “Less used to those… _still_.”

Sam hummed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “It’s not as bad as when I was kid,” he admitted. “Still awful.”

He’d tried not to think what it would have been like having these nightmares as a kid, because he couldn’t imagine he would have made it if he’d had them. Day and night nothing but nightmares, Higgs couldn’t keep his shoulders from tensing and his stomach from pulling taut at the thought. Absent-mindedly he stared at Sam’s arms, trying to shake off the uncomfortable feeling. “Ugh…” Higgs shook himself and sunk against the wall next to the bed, seeming to sink into himself as he did so. “Did I say anything specific?”

“You sounded distressed.”

“That narrows it down to… oh I don’t know, _every nightmare I’ve ever had_ ,” Higgs replied dryly. “Do you ever dream of anything other than the Beach?” He had a vague memory of asking that before, but he couldn't quite recall Sam's answer right now.

Sam looked thoughtful for a moment but eventually shrugged his shoulders. “If I do I can’t remember, you dream of your uncle, don’t you?”

The question was rhetoric. Of course, he still dreamt of the nightmares his uncle had inflicted on him. “Well, _he was there first_ , Amelie’s a lame _copycat_.” His half-hearted complaint earned him an amused snort from Sam.

Contemplating him for a moment Higgs tilted his head a little before he leaned in and kissed him lazily. His action earned him a mild headbutt and Higgs made an appreciative sound when Sam didn’t let him get away on the first try, placing a self-satisfied smirk on his face when he pulled away. Sam wasn’t objecting but he was clearly trying to figure out where all of this was supposed to lead. And perhaps coming from in the first place. Even though all Higgs could currently offer was that he wanted to see how much Sam would let him get away with considering how close he had already let him and that he was largely unconcerned about getting tangled up in something himself. Tangled up in Sam.

His brows knitted together in a little frown while he studied Sam. “Touch ain’t scaring you anymore,” he observed what had been obvious for a while now. “But you still don’t like it, do you?” The question came surprisingly easy over his lips.

“If you’re asking what I think you might be asking, I’ll slap you.”

Higgs mulled over that for a moment. So they were still beating around the bush for the sake of leaving Bridges in the dark.

He could deal with that. “If the question is,” Higgs replied and moved a little closer towards Sam again, “whether I want to annoy the shit outta you… yes, _yes I do_.” It was about all he could do to him without Amelie’s powers and without a lot of effort. “But not like that.” There were plenty more fun and rewarding ways to exasperate Sam instead of forcing kisses on him. “I didn’t think you’d let me…” He shrugged in a way that said he hadn’t expected to get this far in the first place.

Now it was Sam’s turn to be quiet and unfortunately, he stayed quiet for a long time. Long enough for Higgs to grow impatient and poke his finger into Sam’s arm with a frustrated sound. Sam’s response was a quiet “hm” as he swayed with the movement.

Higgs leaned closer. If Sam wasn’t going to tell him he was going to find out himself, but the only thing this action earned him was Sam’s hand in his face.

“No,” he said decidedly. His eyes fixed squarely on Higgs’s. “No clairvoyance, no premonition, no sniffing.” He’d caught his nose between his fingers and wiggled his hand like he did when he sometime pretended to have caught Lou’s. Even though she seemed clearly too old for that trick and Higgs couldn’t help the amused sound that escaped his throat either. Sam hummed again, quite thoughtfully this time. “Does the licking help?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Higgs replied while Sam hadn’t thought it necessary to let go of his nose. Eventually he gave in anyway because Sam wouldn’t stop staring at him. “No? I was being a bastard. You hated it, of course I had to lick your dumb face.” When that caused Sam to finally let go of his face, Higgs rubbed his nose and wrinkled it as if to test that everything was still in working order.

“Okay, I get that, but why lick Fragile?”

“I wanted…” He grumbled, lowering his eyes. He’d wanted a great many things. Higgs shrugged. “Figured she’d hate it too.” That was half the truth anyway. He’d wanted to give her more than one good reason to not want to think about him. Preferably ever again. A part of him wanted to ask about her, out of sheer curiosity, but Higgs swallowed the words and kept the questions to himself. Better not to ask about Fragile at all. Better to keep things the way they were. Sam seemed to guess that there was a little more to it but he didn’t ask. That was the nice thing about Sam he could let things be. Breathing a quiet sigh in light of the averted crisis, Higgs rubbed his face. “Nevermind Fragile…” The tone of his words was final, leaving no room for further discussion.

At least Sam accepted that for now. “And why _that?_ ” He asked instead.

 _That_. The kiss. That one from when Sam had asked where he wanted to stay. Higgs groaned. So that was what this had been leading up to. “Can I not just be a nuisance? A menace to your personal space on every possible occasion?” He joked half-heartedly.

“No.”

“Killjoy.” Higgs huffed. “Why did you let me?” He glanced away before scrutinising Sam with more open curiosity. That was as much of a valid question as any other about their current conversation topic he figured. “I wanted to, and… I wanted to see what you’d do.” That didn’t feel like the whole answer but it was all that Higgs could offer right now. All he could admit to right now.

“Too tired to bother telling you off,” Sam replied. It also didn’t sound like it was the whole truth and somehow it made Higgs smirk.

“But right now, you aren’t,” he pointed out. Sam pulled a face in response.

“Okay, okay you win,” he grumbled, half-heartedly trying to fend him off when Higgs dropped his head onto his shoulder and made himself comfortable. “You’re not getting anything to eat this way.”

“Rude.”

**

Higgs thought that he would have much preferred it if they’d been in her lab with the planetarium instead of her office but it would do. While he watched the blood flow from his arm through the plastic tube into the bag.

She’d asked him for blood and Higgs had seen no reason to deny her. A single blood bag couldn’t do much harm. Lockne had assured him that it was more than plenty for all the tests she had in mind, before explaining that she was more interested in getting a sample of his blood as it was. For there was no telling how it might change after being filtered.

Lou was watching with mild concern and was prodding the plastic tubes attached to the needle in his arm when Higgs didn’t keep her from it. Lockne had sat him on a spare chair and propped the bag up against one of its legs after sticking a needle into his arm and connecting the bag to his arm. Instructing him not to move it to keep everything in place and eventually assuring him that it would be over sooner than he would realise. Higgs wasn’t really sure if she meant to reassure herself or him, but maybe both was in order.

“We have easier methods, but this is the only way I can keep you a little longer from Die-Hardman,” Lockne had explained. Higgs had a feeling it wasn’t the whole truth but her face did enough talking for him not to keep prying. He had a strange sort of trust in her in these things.

“What’s she going to do with all your blood?” Lou asked. She’d insisted on watching the process. So even though Lockne had only approached him (and Sam) now all three of them were in her office, where Sam attempted to keep Lou from causing any kind of chaos because she wanted to touch and look at everything.

“Dunno, probably build some new bombs,” Higgs replied with a little grin. A single blood bag was barely enough for that but he enjoyed the idea anyway and it seemed to be enough for Lou right now as well.

Lockne was at her desk, occasionally looking up from her files, waiting for his sign that she could stop the blood flow and remove the needle. She'd told him the whole procedure would take no more than ten minutes at most, and the bag was already half full. Still, Higgs felt like it took an eternity.

“Does it hurt?” Lou asked. She’d climbed onto his lap where Higgs had had to make sure she didn’t get too close to the needle and tube, which meant that he had to keep an arm hooked around her.

“Nope, wouldn’t recommend it though.”

“Do I also have that much blood in me?”

“More,” Higgs replied with a grin and her eyes widened as she stared at her hands.

“Awesome pawsome.”

“Awesome?”

“Dad’s blood can make bombs, bet mine’s cool like that too!” She grinned.  
Higgs chuckled, glancing over at Sam who’d been hiding more or less behind a tablet screen, reading probably the first thing that had caught his attention. Certain that Sam wouldn’t agree that easily with her.

“Betcha,” he chuckled again. “We’ll test it when you’re older, deal?”

“Deal!” Lou beamed, while Sam glared at him over his tablet. With feigned innocence, Higgs met his gaze.

**

He’d been feeling sort of under the weather since Lockne had taken his blood, but Higgs hadn’t really thought any of it. A cough had never killed him, or a runny nose, although perhaps repatriation would be preferable in the long run just because it fixed things rather quickly. But if his only two choices were to sit it out or to repatriate Higgs would prefer the former. At least that way he wouldn’t end up with another, preventable handprint he didn’t want.

From underneath Sam’s hand which rested on his forehead he glowered at him in mild disgruntlement – It had been the beginning of the end of his day. Bundled up in all the blankets he’d been able to find, not because he was particularly cold, but because they were the perfect hiding place.

“Congrats, you have the flu,” Lockne announced after tapping her cufflinks against his wrist and typing something onto the holographic display for a moment. “You’ll live,” she assured him just as quickly, which made Higgs wonder if his face had given away some unspoken opinion on the matter.

There was something about the way she studied him that worried him, but Higgs couldn’t quite put his finger on it, so he pushed the thought into the back of his mind to deal with later. Maybe when he felt better again. Lockne then said something about vaccinations once that was the case but Higgs didn’t have the headspace for that, nor did he want to deal it.

Instead, he let himself drop onto the mattress and closed his eyes while he pulled the blanket over his head. He didn’t exactly want to be left alone, but admittedly he didn’t know at all what he wanted. The only person who had ever previously cared about wellbeing had been Fragile, but Higgs didn’t want to think about her. Especially not in this state. His uncle hadn’t given two shits about his wellbeing, even when he hadn’t laid hands on him.

**

Lou had been the first to invade his cocoon of blankets when she been looking for someone to play with her but he hadn’t expected for Sam to come to his aid when he turned her away. There was no way he had the energy to keep up with her right now. Lou pouted a little but was easily distracted by her father and Lockne.

Other than that Higgs hadn’t expected anyone to pay him any mind, which obviously marked Sam’s decision to sit with him in silent social companionship as a grave mistake. Higgs had latched onto him like a cat demanding attention with no intention of letting Sam get up in the near future. Which had eventually led to him calling Lou over, hoping that she would help, but instead she’d made room for herself on his lap and foiled Sam’s plans further. Because the moment Lou had pulled Higgs' head onto her lap and wrapped her arms around him, no amount of good arguments in the world would have convinced Higgs to get up again.

The fever had made him weary and his body heavy, and with the way he was curled up on Sam’s lap with Lou cradling his head he couldn’t come up with any good reason not to stay exactly where he was – forever.

Closing his eyes, he’d buried his head in Lou's shirt and grumbled something unintelligible when Sam seemed to make one last effort to get up.

**SAM**

Lockne looked almost amused when she found him. “And there I wanted to borrow my favourite kid the world,” she sighed.

Sam glanced at Lou who had fallen asleep while talking Higgs’ ear off. (Though Sam had his doubts about any of that getting through to Higgs.) There was no chance Lockne was going to get her anywhere right now, perhaps to bed but even that wasn’t certain, considering how she had latched onto Higgs like a new stuffed toy.

Raising her eyebrows, she asked, “you okay, Sam?”

“Like a fish in water,” he sighed and tried to make himself more comfortable in his current position. And when Lockne pointedly glanced at Higgs, probably recalling how he had extracted himself from her reunion hug. “I don’t know,” Sam grumbled, thinking that maybe things would overall worked better if not questioned. “Easiest way to grab him before he’s causing trouble?”

His words earned him a quiet amused chuckle. Lockne put her arms on her hips and studied them with an expression that Sam wasn’t sure what to make of.

“Well, let me know when she’s awake, I’m ready to take a break any moment,” Lockne replied. 

When she was gone Sam buried his face in his hands. “ _Fuck_ … me, you, that, everything…” But Higgs was fast asleep and didn’t even stir when Sam shifted him into a more comfortable position. “You’re terrible, you should know that,” he complained half-heartedly, hoping that Higgs slept as soundly and peacefully as it looked.

**HIGGS**

If it hadn’t been for the fever flooring him someone would have had to make sure Higgs would have been lying down. Fragile had often lamented his lack of self-preservation, but Higgs had never been good at gauging when he needed to stop. That was what Sam and Lou were for now, he figured, although he wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

There were a lot of things that Higgs didn’t know how to feel about, and the fact that Lockne had looked suspiciously relieved when he’d turned out to be just fine at the end of it. Almost as if she’d expected anything but a full recovery, and Higgs had been half inclined to remind her that as a repatriate he would always fully recover. Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i just really needed that scene with all three of them cuddling happening


	12. Leg Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a thank u to the kittens, they know what the title if abt
> 
> also this is the point where i have to admit to you that this story exists as one, single, ongoing document, and we're like in the 70s of pages here i think and _really_ , higgs, _really, this is not the time_ but look it would be rude to deprive you all of this when i had so much fun writing it, don't we all agree with that

**HIGGS**

Lockne’s concern as it had turned out had been more than justified, much to Higgs’ dissatisfaction. He’d ignored the rash, ignorant in his belief that it would vanish within a couple days but it had simply gotten worse and become redder and worse, till Sam had practically dragged him to Lockne's office.

The expression on her face had told him more than he wanted to know, and it reminded Higgs of the way she’d looked at him when she’d first explained his condition to him and later when she’d diagnosed the flu. And though he had no idea whatsoever was going on, Higgs knew that whatever conclusion she had come to now was the answer to all those moments.

“Sit down,” she ordered, but didn’t even wait for Higgs to move before she’d confined him to a chair and taken his blood. While her cufflinks beeped and worked she procured a spare pair from a nearby drawer. “These are yours now,” Lockne decided matter-of-factly. She had them around his wrist before either of them could object. “You’ll thank me,” she assured Sam quickly, and typed something into her cufflinks.

“Are you going to tell me what the fuck’s goin’ on?” Higgs grumbled. He was cradling his left arm close to his body, as though it did anything about the rash other than making him feel better.

“Well, it would be utmost unprofessional of me to give you a diagnosis without proper testing, but if my gut feeling is good enough for you, I am almost certain that your sis got a leg up,” Lockne replied distractedly as she attached her cufflinks to a machine that Higgs assumed would be able to analyse his blood.

“English please,” Higgs sighed. If the underlying pitch of alarm was anything to go by in Lockne’s tone Higgs wasn’t looking forward to anything that was going to come out of her mouth next.

“Short version: You have too much of your sister’s blood and now your body is attacking it,” Lockne turned to gesture at the reddened rash on his arm. “You’re lucky that Sam has some common sense because you don’t want to know just how bad this can get.”

Clawing his fingers into his arm, Higgs instinctively knew that she was right, although he didn’t quite know how to feel about it.

“If it’s any consolation you’re not contagious,” Lockne added, to which Higgs only responded by pulling a face.

If he was being honest, it was no consolation at all.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked, sparing Higgs the process of having to figure out how to demand that information without directly asking for it.

Lockne had left her terminal, only to return and connect her cufflinks to his. “Medicine,” she replied curtly, “meds and a small software update because I need yours to do a little more than it can right now.”

“I reckon I don’t get a say in this,” Higgs replied dryly.

With a sigh Lockne paused for the first time since the beginning of their conversation, visibly trying to force her spinning thoughts to a halt, if only for a brief moment, so that she could explain. “I do _not_ want this to get as bad as it could,” she stated. “So, I need your cufflinks to be smart enough to know when you need your meds before you do – you won’t even notice the injection,” she then assured him.

Higgs had a feeling Lockne hadn’t just had the necessary update lying around by accident, but the thought of her having that on hand for emergencies because of him just opened a bottomless pit in his stomach and made him glad to be already sitting. There was surely something to gleaned from it, but instead Higgs decided to focus on Lockne who appeared unusually tense, as if she was trying to hold back stress or panic.

“You’re going to be fine,” she said, although Higgs couldn’t say whether it was meant for him or herself, or Sam. Most likely all three of them.

If the expression on Sam’s face and the tightness of his shoulders was anything to go by Higgs guessed that he didn’t look half as calm as he felt, because admittedly the whole procedure with Lockne had felt quite surreal. All things considered, however, he likely wasn’t the best judge for it.

**

It wasn’t quite comparable to having the flu, but Higgs was starting to think that he preferred the flu to whatever the fuck his body was doing currently. Lockne had tried to give him a more in-depth explanation but it had largely failed because Higgs lacked the headspace to follow her explanations further than the basics.

What he hadn’t expected however, was for Lou to look so worried when he’d once again buried himself in a cocoon of blankets. And she had frowned with increased concern when his explanation to her had boiled down to his body and him being at daggers drawn. Which perhaps wasn’t the most accurate description but it certainly felt that way.

Admittedly, the rash was bothersome, but it was easier to handle than the general feeling of unease. And the nausea, which rendered him practically useless because about anything and everything seemed to set it off. Forcing him to stay within his cocoon of blankets, and utterly unable to appreciate the fact that Lou had decided herself to read her favourite books to him. Which would have been more fun if he had been feeling better since she could only make sense of about half the pages, so she made up for the gaps by filling them with whatever she fancied.

**

He must have fallen asleep because the next time he opened his eyes the room around him was dark. But there was Sam with him. Sighing with quiet contentment he burrowed himself in the surrounding warmth, enjoy the drowsy laziness that came from sleeping too long because he couldn’t quite feel the discomfort of his condition yet. Still, his body was weary and complained when he pulled himself up into an upright position. Realising that they were somewhere entirely different from where he’d fallen asleep. It was quieter, although Higgs couldn’t say whether that was because it was late at night or because Lou wasn’t around and he’d grown so used to her incessant chatter that he noticed her absence more than her presence.

“You shouldn’t get up,” he heard the Sam mumble sleepily but do very little to actually stop him.

“I’m starving.”

Sam snorted. “You’re always starving,” he commented and that wasn’t exactly a lie. He always ate as if he feared there would be nothing left tomorrow and the way Sam liked to put it, there likely wouldn’t be either way if he kept doing that.

“No, _I’m starving_ …” He reiterated. “I could eat a horse, _and_ a cow.” Unfortunately, Sam was also correct and he wouldn’t be getting anywhere in his current state because even sitting like this, the nausea and general unwellness of his body had been drawing on his resources. Imploringly he looked at Sam, who made an amused sound when he gave in and promised to back soon. Hungry, Higgs curled up under the blankets again till Sam returned. The nausea had kept him from eating, but his body insisted that he had to eat now, or he would regret it later.

Sam came back with a tray packed with enough for two, at least that was what Lockne had said, Higgs was informed while he wolfed down two sandwiches. Watching the weary but amused expression on Sam’s face who knew better than to expect Higgs to care how much one human should eat. Halfway through Lockne’s small mountain of food supplies his hunger had faded enough to slow down somewhat.

“Feeling better?” Sam asked with concern.

His chewing slowed a considerable amount. Higgs swallowed, picking at a pastry. Surprisingly he hadn’t had any nightmares, despite of how much crap his weak state had dragged to the surface. Eventually he nodded. He did feel better, despite the weariness he was still feeling. “Exhausted,” he admitted quietly. First the flu, now whatever the hell his body was trying to proof now and he hadn’t even had a moment to think about all that had happened. Not that he thought he’d ever get to it at this rate.

Now that his eyes had adjusted to the darkness and that he had eaten a considerable amount of food, because for once the nausea didn’t bother him, it was registering that they weren’t in Sam’s room either. Or his own for that matter. It looked more like the sick bay. Or part of it anyway. Higgs shifted to get more comfortable as he let his gaze slowly wander around.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he realised that he’d never actually been to one of these, which let loose a few more uncomfortable, mildly disturbing and certainly infuriating thoughts that he quickly pushed aside, because he didn’t want to spoil his mood with thoughts about his uncle. Or about Fragile, though Higgs couldn’t quite say what had brought her to mind. (She'd always cared for his wounds).

“Fragile,” he admitted quietly with an unhappy sigh when he caught Sam’s questioning glance.

“She partnered with Bridges–”

“Yeah, Lou mentioned something like that…” Higgs interrupted him.

But Sam saw through his attempts to change the subject, and observed the obvious. “You’ve been avoiding talking about her since we’ve picked you up.”

Higgs picked at the fabric covering his knee and maybe if he kept eating crumbs Sam would leave him be he figured, but he was granted no such luck. When he looked up from his hands Sam’s eyes were still fixed on him. Raising his brows Higgs wanted to compel him to elaborate on whatever was going on in his mind.

“Is it regret or do you really just not care?”

The corners of his mouth twitched, and though he couldn’t keep Sam from staring and silently demanding an answer, he did take a considerable amount of time to think about his reply. And at least Sam was granting it to him. “You really like asking the uncomfortable questions, don’t you?” Higgs replied dryly, pulling the corners of his mouth to the side. He found it rather unfair that Sam had to ask them now when his defences were partially down.

Sam raised a brow. “What were the others?”

“Why I kissed you? Can’t that just be a dumb thing that happened?” He tried to distract him from Fragile.

“It can,” Sam agreed. The way he said it that seemed to settle the matter for him. For now, at least and that was enough for Higgs, although he'd hoped to avoid Fragile for longer. He raised his brows again, silently inquiring an answer to his first question. Or maybe questioning that he’d called the kiss dumb. When it had been a lot of things but not dumb, but still better left undetermined right now.

“Not _dumb_ ,” Higgs rolled his eyes. “Y’know what I mean,” he grumbled. And Sam did seem to know. Just as well as he knew that Fragile was a sore subject. But that hadn’t stopped him from asking unfortunately. “I…” Higgs closed his eyes and took a quiet breath. “I don’t…” He sighed again. “I don’t _regret_ ,” the word felt heavy on his tongue, “the tar belt, or Middle Knot or South Knot One, and I don’t regret making her carry that bomb.”

Despite that Higgs' gaze shifted with uneasiness and came to rest on his hands that were holding an almost finished sandwich. Whoever had made it had clearly been given instruction by Sam on how to at least temporarily sate the black hole in his stomach. It was still worth a little smile.

“Didn’t think she’d really do it,” he admitted. He hadn’t thought she’d jump either. Truth be told Higgs hadn’t really expected anything from her. But he had to admit, quietly, to himself and nobody else, that it had been awfully brave of her to run through the timefall. Brave like she had always been. He’d kind of always liked that about her. Her almost heroic perseverance. More thoughtfully now he looked at Sam.

“I don’t _regret_ them because I would’ve done them to anyone else in that moment, just like you would’ve been replaceable…” It could have been anyone in Sam’s stead and he would have tried stopping them all the same, perhaps he would have made short shift out of someone else. Perhaps he wouldn’t have offered anyone a deal like he had Fragile. But that wasn't the point he tried to make here. “Besides, if I hadn’t _wanted to_ do these things I wouldn’t have…” Higgs muttered.

The timefall had worn away her skin like paper, wrinkled it within seconds but it had hardly made her any less breathtaking in the moment. In a mix of fascinated horror and awe Higgs hadn't been able to tear his eyes away. He’d watched her till she’d been out of sight, smothering any inkling of doubt that she wouldn't actually make it because if she was brave enough to run through timefall it felt kind of rude to believe the opposite. Besides dead people were a lot less fun to toy with. “I should have known…” He paused thoughtfully and picked at a pack of cookies till the packaging gave way and opened, realising that he didn’t know where he’d wanted to go with this.

There was one thing he did regret, but he didn’t want to dwell on it.

“You okay?” Sam asked when Higgs notably swayed.

“Jus’ tired,” he mumbled as he continued to stuff his face with cookies. The sugar helped. It didn’t make the dizziness go away completely, however it helped to settle him enough to think. “Why’re you askin’ ‘bout Fragile anyway?” He continued with a half-full mouth.

“She’s on her way here for a delivery.”

Well that explained it, Higgs thought. Sam wanted to stake out the parameters of what was going on before he faced her. Higgs made an understanding sound, although he was far less concerned than Sam could ever be. “ _Oh_ , that’s _why_ ,” he elaborated on his wordless comment dryly. He thought about it for a moment and then continued, “tell her whatever you want, I don’t really care.”

“You don’t want to see her?” Sam sounded a little too curious for his taste.

“I don’t think _she_ wants to see _me_ ,” ever, but he didn’t say that little word with too much meaning, but it was easily implied by his tone.

Sam looked unfazed. “Since when do you do what other people want you to?”

“Since it gets me food and a place to sleep and maybe a fuck buddy,” he replied with a charming smile and chuckled about the look on Sam’s face. The words had come out terribly unfiltered, but they had hit their mark unfailingly by the looks of it. Higgs grinned.

Setting the cookies aside and crawling towards Sam till they were too close for comfort. Sam’s comfort at least, Higgs figured. Leaning in close enough to feel Sam’s breath on his face when he continued speaking, lightly bumping their foreheads together. 

“I’ve wanted you since you crushed that catcher in Lake Knot,” his voice was a low growl but Sam didn’t budge, even when his teeth and lips raked over his chin and mouth hungrily.

Sam tensed, as expected when he kissed him, and then relaxed into it with no objections to the hands roaming over his chest and stomach till the found the hem of his shirt. God, he was warm and solid against the weariness he felt.

When Sam lifted his hands from the mattress and cradled his head in his hands, fingers carding through his hair, trailing down the sides of his face, and from over his shoulders down his back, drawing an appreciative sound from Higgs’ throat. His fingers trailed over the scar on Sam’s stomach, he was always intrigued by it and now was no exception.

Sam murmured something, which was likely a complaint about his health, but Higgs elected to ignore that, instead he studied Sam’s face, who balanced the weight of Higgs’ head against his forehead.

Sam had his hands firmly planted on his sides which was unfortunately to keep him at a passable distance under the current circumstances. Higgs grumbled quietly.

“Do I look like I care?” He asked, pressing his lips to Sam’s again before he could give an answer or a good look at his face. Grinning against his mouth when Sam’s breath hitched as his fingers hooked under the band of trousers.

Sam made a displeased sound and closed his eyes when Higgs’ fingers crawled further. But he stopped complaining entirely about his questionable decision when Higgs grazed his teeth along Sam’s neck he buried them with just enough force in the crook of his shoulder to leave a short-lived mark. Satisfied with how that made Sam hiss. Trying to ignore the familiar tingle under his skin, focused on getting Sam’s pants open and the taste of his skin under his tongue. It helped to keep him grounded, even when his body wanted to agree with Sam that rest was a way better option. Still glad when Sam hooked an arm around his waist to steady him. Not too glad when his other hand pulled him away from his neck, and with the way he distracted him with a kiss to catch one of his arms in a firm grasp that spoke much for itself. But it wasn’t that or the fact that the dizziness was slowly getting to him, that made him slow down.

Whenever Amelie had been around she’d left a lasting impression in the way she had made his skin tingle, it had become worse after she had bestowed her powers on him. Ever since then her stare had felt peculiar to Higgs. Like a kiss pressed to his skin where she was staring at him. And right now, he could feel the familiar pressure ghosting over his head. 

Higgs risked a glance into the dimly lit room. He was – for the most part – certain that it wasn’t Sam that caused the ghostly sensation.

“See, you–” Sam surely had wanted to tell him how very much of a bad idea this was, unless he had another twelve hours of sleep. But neither of them got to so much as finish the thoughts they were having before Amelie’s sharp voice cut through the air.

“There you are, you little shit!” She hissed half in fury, half in exasperation.

Higgs couldn’t help but gape a little while his eyes and brain registered her presence almost as if in slow motion. All the while Sam seemed to grow uncomfortably aware of their predicament because he was working on getting them out of it, but only halfway successful because Higgs leisurely laid his arms over his shoulders instead. “Hi,” he drawled, leaning his head against Sam’s, “your brother’s hot,” Higgs grinned, gently placing his teeth on Sam’s ear and giving it a meaningful tug.

He allowed Sam to gather him compactly curled into his arms, allowing the weariness to take over when he made himself comfortable on his lap and closed his eyes half-way but never letting them leave Amelie whose steps were punctuated by the click of her heels. A small grin showed on his face. Higgs closed his eyes; he was starting to feel the exhaustion now that she had broken the spell.

An apologetic sigh left her lips. “Sam, I’m so sorry, I should have known he would come looking for you,” she said. Amelie's heels clicked and her dress rustled, and when his eyes blinked open for a moment he saw her crouching next to them. All blond hair and bright eyes; there was a little crease in her forehead that showed her concern. “You have to believe me, Sam, it was an accident, he was _so_ …” The aggravated sound from her throat was accompanied by the rustle of clothes and clicking heels, indicating that she had gotten up to make her frustration known with a like-minded gesture. Amelie shook her head, when he blinked his eyes open once more.

Higgs weighed his options. He didn’t want to miss the conversation, but sleep was seeming more and more preferable to him. 

When he pressed his face into the front of Sam’s shoulder Amelie continued. “He was aggravating, Sam, I just wanted him gone, just for a little while.”

 _How selfish_ , Higgs mused wearily, but she also sounded a little guilty.

“I didn’t know…” In the image in his head Amelie was fumbling with her quipu as she was pacing up and down the space in front of the bed. “He wasn’t supposed to repatriate.” Her words etched themselves uncomfortably into his brain while he thought about grabbing onto Sam but couldn’t find the necessary energy for it left so all he could do was think about it and stare into the darkness of Sam’s shoulder in the moments he kept his eyes open.

A soft breeze of air told him that Amelie had stepped closer again. She placed a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder and Higgs wanted to shake it off, but Amelie remained undeterred when he tried so all he could do was conjure a menacing hiss from the depth of his throat. Her nails dug softly into his skin, raising his heartbeat by an anxious skip. If she wanted to she would surely find a way to drag him back to the Beach again.

“Let me right this, Sam,” she spoke softly, turning Higgs’ stomach over in quiet panic. There was nothing he could do to stop her if Sam didn’t, and he didn’t rate his chances all that high.

“I’m not going,” Higgs growled, raising his head from where he’d buried it ins Sam’s shoulder. Well aware, that he wouldn’t be able to put up a fight every step of the way, but unwilling to simply give in to her demand anyway.

Unfortunately, Amelie ignored him. To which Higgs responded with a guttural growl, still she didn’t even look at him when she spoke to Sam. “I can take him back, _it’s okay_ , I’ll take care of the rest, you’ve done _more_ than enough,” she tried to reason.

Fortunately, Sam had no problem deciding for himself.

“No.”

Even though Higgs was sure that the situation must’ve made him uncomfortable to begin with. But his arm stayed where it was and Amelie’s hand was replaced by Sam’s smoothing the fabric of his shirt. “He was never supposed to be your responsibility to begin with.” And then quieter he added, “I promised Fragile last time – but not _this time_ , now I get to decide and you’re not getting him.” Sam words raised an eerie quiet in the aftermath. Enough for Higgs to want to know what was going on, but his head wouldn’t comply and he could only vaguely make up Amelie’s anger in the air. He could almost see her face in his mind. The way she pressed her lips into a thin line and pretended to be only mildly irritated, trying to treat Sam like a child that couldn’t see the bigger picture like she had with him. “You didn’t want him on the Beach anymore – he isn’t, it’s not your call anymore now. I decide what happens now.” His words were spoken unexpectedly sharp and clearly not what Amelie had wanted to hear.

There was more silence, Amelie said something but Higgs had stopped paying attention her, because he was too busy letting it sink in that Sam didn’t want him to leave. At the very least he didn’t want him locked away on Amelie’s Beach.

When she spoke Amelie’s, voice sounded eerily soft and not at all like he should be following her anywhere. If he had been in any condition to tell her as much he would have done so without a second thought. Glad that he hadn’t been left alone with her. His stomachs still revolted at the clutches of helplessness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've primarily wrote all this at work to look busy and entertain myself, it is meant to be lighthearted fun, so to see how happy this story makes people, makes me incredibly happy because that's exactly what it was always supposed to do *hearts*
> 
> higgs still has the best lines, doesn't he?


	13. Apology Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lou knows exactly how to mend higgs' & fragile's relationship and we are not gonna tell her no

**HIGGS**

Eventually Amelie had left.

Higgs wasn’t sure whether he had simply fallen asleep or passed out because his body had made the decision for him, but when he opened his eyes again Amelie was gone. He felt a little better than the last time he’d woken up, still curled up in the crook of Sam’s arm. Somewhat dizzy he managed to sit up and scoured the nearby surfaces for something to drink, downing two cans of Sam’s favourite energy drink before he found a large bottle of water and stilled the remainder of his thirst with that. Feeling much better for it. Better but still tired Higgs crawled back into the crook of Sam’s arm and closed his eyes again. Feeling better for it almost immediately. Despite the weakness of his body and despite Amelie and despite the fact that the worst didn’t seem to be over.

The next time he woke up the room was bright and empty, and though it was hard to tell the time without seeing the sky he figured it was morning.

Higgs felt like he’d slept for half an eternity and at least half a day. On the makeshift nightstand there was a glass with cryptobiotes and a new water bottle next to a plate of breakfast. Not nearly enough as Higgs’ growling stomach informed him, but it would have to do – besides, it was better than nothing.

He grabbed the glass jar, eyeing its contents and pulled a face. There was nothing that would convince him to eat them unless he had no other option.

Just because he could eat anything didn’t mean he didn’t have preferences.

So he put them back, grabbed the plate of food instead and emptied most of the water bottle. Then and only then did he crawl out of bed. Carefully setting his legs onto the floor and testing out how they carried his weight, but he wasn’t as exhausted anymore and he managed to stand without any difficulties or complaints from his body.

Higgs decided to count that as a win.

Curiously Higgs eyes his surroundings. It was the first time he really got to see the room they had stuck him in and since there was nobody to supervise him he promptly decided to inspect it. There was quite a lot to see, and the cabinets and drawers suggested that the room usually wasn’t used for patients.

He should probably thank Lockne, Higgs thought. Though he wasn’t certain how necessary it was to keep him away from everyone.

He’d set his sights on a nearby table which someone had recently used as a desk but before he could get there the mirror caught his eye. It had been awfully long since the last time he’d taken a long hard, judging look into the mirror.

Higgs generally avoided them and when he couldn’t avoid them he tried to get away with covering his face so he didn’t have to see it the whole time. But someone had taken his cloak – most likely Sam, perhaps Lockne, but more likely Sam – and if Higgs had to hazard a guess he figured it had wandered straight into the next laundry basket. He couldn’t even fault Sam for it, since he never parted with it unless he absolutely had to especially since he’d come back from the Beach. Like Lou with her favourite blanket.

Absent-mindedly Higgs ran his fingers through his short beard, because he had neglected shaving in favour of resting. He could probably get away with leaving it as is for the moment, but he should probably get to it before he was going to start looking like a hermit.

Carefully he managed to draw his eyes away from his hand, then his chin, upwards to his nose and his cheekbones and eventually his eyes, and the parts of the equation that mimicked his eyebrows now. Higgs brushed a few strands out of his face and traced the scars on his forehead every so lightly with his finger. They weren’t actually helping about making him feel better about looking in the mirror – which, just because it needed saying, Higgs knew very well wasn’t at all the mirrors fault. Yet that never made it easier not to want to punch his reflection into a million pieces the longer he stared at it. Because the longer he stared, the less he could see anything else but him.

The thought alone was enough to rattle Higgs and make him tense his shoulders.

For or better or worse he did look more like his mother, but maybe that was only because nobody had ever seen him standing next to his father and all that he had to go by were a few pictures that he had studied intensely over the long years of his childhood. He could recount all the things he had in common with him by heart. He had the same nose and the same big mouth, that had gotten into so much trouble as a kid and the same frown.

He could map out the similarities to his mother with just as accurate precision. The way his mouth curved when he smiled, that made them both look like a cat that got the cream at all times. Her eyes, because they were blue like his and the shape of her face and the colour of her hair. Higgs trailed a careful finger along an ash blond streak, so unlike anyone on his family pictures that he actually sort of liked it. The thought distracted him, if only momentarily from why he didn’t like to keep looking in the mirror.

It didn’t make him forget, but for a moment it didn’t matter at least that the line of his mouth when he didn’t smile reminded him more of his uncle than her. And that he couldn’t stand the way his eyes stared back at him or how he could see him in the way his shoulders tensed, could see long forgotten anger and sorrow in it. Or the way his jaw seemed to tense and tick exactly the same way when he got frustrated with himself and everything else in the world.

Higgs tore himself away from the mirror so he wouldn’t smash it. With tense shoulders and a clenched jaw, hugging himself he dug his nails into his upper arms and turned towards the table he’d wanted to inspect anyway. Unable to focus Higgs look through the folders and papers on the table, momentarily unexpectedly glad for the distraction they provided as well as the door provided him when it opened.

Within the same second that it did Lou let out an excited gasp and rushed towards him with such speed and determination that Higgs picked up her on sole reflex when she jumped at him.

“Your face! I can see your face!” She exclaimed gleefully as her small, warm child hands grabbed his face.

Her action took him so much by surprise that Higgs couldn’t do much more than to stare at her in sudden shock and freeze on the spot. As much as he wanted her to let go right this instant there was something absolutely fascinating about her delighted expression as she examined his face.

“Oooh, you have blue eyes just like dad and aunty Fragile and uncle Heartman!” Lou beamed. Running her hand over his forehead she examined the carving. “That looks so cool! Is that real? Did that hurt? Did somebody do that to you? Is that why you hide your face?” She leaned back in his grip, which Higgs barely managed to adjust to better hold her and scrutinised his face with all the seriousness she could muster. “I like your face,” she let him know her verdict with a happy smile. “It’s so nice to see it. I wish I could see it more often.”

Her hands remained on his face till Sam removed them, but not her, and brought life back into Higgs’ body. The brief brush of his fingers had him bury his face in Lou’s shirt, while he was sort of trying to convince her to reposition herself in his arms so he could better use her as a shield.

She giggled. “Are you embarrassed?”

Tried he might have but Higgs could still hear the amusement in Sam’s voice when he asked, “think you can  
hold out a while without your cloak?”

“Do I look like it?” Higgs grumbled, daring to sneak a glance past Lou, so that he could glare at Sam who  
appeared amused by that.

“You seem to have found a good substitute,” Sam shrugged and poked Lou’s side, who giggled in response.

She had wrapped her arms around Higgs’ head and was running her fingers through his hair. Commenting how she liked that it was two colours. Somehow that made him smile a little even though he was still trying to glare at Sam.

**

He’d eventually been allowed to released which Lou had immediately understood as that he was now free to play with her and although Higgs would have had other plans she had determinedly grabbed his hand and led to him her toys and books. So Higgs had spent the past few hours sitting on her bed, reading the same five books twice and thrice with Lou comfortably snuggled to his side and his toy self in her hands. – Because she still carried him everywhere.

Higgs allowed himself a quiet sigh when he noticed that Lou didn’t demand the story for a fourth or possibly fifth time (he’d kinda lost count). Instead she was thoughtfully staring at the closed cover.

“I can’t wait to see auntie Fragile,” she smiled, slumped down so her head was leaning against his side and he stretched her arms up playing with the figure she held. Making quiet sounds to illustrate that she was letting him fly through the air, or so it appeared.

Mildly amused Higgs watched her, hoping that maybe if he ignored her statement she wouldn’t bug him about it.

“Dad said it’s better not to talk about you with auntie Fragile. Dad said I shouldn’t pry…” Lou paused, thoughtless staring at the green figure in her hands. She tried to move her head to glance up at him. But even if she managed to see it there wasn’t much to read on his face since he had his cloak back. “Did you have a fight?”

Higgs glanced away and folded his arms. He didn’t want to talk, but instead of giving up Lou rolled onto her stomach and stretched her arms over his, looking up at him with her big bright eyes. “If you had a fight, you should apologise, otherwise she won’t know that you’re sorry,” Lou offered with one of those sweet smiles of her that looked like they were singularly capable of making the world better. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, you can write to her…!” Driven by a new idea Lou jumped up and off her bed to sprint across the room from where she retrieved some sheets of paper and her colouring pencils.

When she was back on her bed Lou sat cross-legged and pulled one of the larger books onto her lap to use as a drawing pad. And though Higgs did nothing more than to shoot her a glance when she immediately began drawing.

Her enthusiasm made him feel weirdly guilty but still he couldn’t find the energy to do at least a little doodling.

A simple letter wasn’t going to make better what he had done to Fragile. It wasn’t even remotely enough to begin to make up for what had happened between them.

Higgs had zoned out for better or for worse till he noticed Lou making little uncertain sounds. She was staring at the picture she had drawn and was hovering a green pencil undecidedly over it. Curious he came closer till he was sitting next to her again and could see that she had drawn both of them plus Toy Higgs, which brought an involuntary smile to his face. It was unfortunately just too adorable not to acknowledge.

“Can you help me write somethin’?” Lou muttered, her head lowered as if she wanted nobody to hear it. “I’m not very good at it… yet.”

Well, that was something he could help her with, Higgs decided. It was certainly easier than writing his own letter to Fragile. “Sure, whatcha writing?”

“All the stuff we do together,” she grinned. “We play, we read stories, you get me the cookies dad tries to hide  
from us–”

“Of course, I do, that’s just rude,” Higgs remarked.

“You get it,” Lou nodded. “You let me win too.”

“You can’t prove that.”

Lou giggled. “You doooooo,” she insisted but didn’t seem mad about it.

With a roll of his eyes Higgs picked up one of the remaining pencils and started writing Lou’s list in blue lettering, leaving enough space beneath each point for her to try on her own. Which she did happily.


	14. Higgs Tries Honesty and It Goes As Expected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we officially reached uncharted territroy, i've written the pages but i haven't staked out chapters

**SAM**

Fragile had become somewhat of a sight for sore eyes Sam had to admit. Just not this time around. 

“Is the little one not with you?” She asked with a little smile playing around her lips. Her greeting for him was always quiet, a little nod of acknowledgement, a small “hello Sam” as she kept her hands on her umbrella – which wasn’t really an umbrella but looked a lot like one so that was what he called it – till Sam approached her. 

“She’s being kept busy,” he assured her, wondering just how the hell he could tell her what the past few months of his life had been like. Wondering if she had noticed what had happened to the tar belt. Probably, Sam thought. Although he didn’t know how much anyone had told her. 

Fragile smirked. “I imagine it’s the other way around, she’s quite lively – and so smart.” 

Sam couldn’t keep the small grin from his face. Fragile didn’t even know how right she was, Higgs never got a say in Lou’s decisions unless she allowed it. What was miraculous though was that Higgs let it slide. 

Thoughtfully Sam regarded Fragile. He’d never been good at these things and perhaps it would be the best thing to get it out. “She’s excited to see you,” he said instead. 

And though she certainly had already noticed that something was on his mind she didn’t push. 

Sighing quietly Sam motioned her to follow him. He didn’t want to talk to her where so many people could hear them. “How’s working with Bridges?” He asked because there was no good way to tell her about Higgs. 

“Busy,” Fragile replied, a little amused. “I like it, busy is good,” she added. 

“Did you hear about the tar belt?” 

Fragile pressed her lips together to hide her grin. “Heard about it, oh I’ve heard about it, Die-Hardman hasn’t been able to shut up about it, why do you think I personally wanted to make this delivery, he’s been insufferable… though nobody keeps telling me what exactly it was that you did…” She mused, thoughtfully resting a finger on her chin as she glanced at him. Clearly hoping that Sam would enlighten her. 

“I blew it to bits,” Sam replied with a shrug. “With many bombs and many big kabooms. And way too much blood.” He grimaced at the thought, although it hadn’t really gone to waste it had certainly dented the supply he’d left Bridges with before he’d disappeared with Lou. Ever since his return Lockne had started working on gradually replenishing it. 

Scrutinising him for a moment Fragile shifted her umbrella, twirling it in her hand as she let the information sink in. Eventually she made a small sort of appreciative sound as if she didn’t quite condone the methods but could see how that might have solved the problem. “Not quite a sustainable solution for all of Bridges’ problems,” she commented. 

“Depends on who you ask,” Sam muttered to himself. Quite certain that Higgs would prefer to apply it to all problems presented to him. What concerned him more however was how much Lou seemed to be on board with that. They had recently laid waste to a number of snowmen with some of Mama’s bombs at the edge of the mountain where the snow began and Lou’s gleeful screeches had attracted a few stray porters in the area who certainly hadn’t been prepared to see a former Demens throwing grenades at an army of snowmen at the behest of an overjoyed child. 

With folded arms he was leading her through corridors that lead away from the public towards the office area with far less people, and those that were around too busy to pay them any mind. “It was Higgs’ idea,” Sam admitted after passing a small group of Bridges staff followed by a pair of guards which were making their rounds. 

“That’s no matter to joke about,” Fragile replied, eyeing him now with more care than before. “You’re not joking,” she realised when Sam met her gaze. 

Beyond the office area a level below where the scientist were holed up was Sam’s destination. “He’s here, Fragile,” he confirmed her unasked question quietly, carefully scrutinising her and trying not to break eye contact. He would have preferred the stair case but Fragile looked positively exhausted from her journey so instead he was heading for the elevator. 

Lockne had prepared a room for her down there close to her own, where she would be close to her lab and close to Sam and a flock of medical staff on hand who could be borrowed if needed, or wanted. 

“Thought you should know.” And that she ought to hear it from the person responsible for his presence here, Sam thought, but he didn’t tell her that. Perhaps Fragile could read it on his face anyway. 

Fragile pressed her lips into a thin line and attempted to keep her expression neutral, although her brows furrowed with something that looked like concern as much as anger. “Thank you…” It was for the honesty, Sam knew, and for nothing else. Gently Fragile touched his arm. 

“You can rest first if you want, and you don’t have to see him…” Sam added because he felt that it needed saying. 

Tight-lipped Fragile shook her head. “Take me to him,” she said quietly. 

**FRAGILE**

Sam hadn’t told her where they were going but that wasn’t really what Fragile was concerned about. Her skin was crawling uncomfortably with the thought of Higgs’ presence. Some part of her thought that she shouldn’t be surprised that he was here after all when she hadn’t been able to bring herself to kill him. And yet... 

Seeing him now wouldn’t do her any good other than bringing her some peace of mind about his whereabouts and what he was doing. “Sam, I thought Amelie had to give permission for someone to leave her Beach,” Fragile asked carefully, not at all in favour of the implications of her own words. 

“I don’t think she wanted to send him back,” Sam replied and stopped. “Higgs says himself that something didn’t go right.” 

There was more to be said about that but the words were stuck in Fragile’s throat as she was distracted by the realisation that they were atop a glass roof which showed a greenhouse beneath it with Higgs sitting on the floor between the trays that housed the plants. He’d surrounded himself with at least two dozens of them and was bent over a sketchbook. 

Sam snorted quietly, sounding oddly amused. “He’s been holed up in there since Lockne mentioned that it exists, I think humanity has become superfluous in a new way to him.” 

And though it was hidden Fragile could easily imagine the expression on Higgs’ face as she circled the image below her, trying to get a peek below the old, familiar cloak he still wore. He’d had it since before he’d joined the Demens, stripes included but then she hadn’t despised the sight of it. Of him. Now it only reminded her all the things he’d done to others and herself. 

“You’re not upset with him?” It was half an observation, half a question when she glanced back at Sam. 

“I’d prefer to be done with everything,” Sam admitted. It wasn’t the first time he’d told her something to that effect. “Besides he’s been a poster boy – as far as that’s within in his capabilities anyway – since he showed up.” 

The words were meant to reassure her and relieve her of some of the anxiety she felt, or maybe soften the edges of her fury, or maybe – knowing Sam – they were only meant to let her know the status quo, she could tell that. Unfortunately Sam didn’t quite succeed. “Thank you Sam,” she said anyway. 

“I’ll rest now. Talk later?” It was only a rhetoric question. “Tell Lockne and Lou I said hello.” With that she stepped from the glass ceiling and made her way towards her room so far from society despite the fact that they were in one of the bigger cities. 

**LOU**

Lou gasped delightedly when Higgs lifted her onto his shoulders to his best capabilities to better view the plants hanging from the ceiling. One of his arms didn’t go up all the way, but she was familiar enough with him by now to know when she had to climb and trust her own footing. Her legs were comfortably swinging over his shoulders were on one his hands rested on her leg to keep Lou steady as she reached out to touch the colourful flowers. 

It had red petals with a thin yellow lining on the edge of its petals with the colours blending in the lower half. “What’s it called?” She asked, carefully cradling it in her hands, just like her dad had shown her to handle fragile things. And flowers were fragile. 

“I think those are creeping lilies,” Higgs replied. She felt him shifting his weight and watched him trail his fingers over the flower she was holding. 

“Oooh.” Lou let go of the flower, carefully trailing a finger down the tendril it was attached to till she reached the next flower. “And that one?” She pointed at a pot that had lots of fuzzy-looking wine-red long caterpillar-like things hanging over its edge. 

“Foxtail amaranth!” Higgs announced surely. 

“What’s a fox?” Lou questioned when she ran her fingers giddily through the plants red foxtails. 

“Something with a red fuzzy tail obviously,” Higgs replied with a shrug. She could feel his shoulders move with the motion and giggled. 

“Bet uncle Heartman knows…” She mused, wiggling her feet. Without letting go of the foxtails she pointed at the plant in a third pot which looked funnily enough like a bunch of peas on a string. 

Huffing a sigh Higgs paused. “String-of-pearls,” he eventually said decidedly enough for Lou to be convinced that he wasn’t making it up. 

“String-of-peas.” 

“I wonder what they taste like…” 

“No, don’t eat that, you don’t know where it’s been,” Lou replied, moving his hand away when Higgs reached it for it. Decidedly keeping it away from the plant. Now it was Higgs who made a small amused sound, though he did nothing to stop her, much Lou’s satisfaction. 

She eventually decided on a pot full of small purple bellflowers to draw and once she had climbed from his shoulders carefully carried it back to where Higgs had gathered all his other subjects. Amused she asked, “what are you doin’?” When Higgs pushed her to sit in front of the plants he had collected. 

“You’re gonna draw that,” he pointed at her carefully picked potted-flower, “and I’m gonna draw you, drawing that,” he explained with a little grin. 

“ _Ooooh_ cool!” Lou’s eyes lit up at the idea of becoming part of his sketchbook and didn’t crawl away from where Higgs had placed her. She made herself comfortable and took her time positioning the potted plant perfectly in front of her before she started drawing. She’d watched Higgs draw plenty of time and tried to imitate his concentration, the way he crossed his legs and kept the sketchbook on one of his thighs. It looked so easy when he drew, Lou wasn’t really convinced it would ever be that easy for her but that didn’t stop her. Drawing was too much fun. 

Lost in concentration Lou hadn’t noticed how she’d stuck her tongue between her lips while she attempted to capture each individual flower after taking careful time to sketch the pot. Like she had seen Higgs do. First a sketch then the actual lines, although she hadn’t yet fully figured out what the use of that was when he seemed capable enough to draw without a sketch. She tried to do it anyway as best as she could. 

“Whatcha starin’ at?” She asked when she noticed his eyes lingering on her. There were times when he looked at her as if he’d just realised something rather sad that she couldn’t make sense of. 

Caught Higgs averted his eyes and returned his attention to his sketchbook. With the cloak always hanging over his face it was sometimes hard to read him, but over time she had figured out other tells, like the way his shoulders were hanging now and his pen idled in his hand there was clearly something on his mind. He was biting his lip. 

Without thinking about it Lou crawled from where she had been positioned to sit in front of him to marvel his sketch which already looked so pretty that she couldn’t imagine how he could possibly make it any better, though she was sure that by the time they were both done his drawing was nothing short of a masterpiece in her eyes. 

Looking up at his face now she could see it much better beneath his cloak and even a glint of blue in his eyes. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked, frowning up at him. 

“What…” Lou’s ears pricked up as the word quietly left Higgs’ mouth. He hardly ever asked her any questions and whenever he did he seemed oddly anxious, not at all as big and tall as he really was, which made it seem all the more special that he had one for her now. “What do you remember from when you were in that pod?” 

Her frown turned thoughtful and Lou slumped down onto his leg, staring holes into his shirt. Mulling over the fact that Higgs knew that she had been a Bridge Baby, but then again her dad had probably told him about it. And it wasn’t really a secret anyway. 

Which probably meant that her father trusted him. Which was a good thing, although Lou had her own opinions about Higgs and trust. “Not a lot,” she admitted eventually, pushing herself up on her arms which she kept on Higgs’ leg. 

What she couldn’t make sense of was why that question was important enough for him actually make a question out of it in the first place. “Dad says I was. Dad wouldn’t lie about that kinda stuff,” she added solemnly. “’S all fuzzy for me when I try to remember. – Why?” 

“’Cause I did some real bad things.” 

Lou couldn’t really see how that related to her, for all that he looked like her favourite toy – she grabbed it in the pocket of her shirt – she had never seen him before she had found him on that day outside their shelter. There was another thought on her mind now however. “Like… the bad thing you did to auntie Fragile?” She asked carefully, quite uncertain about whether she wanted an answer to that in the first place, feeling all sorts of things she couldn’t place so well rise in her chest but none of them particularly comfortable. Upsetting was about the best descriptor she had for what she was feeling. 

She didn’t see that he was nodding almost until he spoke. “And worse.” 

Wondering how he could be so seemingly calm about all of this when it upset her so much. “Did you hurt people?” 

Higgs mulled over that for a moment while Lou wondered how such a simple yes or no question could be so hard to answer. Wondering if he did feel sorry for what he had done. “Yeah,” Higgs admitted at last. “A lot of them. One day when you’re older I can show what’s left of my destruction… if you want.” 

Lou swallowed, biting her lip. Not quite sure how she felt about the prospect so she simply nodded, avoiding his gaze so she stared at his shirt again. “Did you hurt my dad?” The lack of answer to her question made her uncharacteristically anxious, realising that he had waited for her to look at him before he said anything. 

“Yeah, I sent two”, he lifted two fingers, “catchers after him… three actually…” Higgs glanced aside. “But the third one was special, kinda its own thing so let’s count it as a separate entity…” 

“Entity?” Lou questioned because focusing on that was easier while she was trying to process the rest of his words. 

“Another word for individual, creature, existence, being.” 

She nodded, still biting her lip. Now that the word made sense she could focus on the rest of his words again. “Is that why dad didn’t want to take you with us when I found you?” 

“Probably.” 

“Did you tell him you’re sorry? If you made a mistake you’re supposed to say you’re sorry,” Lou instructed. 

Refocussing her intentions made it a little easier to deal with all she had just been told, although it did nothing to better the situation. Upset she slumped down, letting her drawing slide to the floor along with the pencil she had held. She had a feeling Higgs wasn’t very good at social niceties and good manner, although he had always been rather nice. 

A little weird for an adult, but he’d played with her and read her stories and carried her on their way to Mountain Knot and he’d made sure her dad had come back safely from the tar belt that was no more. Lou sniffled and rubbed her eyes. 

“Why?” She asked quietly, staring at the pretty, tiny, purple bellflowers in front of her. Perhaps if she stared long enough at them, the world would start making sense again. 

There was no doubt in her mind about whether Higgs had told her truth or not. All things considered he didn’t have a reason to lie to her and he hadn’t had done that up until now either for all that she knew. So why should he now? “ _Why?_ ” She demanded, louder this time and glowered at him, almost sulking. “I don’t want you to hurt my dad, or auntie Fragile or… or _anyone!_ ” 

Something seemed to be going on, on his face under that stupid cloak that she wished gone so she could see him better, which was the least he could do for her right now Lou figured when Higgs didn’t reply again. 

“You won’t do it again!” She decided for him. Had to, if he wasn’t going to answer. “I won’t let you. I won’t play with you anymore if you do!” Determinedly Lou crawled into his lap so she could stare right into those blue eyes of his and he would have to see just how much his words had upset her. 

“I don’t think I will,” Higgs replied when she was just a hand’s from his face. 

“You think?” Lou said with strange bewilderment and frowned at him, wanting to look as serious as she could. Like her father did on the occasions where he had scolded her. 

“I think you know that,” Higgs replied in quiet earnest. 

Puffing her cheeks out in a huff Lou glared at him. Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean now. Although a part of her understood perfectly well that it simply just wasn’t that easy. Not with him. 

**FRAGILE**

The older she got the better she liked her, Fragile had decided when Lou had first started talking and more than just gibberish. She would never become a fan of babysitting, but it was hard enough not to like Lou at all. She was a cute little chatter-bug and though Fragile wouldn’t admit it to anyone, sometimes she reminded her of Higgs from way back when during his better days, with her incessant chatter when something excited her. 

Today she was unusually quiet. A quiet little mouse sitting cross-legged on the floor, toying with her favourite figure. Seeing her play with the little green plastic Higgs had taken some time to get used to, but at the very least it had only been a toy that wasn’t able to harm anyone. Unlike the real one… who had become a much more tangible problem, although, if Sam was to be believed, there was nothing to fear of him when it concerned Lou. 

“What do you have there, cupcake?” She asked when Lou pulled something from the pocket of her shirt. As she approached Fragile recognised that it was a picture she had drawn of herself and Higgs with her favourite toy. “For you,” Lou said quietly and showed her the picture, trying for a small smile. 

On the remaining free space on the right of the picture was a list in green and blue lettering, where two people had written the same bullet points in alternating colours. Fragile didn’t need to guess to recognise the neat handwriting in blue as unmistakably Higgs’. Which meant that the green underneath had to be Lou. She smiled softly. “That’s a lovely picture,” Fragile admitted because it was. 

“He draws much better,” Lou muttered. 

Fragile couldn’t help the little sigh as she sat with her and put the picture on her lap. “Is Higgs what’s on your mind?” She questioned carefully, not quite sure how to go about this with a child. 

“Dad says I shouldn’t bother you about it,” Lou mumbled, lowering her head as she picked at Toy Higgs’ missing hand. 

How very thoughtful of Sam, but that didn’t seem to make things better for Lou, Fragile thought and leaned into Lou’s field of vision. “You can talk to me, if you want to,” Fragile brushed a few strands of hair out of Lou’s face. “About anything and everything, even Higgs.” 

“I just don’t understand,” she blurted out and sighed deeply. “How can he be so nice to me when he was so mean to you and dad?” 

Taking a quiet but deep breath Fragile smoothed Lou’s hair back and studied her face. “Did he tell you what happened?” She spoke her words carefully, and Lou shook her head. 

“Only that he hurt you,” she admittedly quietly and visibly upset at the thought. “Really bad.” Sniffling quietly Lou took a deep breath. “I don’t remember, though – I feel like I should…” She shook her head and slumped against Fragile when she couldn’t make heads or tails out of it. 

Soothingly Fragile rubbed her back and ran her hand through Lou’s dark hair, till she found the words to continue speaking. “I think he’s telling you because it matters to him that you like him so much.” She tipped Lou’s chin up when she looked up at her at last. “Sometimes we tell the people we care about the worst we did, so we don’t have to hide anymore.” 

Wiping her eyes Lou frowned at her and made a thoughtful face. “I think I understand,” she said after a while. “Sort of… I don’t want him to hurt anyone though.” 

“Did he hurt anyone since he was with you and Sam?” 

Without missing a beat Lou shook her head. “He always let’s me win when we play terrorist an’ porters,” she admitted with a quiet, little giggle. “And I get to ride on his shoulders,” her face lit up a little more at that. “And he knows every plant I show him and he makes funny voices when he reads to me!” With each word her face was turning brighter, till she stopped came to a realisation. “I want things to stay like that…” Worried concern washed over her face as she leaned it against Fragile’s hand. 

She smiled at her. If there was someone in the universe for whom anything would turn out exactly the way she wished it, it would have to be Lou. If she was able to get Higgs to play with her and let her win, there was little out of reach for her, Fragile presumed. “I’m sure everything will be fine.” For you. But she didn’t tell her that. Instead Fragile only listened as Lou slowly slipped back into her happy incessant chatter that reminded her so much of Higgs. 


	15. Higgs, Fragile and Plants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry. this is overdue. enjoy!

**SAM**

For all that Higgs was concerned, he was living in the greenhouse now. Sam figured he would have to ask  
Lockne for a few more living decorations to take back home. Or seeds. Surely Higgs and Lou could be happily occupied with growing their own little plant friends.

Although Sam didn’t know where exactly Higgs had been camping out the past few days he knew in which place to look for. He only had to find the tiniest, most cramped space he could possibly fit himself into without accidentally cutting off the blood flow to one of his limbs and Higgs would be there. He’d been told by the scientists that frequented the greenhouse that the easiest way to find Higgs was to look for a large accumulation of plants outside of the trays they were supposed to sit on. Fortunately, Higgs either dutifully returned the plants to their original spot or at the very least he was willing to part with them when whoever was responsible showed up.

Sam found him in a makeshift blanket fort under one of the many large tray tables surrounded by dozens upon dozens of potted plants in all shapes and sizes. Amused Sam snorted. “Do I have to ask Lockne if you can take some with you when we leave?”

Dazed, Higgs looked up from his sketchbook. He’d been drawing nothing but plants for days and didn’t seem like he wanted to stop anytime soon. But despite it all he seemed uncharacteristically relaxed and it was only now that Sam’s question seemed to sink in, as his eyes started to glitter. “I want all of them!”

Sam snorted amused and motioned Higgs to leave his little nest. For a short while at least. “You need light just as much as they do,” he explained matter-of-factly when Higgs looked him up and down with too much doubt in his expression.

Higgs squinted at the bright greenhouse lights although they were already fading into dimmed evening lighting. “Got all the light I need,” he decidedly replied and idly shifted his weight.

“Fragile is here.” Sam had at some point decided that the easiest way of with dealing things that he didn’t know how to say was to get them out at all and then figure out where to go from there.

If he hadn’t known any better Sam would’ve said Higgs had flinched, as if caught in some precarious situation.

“You told Lou, didn’t she?”

“I told her I hurt her and sent catchers after you…” Higgs replied carefully. Both hands disappeared beneath his cloak as he ran them through his hair. The action pushed it back, just enough to get a better look at his confused and troubled expression. He even seemed a little concerned. “It wasn’t a lie,” he clarified, with an expression that said he wasn’t sure if it had been the right thing to do after all.

Admittedly, it wasn’t what Sam had expected, but neither did it seem to be what Higgs had expected of himself. “Why?” Sam questioned, quite frankly because he couldn’t fathom a reason for why Higgs would prefer honesty to making himself look good in Lou’s eyes when he’d had the benefit of her not remembering most of what had happened, if at all.

His question made Higgs pause, visibly thoughtful, in response. Eventually he shrugged without offering anything else for an answer.

Sam sighed quietly. He had a feeling that Higgs knew very well why he’d tried to tell Lou the truth despite how much it had upset her, but he obviously wasn’t going to tell him. “Suit yourself.”

Higgs feigned obliviousness in response to his statement. Just like he avoided Fragile when Sam tried to bring her up again.

**HIGGS**

_Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me. Fragile, forget you ever met me._

He’d filled a page, then another, then written over the first page, then over the second, till he could barely make out the words anymore, till they seemed to stop making sense and all that was left of them was a gnawing feeling inside of his chest that just wouldn’t let go.

He’d written them before, on the wall of his bunker and now just like then it was because he had to get them out of his system.

It was for the best if she did. The best for her, or the best for him, Higgs wasn’t sure which of the two was true, but it was either of those.

He hadn’t been trying to avoid her. He really hadn’t. Trying to avoid her would have meant going out of his way to do things so she might not cross his path, and that was something he hadn’t done.

Lockne had resumed her lessons about the universe on the nights he couldn’t sleep and eventually given her permission for him to sit in her laboratory with the planetarium on even when she wasn’t around. It was what he was doing right now. Sitting on the floor and idly watching the stars and planets spin around the room, hoping they might put him to sleep. But no such luck so far.

The open page on his notebook was almost black with writing.

**FRAGILE**

Fragile wasn’t sure if Higgs was actively avoiding her or simply not making the effort to seek her out, which was a bit of a blessing and a curse in and of itself. She’d somewhat hoped the universe would take care of this for her, but it seemed she needed to take matters into her own hands.

It was one thing to know Higgs was around, another to make the decision to go see him. It was what she had come here to do after all. To see for herself what had only been rumoured about in her presence so far.

And while Sam had shown her in his own way that Higgs wasn’t simply a mirage, it wasn’t enough. When she’d left him on the Beach that had ended one chapter between them, temporarily. Temporarily, in the sense that she’d hoped she wouldn’t have to deal with him again in this lifetime. Life, evidently, had had other plans, Fragile thought grimly, staring into the dark of her room warily.

There was a company that depended on her, but the idea of leaving and not having in any way resolved the situation with Higgs for herself didn’t sit right with her. Not when he was right under her nose and she couldn’t shake the feeling of needing to see him at least once.

**HIGGS**

She didn’t wear her uniform, but she’d kept the umbrella – out of habit he guessed. That was the first thing he noticed. She didn’t wear as little as she had when he’d sent her out into the timefall but her white top and the pants which stopped short of the middle of her thighs showed off enough to paint the picture of how beautiful she had been before the timefall had gotten to her. No, Higgs had to correct himself, as he studied her silently, trying to keep his expression even, she still had that graceful beauty that was, and always had been, her own, he’d just ruined her skin.

All things else considered she was still exactly like when he’d first met her. At least from what he could see.

Easily balancing the umbrella against her shoulder Fragile stopped just an arm’s length away from him. She was  
barefoot and hadn’t made a particular effort to look like anything but herself, but there was a cold determination to her eyes that gave Higgs pause.

He knew that look well. Fragile had set her mind to something and it was up to him to figure out what this was about. Not that she wouldn’t tell him, unless he frustrated her enough, but Higgs didn’t feel like putting effort into that, when it was so obvious after all. She wanted him to look at what he’d done and who was he to argue with her.

It had been a while since, but he’d gotten quite the view on the damage the timefall had been causing while she’d run through the rain. But never up close like this.

Higgs couldn’t keep himself from frowning as he scrutinised her familiar figure. With or without the suit he’d recognise her everywhere. Fragile had long since become someone he’d committed to memory.

“I see you’re still the same,” she mused quietly as she knelt down. “Still need a mask to hide behind.” The way  
she said it, it seemed to answer all the questions she’d come here with.

A part of him wanted to protest, but Higgs couldn’t think of much of a reason for that. He didn’t have any plans to continue where he’d left off with her before he’d betrayed her. Altruism wasn’t really his kind of thing.  
Something like nuking the tar belt for his own and Sam’s benefit was kind of more of what he had in mind when it came to these things. Community was another matter, but if all he had to deal with were Sam and Lou he could handle that long-term. Maybe Lockne too.

Fragile was still crouching in front of where he’d been hiding among the plants. It painted a pretty picture, he should probably draw it later, Higgs thought absent-mindedly, as he tried commit her image as it was now to memory. Her fingers were curled around the handle of her Not-Umbrella. He still remembered how unexpectedly warm her hand had been when she’d touched his face on the Beach.

“I won’t tell you to behave yourself with Lou, or else,” she continued quietly after having sufficiently studied his  
face, as far as that was possible with the cloak hiding it. “I trust Sam.”

“You don’t trust me,” Higgs taunted nonchalantly without having fully thought his action through.

“Which is your own fault,” Fragile retorted sharply.

Higgs snorted. He hadn’t expected to get anywhere with it, although he couldn’t say why she didn’t leave either. If her only intention was to guilt-trip him with what he had done, it didn’t technically require his full attention like this. Hovering in his peripheral vision would have been more than enough, but he didn’t tell her that. This close it was easier to just focus on her face, but he could only go so long with ignoring the gnawing in his chest either way.

Eventually Higgs lowered his gaze to her shoulders and chest, hovered along her collarbones and sort of dropped to her hands and knees. It had been so easy to do that to her. “You should have looked the other way,” he muttered. He should have never worked with her, but it was more than too late for that now.

“I couldn’t stand by and watch other’s die, I thought you knew that.” Fragile’s tone was mildly accusatory and  
primarily bitter.

“I knew that,” Higgs parroted. He’d known everything he’d needed to, when he’d caught her. That she hadn’t figured out that he’d tailored the trap just for her apparently hadn’t occurred to her. His gaze focused on the ground between them, then on his sketchbook which was mostly green these days with all the plants he put on its pages. Lou’s words were in the back of his head, but it wasn’t as simple as saying sorry.

“You forget,” Fragile’s soft voice told him, “I also know you.” As she spoke she reached out and pushed the  
cloak from his head.

His field of vision expanded without the fabric hanging over his head and it made the light behind her feel just a little brighter. It made him feel exposed and when he looked up to meet her eyes he could see that it had been exactly her intention. An eye for an eye. With tense shoulders Higgs fought the urge to pull the cloak back over his head. If there was any person in the world who shouldn’t make him want to do that it was her, but instinct was hard to fight and right now Fragile’s presence wasn’t as comforting as it once had been.

“I’m here for myself, _not_ for you.”There was more to it than she told him, but Higgs had a feeling he wasn’t going to find out this time around.

“Then you know that I’d do it all over again.”

“I may not be able to bring myself to kill you, but I can assure you, you won’t ever get the chance,” Fragile replied, her soft voice suddenly colder. But she’d rather not, Higgs could tell that without her saying those words.

She’d rather not.

**LOU**

Lou puffed up her cheeks, pouting. “You didn’t tell auntie Fragile you’re sorry,” she huffed. Distracting Higgs from his drawing.

“It’s not as simple as saying sorry,” he replied. Not quite sure if she understood what that meant.

“She still gotta know,” Lou insisted with all her five-year-old might, which was something that Higgs found terribly hard to argue with.

Just because it didn’t fix everything, didn’t mean an apology wouldn’t do any good. It was sound logic. But he wouldn’t know what to write or say, even if he tried. “I guess…” He sighed and buried his face in his hands.

**SAM**

Sam figured that it was a good thing they had the greenhouses, otherwise Higgs would go up the walls or camp somewhere at the entrance above ground, when he felt cooped up. Which was often. It was easy to tell after spending so many months with him. Back at his shelter, Higgs had been able to go outside whenever he wanted, but here in Mountain Knot, without the ability to jump, he’d started pacing around the halls, restless and easily aggravated till he found plants. Which explained why he hadn’t wanted to leave the greenhouse for the longest time, and it was about the only thing that made him reasonable again in those moods. Which was to say that he’d become a rare sight outside the greenhouse for Sam.

He appreciated to have time for himself, but it was also a little weird, after he’d gotten so used to Higgs’  
presence and his lack of understanding for personal space.

Higgs was where he always was. Hiding under one of the tables in the back with a cluster of plants surrounding him. With furrowed brows he was scribbling in the margin of his sketchbook, the corners of his mouth pulled slightly downwards. “Don’t tell me you’re taking Lou’s advice to heart?”

Startled from his thoughts Higgs flinched at his words, but quickly gathered himself again. Quick like someone who was used to hiding whether these things got to him. He glowered for a moment then seemed to think better of it and pulled his legs up to hide what he’d been writing and drawing.

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” Sam muttered, and they both fell into a strangely friendly silence for a while, while Sam made himself comfortable at the entrance of Higgs’ lair. “I’m not being condescending, apology letters just don’t seem to be your thing,” Sam clarified.

Higgs pulled a grimace. “I don’t think me ‘n Fragile are in apology letter territory,” he said, pointing out the obvious.

Sam snorted quietly, “I think she’d appreciate it anyway, c’mon it’d be sweet.”

“I’m not sweet,” Higgs grumbled and glared at the sketchbook on his lap. Although he knew what kind of point Sam was trying to make. Fragile didn’t even expect the bare minimum of him at this point. (Not that he knew what exactly that was anyway). So whatever he did, would already be more than Fragile expected of him.


	16. Dandelions and Snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fragile gets a present and higgs gets trapped in the cold for the unforeseeable future

**HIGGS**

He hadn’t asked anyone if he was allowed to have the plant, but there were plenty more just like it so he figured it was alright in the greater scheme of things. Also, it inherently made the whole thing more like him.

Higgs had carried the plant like a rare valuable and considering what it was meant to be, it kind of was. He’d picked a small pot with a cluster of short yellow flowers, for the very simple reason that they managed to grow almost everywhere much to the scientists’ dismay who attempted to keep them contained.

Fragile looked a little surprised and more than anything wary that he’d come to see her. Higgs could see it in the way her shoulder’s tensed even before he pressed the pot into her hands because he didn’t really know what else to do with it, but unable to bring himself to withdraw his own right away. “It’s yours,” he added quietly, then quickly retracting his hands when they brushed hers – warm and soft, despite everything - before he would be utterly unable to do so.

“Dandelions,” Fragile observed. Her fingers gently touched the soft yellow flowers.

“They’re incredibly enduring and can grow almost everywhere,” Higgs added, finding it harder to speak than he’d imagined. Anxiously his rib cage tightened, making it hard for him to focus, so he stared at the flower between them.

Gingerly, Fragile turned the flower pot in her hands. She frowned a little although not displeased. “I’m not forgiving you…” she said, her eyes piercing him.

“I’m not asking for that,” Higgs scoffed and folded his arms, glad to be rid of the flower pot despite the fact that he’d handled it with kid gloves because of its importance. Frowning, Higgs studied his boots because that was a lot easier than facing Fragile right now. He glanced up briefly because he could feel her stare lingering on him but didn’t manage to withstand it. “That’s not what this is about anyway.”

Fragile hummed quietly and took her eyes off him, Higgs guessed it was to examine the dandelion. When he glanced at her she was gently tracing her finger over the flowers and leaves and though she didn’t say anything he could tell that she liked it.

He couldn’t undo what he’d done, just like damage the timefall had done to her couldn’t be undone. An apology couldn’t undo it either, he wasn’t even particularly sure if it helped any or if she wanted to hear it, but it felt worth trying to build with what remained. Just like a dandelion sprouting in between the rubble of concrete.

“Was that Lou’s idea?”

“No, she wanted me to write you a real letter.”

Fragile snorted quietly, even she seemingly couldn’t see him doing that. Silence stretched on between them, until Fragile eventually said, “I’ll allow you to exist within the same space as me.” Whatever else was on her mind she left out.

“How very kind of you,” Higgs couldn’t help a little grin.

“I like the dandelion better than you.”

“God, I hope so,” Higgs snorted. This time even Fragile almost smiled.

**

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” Lockne asked, while she fitted a little cuff around his wrist. It performed far fewer functions than Bridges’ standard cufflinks but that wasn’t what they were for anyway.

Higgs rubbed his thumb along the line of the cuff and examined the display. “Are you sure Sam won’t make a fuss about this?” It was a rhetoric question, of course. If Sam hadn’t agreed to it, he would here now chewing Lockne out over not giving away his location to the UCA.

Gently she patted his arm and said, “Die-Hardman will give me more trouble about this than Sam ever could.”

Higgs snorted amused, he liked the idea of causing trouble for the President with his absence more than his presence. It was a strange shift in how things were happening, but he liked it. “I’ll send him my regards,” he snickered.

“Do your regards explode?”

“Possibly.”

“Please. Do. Not.” Lockne replied dryly. “And if you’re pulling my leg I don’t appreciate it either,” she said placing her arms on her hips. “I’ve made it to so that it only gives me your location if you are potentially dying,”

“How very kind of you,” Higgs replied and eyed the cuff on his arm with suspicion for the first time. The little display showed no more than a little diagram in the same red and blue she had used for her initial explanation. “Mona’s behaving though,” he observed. Giving his sister a name had seemed like the easiest solution for talking about her when it came to it.

Lockne’s mouth quirked into a smile. “Mona? Well... I’ve been keeping an eye on you,” she confirmed. “It’s not very far from here to Heartman so you should be fine up there, but I’ve packed some meds for you just in case. Give him my regards when you see him.”

At the thought of having to go out into the cold again Higgs pulled a face. He was looking forward to moving back to Sam’s shelter where the weather was warmer and he didn’t have to fear death by frost. However, Higgs had grown rather curious when Sam and Lockne had told him about Heartman’s research subject. The Beach had always fascinated him, unfortunately Fragile was now his only way to get to it without repatriation and she likely wouldn’t take him if he asked, so this was the closest he would get to it without her.

**

Lou was ecstatic about the snow. She had run ahead and exhausted herself momentarily on their way up the slop which shielded Mountain Knot from the harsh temperatures of the mountains behind it. On their way up Sam had carried her. On their way down Higgs had done so because it was easier on his arm. The lack of upward range was a troublesome thing when he also had to carry a small child.

All three of them were cold to varying degrees when they reached Heartman’s lab. With a relieved sigh Higgs sank down in front of the fire. Artificial or not, it made him feel better and a little warmer by default.

For the first few moments, Higgs was so captivated by the fire and the warmth that was seeping back into his freezing bones that he didn’t even take note of Heartman’s obvious absence. If anything he found they were given way too little time at the fireplace before Sam tapped his shoulder and motioned him to follow him down the hallway where a door had just opened.

Reluctantly he got up and trudged after Sam, while Lou dashed ahead, and from what he guessed immediately landed in Heartman’s arms, where she still was when they entered.

Heartman wasn’t exactly what Higgs had imagined, but then again if it weren’t for Lou he wouldn’t even be here in the first place.

Awkwardly Higgs stood in the doorway as Heartman greeted Sam, while he tried to rub the cold from his arms. Right next to the entrance was an incredibly life-like BT model. More than that he had it in the first place, Higgs was astounded by the detail of it. Glancing over at Heartman to check if he was still busy Higgs carefully reached out a gloved finger to touch the model’s torso. It was unexpectedly firm to the touch, unlike the real thing.

As he let his gaze wander around he saw several more BT models and a hug skeletal something hanging from the ceiling, clearly it was an animal but he couldn’t tell which kind with only the bones to look at. There were also shelves upon shelves of books and movies, and in the middle of it all, all the strange curiosities, the books and movies, there was a rather normal looking scientist.

Higgs studied him with folded arms, when all of a sudden a hand shot out at him and kind of startled him. “You must be Higgs, very nice to put a face to the name.”

Higgs huffed, sounding almost amused when he said, “well, that’s a first.”

“Lockne told me some rather interesting things about you.”

“I’m not becoming your science project,” Higgs retorted.

Sam smirked, “give him pizza and he’ll let you do whatever you want.” Lou giggled, while Heartman looked genuinely intrigued. “Or maybe a thermal blanket…” Sam teased. Higgs responded with a light shove.

**

Heartman, as Higgs had found out was a human full of scientific curiosity and heart attacks. Primarily the latter, and while he’d flinched the first few times he’d dropped onto the floor mid-conversation, he’d slowly grown used to it. The explanation had helped, but that didn’t mean he was fully prepared for it to happen when it did. Unfortunately, Sam had decided that it was rude for him to hover over Heartman’s dead body when he was out for those three minutes, but it was one of the most fascinating things Higgs had seen since he’d come back from Amelie’s Beach and he couldn’t quite keep himself from doing it.

So now he only watched from afar over the edge of his book. He’d seen plenty of dead people, most of them he’d caused himself and even more he’d turned into dust and BTs, but never had he met someone like Heartman. And the only time he’d ever really been around a corpse had been after he’d killed his uncle. The realisation was strange and Higgs didn’t quite know what to do with it so he just kept watching Heartman’s body whenever he went to the Beach and subsequently returned to the world of the living.

How lucky he’d been, Higgs caught himself thinking, that daddy dearest hadn’t been a repatriate like himself. He’d kept his body a whole day. The damn bastard could have come back to life in that time. It was, unfortunately, a reoccurring thought that he didn't want to explore.

Lou was outside, building snowmen with Sam, but Higgs didn’t want to set a single foot out into the icy cold. Truth be told Heartman only had escaped his grasp because of the location of his home.

He watched as a tiny jolt when through Heartman’s body. Soon after that the other was awake and up on his legs again. It looked so much less exhausting than repatriation. Though he wasn’t so sure if Heartman’s heart felt the same.

“Where are Sam and Lou?” Heartman asked, while Higgs was still pretending to hide behind the book he’d picked up earlier.

“Outside,” Higgs replied, watching carefully as Heartman stepped closer. “Snowmen,” he clarified, just in case that hadn’t been enough.

“Can you still visit your Beach?”

Higgs’ brows knitted together. “No,” he admitted reluctantly. His eyes fell onto the pages of the book in an attempt to better hide himself. Of course repatriation would send him there, but it didn’t count in Higgs’ eyes as it wasn’t a voluntary visit and he didn’t have any influence on his stay. As soon as it was time to go back the tide would sweep him away again.

Heartman drew out a thoughtful hum.

“Fragile won’t take me in a million years,” Higgs muttered. Just in case it was what Heartman was wondering about. But Heartman waved his head dismissively.

“That’s not it,” he replied. “I was wondering about your erm… twin,” Heartman clarified as he studied Higgs. “I wonder if it influences your Beach.”

Now it was Higgs turn to study Heartman, he let his book sink onto his lap. He thought about the last time he’d visited his Beach, but it felt so far away as if it had been years instead of months since he’d been able to jump on his own. “I don’t know,” Higgs admitted thoughtfully. He’d never really paid any attention to what should and shouldn’t be there or how it should and shouldn't function, especially after Amelie's power boost, although Fragile’s Beach had never been as cluttered as his own. But then again Higgs appreciated a good shelter, not necessarily from the timefall, more because he liked to hide.

Heartman’s eyes glinted curiously. “Would you like to find out?”

“How? You don’t have control over where you go, do you?”

“No,” Heartman agreed, “but Fragile might agree to take me there.” Which admittedly was a reasonable idea, given that she wouldn’t have to deal with him directly, although Higgs couldn’t say whether she would like to visit his Beach with anyone regardless of who it was and their reason why.

His expression must have shown his doubt because Heartman’s confidence wavered for a moment before he simply said, “I’ll just have to ask, won’t I?”

A snowball landing on the window caught their attention and Higgs caught a glimpse of Lou running behind a timefall shelter with a laugh on her lips.

“Do you–” Heartman didn’t even get to finish his question before Higgs interrupted him.

“I’m cold just looking at them,” Higgs said with a shudder and pulled his arms close to his chest.

Heartman couldn’t suppress the quiet laugh, but Higgs glared mostly out of habit. “You should have a snowball fight at least once in your life, I think.”

Unconvinced Higgs made a dissatisfied sound. “Nooo…” he grumbled and let himself fall back against the couch, covering his face with the book he hadn't let go of.

**SAM**

Sam hadn’t really thought about it since their first trip into the mountains when they had been on their way to the tar belt, but then he’d been busy with dragging Higgs through the mountains before he froze into a human popsicle because he refused to move. That and the question had felt too personal for a long time.

Sam had always avoided climbing whenever possible, not so much because it bothered him, but because he disliked ending up on a mountain with no way down the other side. Higgs had never commented on it, most likely too distracted by the cold to notice anything else. And admittedly, Sam had never really watched Higgs climb back then, but given his height Sam hadn’t exactly thought Higgs would have much trouble with it. Or that his height would require him to climb to begin with.

Heartman’s Lab was proving him terribly wrong though.

He’d watched Higgs climb ever chair, couch, table and furniture piece that allowed him to get to the top shelves of the lab; he’d climbed even the shelves themselves.

That he climbed, Sam decided, wasn’t really the issue, better Higgs who couldn’t fall as far, than Lou clambering around the shelves. It was the way that he handled the larger items that required more than one hand when he wanted to get them from the top shelves. Which he somehow managed to make look dangerous enough for concern for little apparent reason. Especially when he thought he didn't need to climb.

He started by pulling the item of interest – in this case a cardboard box of unknown content – as far over the edge as he could without tipping it over. Then while Sam watched in mild horror Higgs reached up his left arm until it stood off in a more or less straight line from his shoulder and angled it as best as he could as he balanced it slowly over the edge until he could balance it on his right hand and lower it down till it reached his left. With lighter items Sam had seen him simply push them off the shelf so he could catch them with his left before he had to quickly balance them with his right. – If anyone would have asked Sam: It was a disaster.

“You need a hand?”

“I’m fine,” Higgs huffed, only briefly glancing at Sam before he made his way down the table and started sifting through the box which contained various films and books.

“One day something’s gonna fall on your head,” Sam observed with folded arms. Quietly he thanked the stars for his own shelter not having shelves that high. “Use a ladder at least, you may have a short way down but Lou hasn’t.” And Sam didn't want her to get any ideas about copying Higgs.

With a heavy sigh Higgs paused for a moment, long enough for him to look at Sam and insist, “I’m fine,” and then adding, “but okay I won’t let her climb shelves.” And when Sam kept staring he continued, “are you done yet?”

“What’s with your arm?” Sam asked, his eyes fixed on Higgs’ shoulder. He’d noticed it in passing, but having to watch him climb around Heartman's lab and before his little shuffle-drop when he wanted something that was out of reach had solidified the question over time.

It seemed to take a moment before the words took root in Higgs’ mind and made sense the way Sam wanted them to, or perhaps he simply contemplated whether he wanted to answer in the first place. “Oh, _that_ ,” was all Higgs said when he answered.

“That.” Sam decided to confirm, because it appeared they were, after all, talking about the same thing.

“It’s fine,” Higgs replied nonchalantly with a shrug. And to showcase that it was indeed fine he raised his left arm to about shoulder height. “Doesn’t hurt and doesn’t really bother me,” he added and waved his arm a little before he let it sink again. “I broke my collarbone when I was a kid so it doesn’t go any higher,” he explained and pulled his shirt out of the way to point out the mistreated body part.

It took Sam a rather long moment to realise that Higgs offered for him to touch the healed bone with this. “Nah, I’m good,” Sam decided and folded his arms with his hands tucked between them and his sides.

Higgs only shrugged and went back to the contents of the box he was occupying himself with. Seemingly absent-mindedly he studied one of the books before putting it back and blindly picking a film. “I was four… maybe six…” He muttered and frowned as if trying to place a memory he couldn’t quite recall in the first place. “Time was fuzzy back then…” he added with a sigh.

Sam made an agreeing sound. He couldn’t imagine that much beyond night and day had existed within Higgs’ scope of time in his early years. “You don’t have to…”

“It’s okay,” Higgs repeated with another shrug in tow. “I haven’t really thought about it in a long while, and I don’t really remember a lot about it anyway,” Higgs made a thoughtful face, “it hurt a lot, that’s really all I remember.”

Although Sam could tell from his expression that there was more, even if it were only little pieces. Whatever it was, it felt wrong to press the matter. “Doesn’t hurt?” Sam inquired one last time, just to make sure.

Higgs snorted. “Affirmative,” he said. “So quit being a worrywart and help me pick something to watch,” he added when Sam had been unable to keep the concern off his face.

But it wasn’t that he didn’t believe him, in fact Sam was certain that Higgs’ climbing tours only proved that he was speaking the truth. It was that for once Sam had a hard time getting the image of Higgs as a child out of his head. Perhaps it was because he’d been about as old as Lou now, or simply because Sam found that he wasn’t as disattached as previously. And he would have pinned the blame on Lou for that one, but he knew that it wasn’t as simple. Higgs had grown on him whether he liked it or not and whether Higgs was even aware of it or not.

Which meant that he had to take Higgs back home, which wasn’t a new thought but one that still hadn’t properly taken root in Sam and it probably wouldn’t until he was back at his shelter with Higgs. And even then, Sam knew it might take a while because he just wasn’t very quick on the uptake with these things. However, Sam had to say that he didn’t mind. And that maybe a part of him was looking forward to it. There was no need to leave Heartman in a hurry, even without the snow Sam knew that Higgs wouldn't just disappear. He had a place to stay and that seemed to be all he really wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys. guys, you have no idea how much i appreciate all your love for this story. i adore how much joy this idea brought to you all. i wasn't sure how this would be received when i started writing it, so i am incredibly glad it turned out this way.  
> and now i also have to say the following: this was supposed to be a oneshot. this technically _is _still a oneshot that i've been serving you in chapters bc the document is 91 pages by now and i wanted to be nice to you. at some point i would very much love to write an actual multichapter fic for this fandom but right now is not the time, I'm outta juice so if you want to hear any remaining thoughts on this story and the fandom you can direct your questions to my writing blog. I'll be more than happy to answer everything you wanna know._  
> [dagran writes](https://dagranwrites.tumblr.com/)_
> 
> this is the formal end of this fic. it's been great fun with you all <3


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